Mom moves in with us for the first time! God help us!

Started by

I'm so thankful for to find this site so I can get out all of my anger and sadness in having my mother move in with us. Since she has moved in she has become grumpier, meaner, sarcastic, very sarcastic, unhappy, ungrateful, spiteful, rude, and manipulative. I suppose there just aren't enough adjectives to project how I am feeling. She reiterated that I have no talents, am selfish, and tend to be a loner. I told her that should she move in, I do enjoy time to myself and would not always be willing to just sit down in the backyard and chat about nothing while she smokes away. (I'm not a smoker and understand this addiction, but I don't have to be around it either). The more time I spend with her, for this moment, the worse I feel. I cringe when she walks out of her bedroom door. She has chronic CHF so I hear her cough constantly, yet she smokes like a chimney. She does not like anything about our house, yet knew our house way before she moved in and I kept asking her if she was certain about moving in and she said she was, and could not wait for that day, and now she appears to be mostly ungrateful and states, "I wish God would just get this over with". I pull my hair out daily, relatively speaking, and wish that she would move in with her brother and leave us in peace. Gosh, that sounds pretty upset huh? Urgh, well I am!!!!


frustrated - I'm sorry you're going through this. Caring for an elderly parent can be stressful enough on a "normal" level....add things like ungrateful, spiteful, and manipulative into the mix and it can become unbearable. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone, and at the very least you've found a great place to vent - so vent away! Also there's a thread on here titled "A caregiver's guide to caring for a narcissist" that you might find helpful. You're facing a hard road - be sure to take care of yourself!!
Thanks Yaya51. I'm beyond the moon with deep frustration and as a result am clearly not taking care of myself, my wants, my anything. I hope I can be of help to my Mom but she is now trying to tell us what to do with our lives, including demanding we do certain things, like she did when I was little. She has forgotten her role as a mother with orders has since been long gone.
I believe you that she has forgotten her role as a mother with orders has since been long gone. Don't you forget it! Set boundaries and stick to them. And don't let her blackmail you with that "I wish god would just get this over with" crap. "Well Mom, you and I have no control over God's plans. Let's try to make the best of whatever time we have."

What are your mom's impairments that prevent her from living on her own? Why does she need to live with you?
It is the hardest when someone first moves in. Everyone is going through adjustment. Feeling anger, irritation, and resentment is very common. If you want to continue to live together, it may get smoother in the future after everyone gets used to the new status quo. I don't know if her grumpiness will go away. A lot of older people become chronically grumpy and complain the day away.

I wonder if your mother might enjoy going to a senior center during the day. Sometimes it is hard to get serious smokers to engage in activities, but it would be great if she did. It would lighten her mood and keep her from smoking as much. The CHF and cigarettes are a real bad combination. The nicotine lozenges are often pretty effective for people who smoke. Nicotine in any form isn't very good for the vascular system, but the lozenges would be better than the cigarettes. She wouldn't cough as much. See if you can get her to try the lozenges. If she doesn't want to quit, maybe she could use them for a part of the day, instead of smoking. And maybe she can get out during that part of the day.

Much of her grumpiness is just her own discontent with the changes in her life. Try not to take it personally unless it is directed at you. Then put your foot down. If you're a loner, just say yep, that's the way I am. I can tell you're not selfish, though. You wouldn't have your mother there is you were. I have a feeling that she is just seeing your setting up boundaries as selfishness, i.e., she isn't getting her way.

I hope all of this passes soon and you can go back to being mother-daughter, instead of going through daily battles.
Your Mother's attitude is not unusual at all. You would think that a parent would be happy that you are trying to help.

I am one of those adult children that couldn't do it. Mother is much better off in assisted living. She doesn't gripe at those people (as much.)

If it isn't working for you, it isn't working. You tried. Having hate in your household every single minute, will effect your own health. I have watched it first hand.
My Mom moved in 5 months ago. The first 3-4 months were miserable. Still not a picnic, but much better. Partly because we stopped rewarding and catering to her paranoia, know it all, manipulative, controlling behavior and partly because her Geriatric/Primary Care Dr. was finally able to convince her to go on a mild antidepressant.

There is no doubt a degree of dementia there but she still has the capacity to remember most of the time when we firmly and politely tell her we are not going to do it that way here.

Don't want to give false hope,I know what works for one does not work for all, but for now it is tolerable, occasionally even pleasant here.

Draw boundaries. I had to learn to do this with my mom. Tell her when she is being rude. Stop buying her cigarettes. Tell her NO smoking in the house or around the perimeter of the house. It is just nasty.
I could not have lived with my Mother. You are to be commended for trying. Since I am 1500 miles from Mother, she went to the hospital and then, the local nursing facility. Last week, she was acting out (the reason I can't live with her.) She has bowel problems and expected the help at AL, to clean her up. She was close to getting moved to the NH, but started acting better, now. I think she is better off, where she is, than with an untrained family member. Have a nice memorial day.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support