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My mother has always resented my "intrusion" into her life when I was born. I have a younger brother who she spoiled and who will do nothing for her. She has spent all her money and is in debt. She cannot afford to live in the home she is in (500.00 per month more than her income) and she is about to lose the duplex my brother found for her to buy which is now almost underwater.

The problem is, my brother has ditched her and moved to another state, now that her money is gone, and she is so verbally abusive to me that I have had to drop out of school in the past due to trying to care for her previously. I cannot even be around her. She always lobs serious insults and anger, as well as blames me for showing her my brother has taken her money.

I have called adult protective services in that state, and intend to just let things fall apart, but I feel horribly guilty for doing so.
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Just one more added (short) note: This is not something that's "all of a sudden" there. She was very critical all of the time before. Now it's just much worse ... and the OCD I see ... just another "worsening," not something that was not there before. She screamed when I first got back here {from a much nicer/warmer state!} anytime I did one thing ... couldn't do it right: dishes, floor-mopping, bathroom cleaning ... nothing! She finally yelled that she might as well do it all herself! Tell you what ... you get screamed at every time you try something [so many more instances, where she'd do something & accuse ME! who'd she accuse before I was here?] & someone suggests they may as well do it themselves ... well, you *LET* them do it, since it's something they can still do. However, then eventually that became, "You never DO anything around here!" [yeah, right] It becomes a lose-lose situation ... do it, it's not done right; don't do it, since trying to do it only gets screaming, then you're "lazy." Excuse me!?

Saw somewhere about someone suggesting they had become a "whipping post." Exactly! They want to lash out @ someone, so the most convenient person is the one most available ................. you! [heard AFTER getting back here that it had been the dog who got beat up before I got here ... poor dog, but had I known that, I'd have known I'd be the next VICTIM, and tho't twice about it ........]
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How can we edit these? I saw a typo in what was just written above. Also wanted to edit, adding that ~~ when contacting Disability Advocates ~~ they confirmed that HUD does indeed [they have other instances they know about] lose people! :(
That really does add to the hell ... a counselor said, "Your mother is killing you." But does HUD care? (especially after losing me the first time around, or I'd have had a place a couple years ago! widowed, myself) No.
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Oh, my word! Can totally identify with the "hell" mentioned above. Sad thing is, I can't "go home" to get away from it for awhile, as I'm right here ... on a danged waiting list from which I got lost once, so ~~ once the HUD #8 list reopened first time in many years ~~ I'm finally back on it, with YEARS added to my wait! :(

Sad when HUD denies losing people, tho' they definitely do! I talked to Disability Advocates about helping me get back ON the list from the first time several years earlier; all they said they could do was "help fill out another application." Uh ... not needed ... need "ADVOCACY" about being lost from the list! I'm capable of filling out my own application, thank you ~~ and then had to wait another few years after that for it to open so I could apply again! Seems, suggesting they could "help fill out an application," that Disability Advocates are more used to advocating for people with mental impairment than physical, since otherwise they'd realize that needing help with "filling it out" was not the problem. Seems to have a "standard" answer, suggesting help w/application.

Anyway, it's help living here ... not just bad attitude, but constant name-calling, screaming, tantrums ........................ kept track for over a year to be able to tell HUD how much I'm in need to get AWAY from it all. They ignore it, trying to tell me I'm living normal, "just like everyone else on the list." NO! I'm going absolutely crazy here in this hellish environment. That keeping track showed that these blow-ups happen no less than between 4-5 times each DAY! Some days it might be just 2-3, that's because on other days the "mad" episodes might be 7-8!

As for doctor ... seems the doctor, when I wrote to her, blew it off re demented behavior, things said, etc. She'd just ask questions like, "What day of the week is it?" "Who's the president," and tell her she's "fine." No! She'll even have a tantrum in public, saying things to people she doesn't know that ~~ had we dared say such things when kids ~~ would've made our heads "roll."

