Mom has lost the concept of others.

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This is just a mini-vent, because I needed to talk to someone. My mother is in mid-stage dementia. She has always been rather narcissistic -- a lot of take and a little give -- but she has descended to a point of complete narcissism. She is now mad at everyone because they don't pay enough attention to her. It is a irritating situation for me.

The past week has been the worst. My cousin lost his wife of 45 years unexpectedly. It was heartbreaking, because they were always together. I did the things I could do to let my cousin know how much I cared. My mother got mad at me because she and my father had been married for 64 years, so her grief was more important. I didn't realize there was such a thing as grief competition until this week.

For Thanksgiving, her grandchildren played with friends, instead of coming inside to be with her. I've been hearing about that one non-stop for 3 days. I told her it was normal for the kids to play, which just made her mad. I wondered if she thought they should all be gathered in a circle around her. I don't know what she expected of them.

Today I woke up sick, but I was going to still take her to church, wasn't I? No? Well, could I at least drive her there and pick her up? She kept on at me until I took her to church. I decided it was better than to listen to her narcissistic whining for days to come.

I realize that, in her dementia, she has lost all sense of other people. All of her vectors are pointing to herself. If family and friends are not serving her needs, then something is seriously wrong with them. Her grandkids are rude, her children are not doing right, her friends must be on vacation. Of course, I know her and know she hasn't given anything to anyone ever, so I try to let the words pass on by. Really, I am thinking that she reaped what she sowed, and she should be glad that she still has one person paying attention to her. Being that one person, however, is not easy. I have never dealt with pure narcissism. It is an ugly thing indeed.

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Awww - what's she got against the poor old possum? But as long as it works..!
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On a lighter side -- I've found something that works when it comes to food. My mother finds fault in many things I buy, especially the fruit. It isn't ever good enough for her to eat. I bought a bag of oranges a couple of weeks ago, but she said they were too dry and "not fit to eat." We have a possum that comes through the yard every night in its quest for food, so I started leaving an orange out for it every night. I told my mother the possum was really enjoying the oranges. Yummy nom nom. She told me that I was NOT to give her oranges to a possum. I reminded her she said they weren't fit to eat and got a, "I never said that!" She started eating the oranges again. (Of course, I'm still sneaking them to the possum, too, since the fruit is getting old now.)

So anytime she won't eat something now, I'll just say I'm going to give it to the possum.
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assandache, it is so discouraging when you give and give, and it still isn't enough.
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I had come here to this discussion today so I could reread my comment!!! I need to heed my own advice....

We've had a couple difficult mornings.. Mom has panic attacks occasionally and today I was told by her that I just walk away when she doesn't feel good!!! I told her what she needs to do when she feels this way. She doesn't like my solution to the attacks.. She wants me to call 911..I reminded her I awoke with her at 4am and settled her down then continued to sit with her for 4 hours. Sorry I had to get up to go to the bathroom!!!!
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(((((((((((SA))))))))) it hurts to have these things said about us. Mother maligns people all the time. I am one of her targets - so be it. It was harder when I was younger, but now I care less and less. They are the ramblings of a bitter woman who has chosen, and I do believe even with the BPD she has some choice, to take this path in her life. It says a lot more about her than it does about me. Same for you and your mum - what she said about you points much more to her than to you. But when we are young, we are more vulnerable and impressionable, and more easily hurt as we are still forming our self images. Believe me I know about being mortified But we can hold out heads high as we know the truth, You are awesome too!!!
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JB, you're describing my mom when you talk about how she says crap about 'taking you in when you had no place to go', blah, blah, blah... Only my mom told everyone and their brother that kind of shit after I moved in with her. Forget the fact that I had a nice place to live, paid my bills and actually had a life and was happy. Nope, according to what mom was telling everyone, I 'couldn't make it' and she had to 'support me'. She'd tell people this mess IN FRONT of me, like I wasn't even there. I wanted to crawl in a hole. Forget the fact that she hounded me to move in with her for over a year and I kept saying NO. Forget that we had an agreement that if I moved in I wouldn't have to pay expenses, which is why I agreed. Forget the fact that I was giving HER most of my paychecks and taxes every year.... Nope, she supported me because I was just a big, fat loser that couldn't do anything without her. **headdesk** Growing up, I was pretty much a recluse. I knew she told people all kinds of crazy stories about me, I'd overheard some of them, and was mortified. I kept to myself because God knows what people thought listening to her and she always had to have an audience. She loved playing the victim and telling anyone who would listen how lousy and rotten I was, how 'crazy' and unhelpful. Just...ugh. So glad those days are over. Central noble role indeed! All the time, JB, every time. You'd think my mom had a halo glowing over her head the way she talked, and I was the devil himself.
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((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Jessie. We do work out our histories, and hopefully learn from them and move on at least in some areas. I married the same mistake twice - unresolved family issues, Then took a 15 year break before I met Gary. He is totally different from my exes and my family. It is taking a while for that to sink in in some areas. I am totally different to his ex. We are forging a good relationship What a breath of fresh air!!! I can be the person I am and like with him, if you know what I mean. I hope with this man or another you can build your own life. Please don't leave it too late, and let a good opportunity pass you by. We don't know what the future holds.

I think we were awesome kids and are pretty awesome now.
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Ah! My new motto -- life starts new every day.
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emjo, in a way we are lucky that we get to revisit the things about our parents that had such an impact on our lives. My mother's ways are not new. They are just more exaggerated than they were when I was younger. Now I can feel sympathy with the kid I was and admire that kid for having enough self esteem left to get up and face the world each day. Looking back, I was pretty remarkable.

My mother is not the stereotype narcissist. She never cared much what she looked like or accomplished anything on her own. She isolated herself with my father, who didn't demand much of her. One would never think of her as a narcissist to look at her. She looks like a humble country woman of humble means.

I believe that I am lucky that I came home if only it gave me understanding of where things went wrong. I married a man that was like my mother. That was a real awakening for me. Today I went out to lunch and met a nice man who was friendly and caring and knew that that was the type of man that I needed if I were to ever be in the market again. Life starts new every day. :)
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Jessie -one of mother's themes has been she only did it to help me. Some of the things she did to help me I could not write here. Others have been very destructive in my life. But, she only did it to help me. The central noble role ah, yes, I am very familiar with that, Interesting that that is showing up now in your mother. Mine does not have dementia but it has always been part of her BPD and narcissism. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))). It's their mind's way of rationalizing things I guess, Over 10 years ago, mother gave me tickets to the symphony in her city, so I could drive her to performances (after a the 5 hr. drive it took me to get there). Needless to say, I did not take advantage of them and told her to give them to someone else,
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