My husband passed 3 years ago. Mom lived with us then. I have never been alone. She has always been a hermit type of person, but now does absolutely nothing. She is 92 and extremely physically fit. Goes for a 5 minute walk every day. But she doesn't socialize and doesn't talk unless she is answering a question. I stopped pushing going out a year ago. She has her own in-law suite in my home, which is a blessing as at least I have my own space separate from hers. I go from MA to MD once a month for a week to see my grandchildren. One son lives close by and checks on her. I leave her meals in the fridge and freezer. I have close neighbors who also check in. It is my only respite, as my only brother lives out of state and could care less. She tells my son when I'm gone those weeks, she is afraid i will die in a car accident and then who will take care of her. My reaction to all of this is anger, then daughter-guilt, then anger again. There are many times I wish I hadn't had her move in. I miss the days when I would visit, take her shopping, to lunch, sit and have a cup of tea...and then go home to my space. I am just feeling sorry for myself. I understand that this age means self-centered is part of their thoughts, just as it was as a small child. I already told my kids that 20 years from now I am selling the house and moving into asst care. I would never put them thru this. Now I have a love interest and feel so wonderful as I thought that part of my heart died with my husband. My mother's response "oh, that's nice." nothing else. Then she tells my son that she is afraid I will abandon her. Her Christmas card this year read "thank you for being here for me." Not "I love you and so happy that you are my daughter" as from all other years. There are times that I think dark thoughts of how different my world would be if she passed on. Then the daughter guilt sets in again and I feel like a bad person. Thanks for letting me vent.
The card indicates to me that she recognizes and appreciates you, even if it's not in your specific language. It's the thought that counts.
It's also perfectly understandable that b/c she's so reliant on you, she's anxious for her own security and safety if something were to happen to her. On that subject, what have you put in place to increase her perception of security? Does she have a life alert? List of speed dial numbers and contacts she could call in an emergency? Instructions for using speed dial, or alternately, just the list of names and numbers?
I would think of myself being in her situation, what could happen, and try to develop methods by which she could get help when you're away. Perhaps even an in-home surveillance system as well as a medical alert so that if she falls, she would be contacted and EMS could be sent.
I had to get away because I get too angry and resentful spending time with her. I live an hour away now and see her once or twice a week. I still get agitated but I have time to decompress and clear my head. Otherwise I'd be eaten up by anger and resentment, and the feeling of being trapped forever.
I wish I had some good advice for you. I hope your situation comes to an ending soon and it's an ending that works for you.