Sad, but true.
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I am going to add a little different perspective on this. One of the things I have noticed with the elderly is the pride of doing things themselves & taking care of business even if there are some lapses of memory. They highly resent being taken care of if there is a thread of sanity in them. They espeically hate to be taken advantage of or think they are being taken advantage of in a semivulnerable state. They also were great savers & believe that young people today are frivilous & wasteful. Remember they have been through some tough times and she has earned your respect. It sounds like you had built a trust that mom didn't want to to things without you. But then you say, you took matters into your own hands and that trust was broken & violated in her mind. She feels very angry, alone & vulnerable. Being a caregive is not easy. It is helping those we love make the transition into the next phase of their life. There are some bumps along the way & we can become too bossy, tired and impatient, not to mention scared. Your relationship is more important than this issue & I suggest you apologise whether she is feeble-minded or not. No one likes to have someone else push their will on them. That trust is an important issue to her right now & it is her security. Sounds like you are miserable too. This can be worked out with respect & honesty & maintaining proper boundaries. It is a gradual step moving from child to caregiver. My mom is a Navy vet and was diagnosed as bipolar after a breakdown in the military. However, she always managed her own affairs. My transition help to her was gradual & today at 89, she is more than happy to let me do it. I miss her discernment, wisdom and imput. But, I totally respect & honor the way she did business.
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I am an only child who is divorced and raising three children on my own. My eldest (aged 12) is disabled - legally-blind and autistic. My mom has no life outside her home other than attending mass once a week, going shopping and tending to her yard. We live in the same neighborhood, so I am able to help her with what she needs help with and she watches my children on Friday nights, so I get a night off since my children's dad wants less and less to do with them. I love my mother even though we have never been close, and lately, she has begun to make my life a living HELL. Last night, while I was attending an all high school reunion, she got her self completely drunk, insulted my neighbors, demanded that my children get in their own home and stay there while I was gone, and then verbally abused me when I spoke up and told her that I am the parent...not her. She constantly reminds me of anything I have done that hasn't met her expectations. We are struggling financially, because I am unemployed, but instead of offering help, she continues to fill her house with meaningless material "crap" just to have it...a big screen TV she never watches, a high-tech cell phone she never uses, tons of new clothing she doesn't need and an endless array of toys for my children that they lose interest in and eventually throw in the heap with the rest. Last Mother's day I went out of my way to find a special card, her favorite shampoo and other little things I know she likes, and when she realized I had done this she went out a bought me the cheapest box of chocolates she could find and gave them to me stating how she refused to buy the good ones because they were too expensive. My mom's family is all overseas (she came to America to marry my dad) and when he died suddenly, I did everything for her...took care of all of the financial things that need to be done and got her every single benefit that I could from his being deceased. When we were going over my dad's investments and making a plan on how they should be handled, she told her account advisor that she had no need for long-term care insurance since I was going to care for her in her old age. So here I am. I bought a house in the same neighborhood for my mom's sake and now that we're close to facing foreclosure, she acts as if it is no concern to her. She insists that I will not find the economic conditions any better than where we currently live, so there is no use in trying to sell my house, If I let it go back to the bank, that will just ruin my credit, blah, blah, blah. Every time I get a night out to have adult interaction, she finds some way to throw a wrench into my plans so I end up coming home to care for my children. She has stopped just short of accusing me of stealing from her bank accounts, and has complained that I have my name on it as the sole surviving family member. She says that it should be illegal for me to have access to finances and she doesn't understand why I have to have my name on her accounts. Honestly, I've had as much as I can take of this behavior and wish I lived on the opposite side of the country from my mom. I feel like a nobody with no emotional support, yet here is where I stay, feeling an obligation as an only child to take care of my surviving parent.
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I too have elderly parents, dad 91 mom 87, everything fine until this past summer. For years my husband & I & prior to my husband's retirement was just I did my parents mowing & weeding! We took them to doctors 60 miles away, as they live in rural small town area. My dad tested positive for Hep. C & when new tests were done, My husband & I went for results on June 2, 2010 to specialist, when specialist read results to a second doctor to type report said "hep. A positive, hep. B neg. hep. C positive. When we returned I made calls in few days to siblings, & this has now turned into awful mess. My mom & dad are claiming my dad doesn't have hep. A & that the doctor didn't say he did have it & they now took my brother whom I don't get along with because he is after the family farm, & their local doctor is claiming the results are that he does not have it! So now I have been vilafied as making this all up for some reason & my husband heard us talk about the results on the way home on Jun. 2nd. My mother now has chosen to write our daughter from my first marriage & make awful lies up about me. She has also called my sister & made other awful accusations about me, then she will write me & send me cards saying you are loved. I think she has developed some awful mental illness, I am the one out of 5 children who has done everything for my parents, now I feel like I have been kicked out of the family! My brother & 1 sister have been egging her on because they are after money, I have told them to sell the farm & spend it all on themselves! What do you do when your parent changes overnight like that & turns mean & hateful to you? My husband says to ignore her & she will quit writing others & I have not responded hateful to her I try to respond only positively to her but she is getting worse! What do we do? I feel for you as I know how you feel, it hurts! You feel like your hands are tied & in my case I have 2 brothers & 2 sisters to deal with & only 1 sister will agree that there is something wrong! It is just sad! I don't even know what is wrong with my mom & my dad can only remember things from a long time ago I think he has alzheimers but they don't want anything to do with me now, unless I will appologize & say I lied about my dad having hep. A, but I didn't & I can't even contact the doctor he saw as a specialist now because of the privacy laws! How do you find out what your mother has when you know something is wrong but can't do anything about it. We think mom doesn't want to admit dad has Hep. A because it would mean they would have to spend a lot of money on fixing up their water supply & septic system on the farm! I am from Illinois
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Hi Karenia,
The hardest thing for me has been accepting the fact that I MUST make some decisions for my mom. If your mother will not see a doctor then she is endangering herself and needs evaluation. Get the help and support that you need (like the oxygen on an airlplane - you first - then the dependent) and TALK TO HER DOCTOR NOW. It seems to me that you are expecting way too much from her - its your time to step up and start helping her..even if that means 'disobeying' her. You must let the role reversal happen - it is in her best interest. Ask her doctor if he/she knows of any eldercare support groups. Start with the doctor as a resource of information.

