This is just a mini-vent, because I needed to talk to someone. My mother is in mid-stage dementia. She has always been rather narcissistic -- a lot of take and a little give -- but she has descended to a point of complete narcissism. She is now mad at everyone because they don't pay enough attention to her. It is a irritating situation for me.
The past week has been the worst. My cousin lost his wife of 45 years unexpectedly. It was heartbreaking, because they were always together. I did the things I could do to let my cousin know how much I cared. My mother got mad at me because she and my father had been married for 64 years, so her grief was more important. I didn't realize there was such a thing as grief competition until this week.
For Thanksgiving, her grandchildren played with friends, instead of coming inside to be with her. I've been hearing about that one non-stop for 3 days. I told her it was normal for the kids to play, which just made her mad. I wondered if she thought they should all be gathered in a circle around her. I don't know what she expected of them.
Today I woke up sick, but I was going to still take her to church, wasn't I? No? Well, could I at least drive her there and pick her up? She kept on at me until I took her to church. I decided it was better than to listen to her narcissistic whining for days to come.
I realize that, in her dementia, she has lost all sense of other people. All of her vectors are pointing to herself. If family and friends are not serving her needs, then something is seriously wrong with them. Her grandkids are rude, her children are not doing right, her friends must be on vacation. Of course, I know her and know she hasn't given anything to anyone ever, so I try to let the words pass on by. Really, I am thinking that she reaped what she sowed, and she should be glad that she still has one person paying attention to her. Being that one person, however, is not easy. I have never dealt with pure narcissism. It is an ugly thing indeed.
My brothers lead their own lives with their families. That is okay with me. My mother is not to the point where she needs 24/7 care yet, so I can come and go as I want to during the day. When she gets to the point where she needs too much, I will look into a NH for her. We have three here that are social settings, instead of institutional. Two have memory units. I really hope she can stay home, but I know she is likely to end up in one of the two units. I don't depend on my brothers for assistance, because I know they don't have the time and inclination for more than short visits. They might surprise me, but I doubt it. It is okay. I've learned to just let people be who they are and not expect much.
But something you said really caught my attention, there: "I don't know what she expected of them." Well, no, exactly. The thing is, I doubt that these people know what they expect, either. What would be enough, in their wildest happy dreams? The answer is that nothing can ever be enough.
So if you can't win, why play? The hurt that caring caregivers like you, and everybody else afflicted with narcissistic dependents - they are bloody dependant, after all! How dare they risk being so bloody ungrateful? - seems to come from loving the person enough to want her to be happy, no matter how unattainable that might be. It's such a cruel trap.
I'd give anything to get my sister-in-law's leg out of it, but short of cutting it off… What, if anything, do your friends and family do that you really find helpful and supportive? I'd welcome the advice.
Angels19 at this point I have to accept everything my Mom does and says as the illness or I would be arguing all day! I keep reminding myself that she "isn't doing it on purpose"!
((HUGS))) to you.
My parents didn't do a perfect job, but boy, I never had to put up with what you do! My father could be difficult, during and after his drinking days, but he loved us and would come through when he had to.
How do you keep your sanity? People who train troops to resist brainwashing should take lessons from you.