Mom just moved in and is driving us crazy.

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I feel like I shouldn't complain, some of you guys on here have it REALLY tough with mentally and/or physically ill parents. I am lucky, my 81 yo mom is healthy and active. That's part of the problem, really. My wife and I are very much loners, always have been. Our best 'date' night is steaks and a movie - at home - and we like it that way. That's why we get along so well, we are both introverted and extroverts make us a little crazy. I don't think we realized that Mom would talk, 24/7, about anything and everything that enters her mind. "Time to make some coffee now!"; "Guess I'm going to have a banana!"; "Going out to get the mail!"...that sort of thing. In addition to this, she's VERY passive aggressive. We are accustomed to saying what we think when we think it, asking for what we want when we want it, and are very unused to someone forever asking "Wouldn't you guys like it better if the coffee maker were over HERE?" "Wouldn't it help you if I would organize under your sink?". This is constant and we are about to go crazy. NO, we like the coffee maker where it is, thanks and NO we don't need our shelves 'organized', thanks. Our new constant phrase is "No mom, thanks, we don't need for that to be done". We have tried to make her feel useful by mentioning some things she CAN do to help, but that is usually met with resistance. She's also wanting us to go places and do things with her that we just have no interest in. She lived alone prior to this and went out on her own all the time to make friends and be social. Keep in mind that she is completely physically able to be out by herself, so that's not the issue...would be a different story if she weren't. Sorry for the rant but we could really use some advice from anyone who has experienced a similar problem. We HAVE tried to talk with her, nicely, about how we just really like to be left alone most of the time and she says that is a "cold" and "unnatural" way to live. Uuggghhh. Nooooo, not for us it isn't. No children living with us, I'm 46 and my wife is 60. She has grown kids living in another state, I do not have children so at least that's not an issue! Again. .sorry for the rant.

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I think assisted living place would be good idea.
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It's certainly reasonable to feel "nuts". Besides all the "momisms" to deal with, you're also adjusting to having a roommate! I sense that you are a caring person and I'm sure with time you'll find a system that works for your new threesome. Hang in there and take care.
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Thanks Bunnybill, I do really try to keep that mindset. (I'm her little girl, btw. Lol. But I do have a wife nonetheless. :-) ). My wife does remind me rather often that Mom is doing what she does out of love, but she drives her nuts too! I'll say again that just being able to complain about it without hearing silly things like "you'll miss it when she's gone" (well DUH, we ALL know that!!) has been such a help. Everyone has been so kind and helpful, we sure appreciate it!
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You're an independent adult capable of running your own life without Mom's constant suggestions and comments. She is a Mom, so to her no matter how old you are, you will always be her little boy. She will never stop wanting to connect with you, help you and wish for "what she thinks" is best for you. She loves you almost more than her heart can hold. As someone who is both a Mom and an adult child with a family living together with Dad I kind of see both sides. I've learned to try and remember that all of the constant questions and chatter are usually a misguided attempt to either help or connect with you. It's difficult I know, but we have found that short, calm reminder talks can help. Be careful not to accuse and remind her of what a competent son she's raised and that whatever her issue is you've got it handled. Also don't hesitate to ask for her opinion sometimes so she still feels important to you. This problem will never go away, maternal love runs deep, but it can become more manageable. I take a lot of deep breaths and remind myself "Dad loves me and he means well" this seems to help me from going completely insane sometimes and also venting with a trusted friend helps me to get the situation back into perspective again. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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You're an adult and have done perfectly fine for many years w/o Mom's constant questions and advice. She's a Mom so for her, no matter how old you get, you'll always be her little boy. She will never lose the desire to help you, connect with you or want "what she thinks" is best for you. She loves you almost more than her heart can hold. I know this because I'm a Mom too. Try to remember that she's not questioning your choices but it's her way of trying to help you as misguided as it is. My other suggestion would be short, calm conversations about how you appreciate her wanting to help, but she raised a smart man and you've got whatever it is handled. This will be a reacurring discussion, I also know this from being an adult with a family and living with my Dad who I love, but drives me crazy for the same reasons your Mom does you. It does get better, but it will never go away because of her maternal love for you. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that though she is a pain in the neck she truly means well and is coming from a place of love. I hope this helps a bit. Good luck.
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Thanks ramiler - I am betting you are right. I feel silly even complaining at all, but figured this was a safe forum to do so. "Getting it out" is half the battle. Thanks everyone for listening and commenting!
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My suggestion would be to hire a companion to show her around this new town and activities in which she might could be involved. A male companion would be great. 😀
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Just like newly weds at first feel clumsy around their new roomie, so too with bring someone new into your established home. I bet in time ( 3 months is not long) all of you will settle in just fine. It takes time to learn anothers buttons if you will and not continue to push them. You and your wife know the ropes but mom is still learning. Give her time. She will make new friends be out and about more and will come to find her place. Its tough mixing two adult households because once we are grown we are set in our ways. Keep in touch and like I said I bet in 6 months the house will be much more settled.
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Thanks GardenArtist, I will check that out! Also, susan54, you are correct!
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They all need a purpose to live. But when they move in with you they expect you to be the purpose. You are already being driven "crazy" and it only gets worse over time. If they are able, then when they have to do it for themselves, it really does help them the most. My mother quit doing anything for herself...
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