My mother has been my dependent for 3 years now and the learning curve has been huge. Just two nights ago she vented some anger on me - not like her- and its hard to take. I try to remember that she is frightened because she is losing control of her life. BUT it has taken 3 years for me to have a healthy perspective on our relationship - its not easy AT ALL. You are not alone. Seek support - there is plenty of it out there (Many of my friends are dealing with the same issues.)
Good luck and God Bless both of you! Leslee
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Karenia,
When I first moved my Mom here, I did everything for her...I finally figured out that this was not in either of our best interests.
Others above have given you great advice about your Mom and her current state of mind. So, I want to offer you some advice that helped save my sanity:

1) your Mom does not have the capacity now to think rationally, so do not let her hurt your feelings when you are in her presence. Think of her as a neighbor or stranger that you are helping and be firm, calm, and consistent.
2) always make decisions based on what is best for BOTH of you. You cannot put your marriage or your finances in jeopardy.
3) do not move your Mom again. Give her as much time alone as is safe. Hire caregivers who can come to her home and help with errands, housecleaning, and personal care. It will give her a chance to interact with another person and you a breather.
4) at some point, and especially if she becomes a threat to herself, you may have to consider another placement for her either in assisted living centers (many specialize in Alz. care) or nursing home.
5) and last but most importantly: you are an exceptionally devoted daughter who went well above and beyond the call of duty for both your parents. Say that to yourself everyday.
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Hi Karenia,
I hope I am not interfering in this discussion but there are a few legal steps you can and should take to keep your home. Contact an elderlaw attorney in your area to find out what can be done - most states have laws that will allow caretakers to retain possession of real estate in situations such as yours. It's probably too late to assume durable Power of Attorney for your mom, since she is apparently not well enough nor willing to assign that responsibility to you, but seeking guardianship may be an option, albeit expensive. You are correct to worry about having to give up your property in the event she needs nursing home care, so don't delay seeking legal advice. Once you apply for Medicaid, you no longer can take steps to protect your assets.
Now, I hope you don't mind if I comment on the emotional turmoil you must be going through. I went through exactly the same thing with my mother. She always had a few problems coping with her life, but nothing extreme, in my estimation, and she and I would always talk intimately about life. However, when she developed cancer (over 1 year ago) and needed full time care while undergoing chemotherapy, she came to live with me and within only a short time became very hateful and unreasonable to me, the only one of her 4 kids who bent over backwards to care for every single one of her extensive medical needs. She is now in an assisted living facility and it is apparent she is declining cognitively, and very rapidly, but I suspected her personality change a year and a half ago may have been due to very early Alzheimer's changes or another form of dementia. I still tend to all of her needs outside of direct care for her, but in spite of this, she has remained emotionally remote from me. There is little I can do to win her back - I've finally accepted this.
I have had no support from siblings at all, and let me tell you, this has been the most trying experience of my life. I am 55, and it is so easy yet to retreat into my role as "daughter" and fear Mom's disapproval, but in fact I need to assume the parental position now.
Your mom can't help the way she is behaving, nor is it your fault. Crowmagnum has given you some pretty sound suggestions when he said there may have been some long term issues that you did not create and cannot fix - these are the very "issues" that become magnified when a loved one begins a cognitive decline. The texts don't tell you this, perhaps because subtle personality change is a difficult thing to measure, but I have heard many family members of Alzheimer's patients report this as an early symptom.
At any rate, the mixed bag of feelings can be better sorted out by realizing that it is illness which is causing your mom to behave this way toward you, and even to fear intervention by her brother. Unfortunately her immediate needs must be dealt with before you can take the time to even grieve, and that is what is so hard. I hope I've helped you somewhat. Reading your story here has certainly put my own situation in perspective, so please accept my thanks. I does help to know when we have company.
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You are an adult, not her little girl anymore. Do, what you as an adult thinks is best for you and her. If at any time, you think that she is a threat to herself or someone else, like yourself, you must get her involuntarily committed to a hospital for a full psychological evaluation.

Your mother sounds like she's totally out of control. If I were you, I would call her brother, but not tell her you did. I wonder what makes calling him so fearful? Make the call to your uncle and to your mother's doctor from your own house, not hers. You are right to get her name off of your deed for it's your house. Is your name on her deed for the house that you got her?

Frankly, from the evidence you have shared your mother has some long term issues which you did not create; you cannot fix; and you cannot control. All you really can do is select a healthy path for yourself along with telling her what you are and are not wiling to do in order to help her, but that she's going to loose that if she breaks various boundaries which you are going to have to select, set, and have some consequences for. I feel very sorry for you and could only imagine what it must have been like growing up with her as a only child. Was your mother this controlling, fearful and dependent back then? Is your mother's brother older or younger than her.
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Thank you all for the support. I just was at Moms house and she is cold as ever. She said again she is afraid of me now. Tears again for me. She refuses to go to the doctor- she is due for her yearly next month- but has refused to go. I have tried in past as now suggesting a visit for some anxiety meds but she absolutely will not. As for her brother I asked her yet again this morning to call and talk with him( he is in ok health and i think sound mind) she venomously refused and "forbade" me to call him. I amso afraid to contact him or her doctor for she will go completely ballistic. I do have an appt w/ an attorney soon I am going alone to talk openly with him and then after perhaps she will go. I hope to at least get some good solid information to share with her re: the properties- she does not realize that hername on the deed will make my house an asset of hers that should she need nursing home care or whatnot could be lost. I know i need helpbut I do not know where to turn
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Has your mom been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and/or dementia? She sounds like medication could be in order. Her thinking is out of whack, and she is just reacting, not really understanding what has taken place with your property situation. Keep trying to assist her, try not to take her cold responses to heart. I know that this is easier said than done. She does not even seem to realize that without your assistance, she basically has no one else who would care for her. That to me makes it sound like she has some deficits associated with dementia. Will she agree to go to the doctor? Is she due for a visit? I actually wrote a four page letter that I gave to my mother's doctor right before her latest appointment. I told him all about the incidents of her confusion, loss of memory, paranoia...he had the "head's up" before seeing her, and it helped a lot. It is difficult to deal with a parent's anger - but chances are she can't help it. She just doesn't get it. I think once you accept that she is going to be unpleasant and cold, you will be able to deal with her a little better. I also agree that you could benefit from seeing your own therapist. Don't let the turmoil destroy your psyche. Best of luck - and hugs to you, too.
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Karenia,

Don't wait for your mother to go see a therapist, you go see one for yourself because you are the one at a crisis point and need a lot of support.

IMHO your mother having always been fearful of everything and doing basically everything as you described above does sound like she's had problems for years that he sought to compensate for. Now it sounds like you are trying to compensate for those issues and it's about to kill you (excuse my bluntness) as it killed him. Her fearfulness ate him up and it is obviously destroying you.

Have you talked with her brother about this. Is he like her or is he healthier? Asking for his input and help does not have to mean moving her.

All in all, please go find a counselor to get some support and a neutral third party to equip you to help yourself and your mother.
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