My Mom is 87 and a trouble maker.

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There is a long long line of trouble she has stirred up. The latest one is she told my sister that I suggested my son take over the managing of their bank accounts. I never said any such thing!! I am so angry.


My Mom (86) is living with me as of last Sept. I had 12 hrs' notice b/c she had been kicked out of the last 2 places she's lived (w/relatives!). A great (free) resource I rec'd from the local Alzheimer's Society--"The 36-Hour Day"--has been so helpful in learning how/when/not to respond at all. Found out that my Mom fits the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) diagnosis (WITH Dementia) to a "T". It all makes so much sense now, but it doesn't ALWAYS help. Instead of losing my temper w/her, I turn it inward (depression). I was being treated for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, depression, anxiety and (what's the word for sleep deprivation? I'm so tired, I can't remember)--all BEFORE she moved in w/me. For various reasons, my 3 siblings are unwilling to help. We don't speak. They don't call her. Long, ugly, highly dysfunctional history w/both parents. SO, you are NOT alone and I highly recommend this site. DOES ANYONE ELSE GET TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING YOU TO GO TO SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS? The last time I tried, Mom's dr's office called & said they had a cancellation for the same day/time as the monthly meeting I was planning to attend; needless to say, I was desperate for the dr appt b/c I still don't have an official diagnosis. I've prepared the POA but am waiting to hear from a local atty to review it so I can discuss Mom's diagnosis with the neurologist. I'm sick of going to her appts w/her so the docs can try to explain to a DEMENTIA PATIENT that she has DEMENTIA. It's insanity on steroids. This is my 1st post. It's very helpful. Thx to whoever created it and God bless those of you in the same boat. Take care of yourselves...
KayBee, you're a breath of fresh air, i hope to see you again here, often. i could have written your post, i'm going thru the same things with my mother. i just got home from my daily visit with her at the mental hospital she checked herself into one week ago today. first thing she does is show me a list of support group meetings they recommend she attends when she gets sprung...HELLOOO, like i haven't been telling her this for four years since my father died. not that they'll do any good, i agree, but the fact that she's paying these people $1000 to basically regurgitate everything i've been telling her for years? it's so far beyond insane, i'm actually getting bored with this. her big thing is money, and manipulating everyone around her to get what she wants. turns out she went on her latest hunger strike/suicide mission because she wants her house sold in Florida, which of course blows up my entire life, after it took me 12 years to finally get all my stuff out of NY......i walked out of the nut farm after 15 minutes, i just can't take it any more. she's in there basically running a political campaign with the doctors and nurses, to line up her ducks for a frontal assault on me when she gets sprung. i.e., she gets what she wants, i end up living behind the dumpster at 7-11. been there done that, not gonna enable it again. sorry i'm in such a bad mood tonight. i think it's time to pull the plug on the daily visits to the mental hospital. until i get someone to say in writing what's wrong with this woman, did i mention 12 years without a diagnosis for anyone in my family, all of them alcoholics and crazier than me, i'm not lifting another pinky finger.
brenglee, my mother can invent new realities. In her mind they become true after she says them. She invents conversations that never took place and events that never happened. She is also 87. My mother has moderate dementia. Her confabulations are getting fewer with time, so it may have just been a phase she was going through. It is crazy making, since we know these things never occurred. It's impossible to convince them that they didn't... or at least they won't own up to it.
Must be something about 87. My MIL moved to ALF March 1st. She has already switched her dinner seat three times due to conflicts with other people at the table. Today she chewed out the kitchen manager, insisted she wanted something that wasn't on the menu but she was sure they had it. They didn't give in so tonight she called to tell me how stupid they are. Her behaviors are escalating rapidly despite being on Ativan twice a day and Zoloft at bedtime. She has vascular dementia, CHF,
Gosh, my mom is a peach and relatively healthy at almost 93, compared to other stories. My heart goes out to all of you.
Mom started getting anxiety attacks and checking into the ER at 89.
I think lately she is grappling with acceptance of end of life. As I see her struggle I find I respect her inner strength and spirit of trying to understand things, even as off the wall as she is at times. Does this make sense?
My mother will not go to the doctor . we need a geriatric assessment for her inevitable nursing home care package which is coming down the line rapidly and she will not go to the doctor. The doctor thinks she is afraid he will find something wrong with her (eh,,,hellllooooo!! ) At this point , I think she needs to go to a psychiatric unit. I cannot see her co operating with nursing home care. Doctor says we cannot force her. People think shes relatively normal and fairly nice ,till they get to know her, then most run a mile in the opposite direction. She not only refuses to go to the doctor but also hair appointments.
JessieBelle: Love your word "confabulations"... I'm going to have to steal/borrow it! Brenglee, thank you for your kind comments. You have no idea how much I needed a compliment that day (or anyday, for that matter...). The closest thing I ever get to a compliment in this family is actually from my Mom when she tells everyone that I am her "rock," which translates: "I am unable to do anything for myself and, since my daughter is SO much stronger than me, she has to do everything for me." However, when she gets her SS check on the 3rd of every month, it is usually spent by the 5th, which is why my oldest sister kicked her out after about 3 yrs. (before we actually knew that dementia was setting in). I'm scared to death of her driving b/c she came home a few weeks ago and asked if I had any DUCT TAPE! OMG! I was so scared to ask why. She said she needed to TAPE her headlight back onto the front of her car because someone ELSE must have run into her in the parking lot when she was at the groc store. I'm sure that's how all the other dents, scrapes and PUNCTURES occurred, too! Anyhow, she sure manages to get dressed, go to the bank, withdraw all of her SS $$ and head to the poker/slot machines, or whatever you call them. The transformation is amazing on the 3rd of each month! Also, Brenglee, I guess it's all about perspective, b/c if my Mom checked herself into a mental hosp, I'd be ecstatic, and I'm not joking. She has the opposite problem (i.e., she doesn't want to believe that she has ANY problems, even at age 84. BTW, I think I said she was 87 in my 1st post, but you all know what "caregiver brain" is--sort of like menopause brain). I was SO excited this morning b/c my Mom's youngest brother (in his 70's) was coming to pick her up at noon and take her to an outing sponsored by the local Council on Aging. I was expecting an afternoon to myself--not for lounging, but to finish my taxes! I was also happy for her that she was doing something social for a change: there was going to be a band, fried seafood, etc.--all outdoors on the river--everything she loves. She was home at 1:30. I actually thought someone was breaking into my house thru the back door when I heard her come in. I thought "NO, not yet!" But, alas, there she was. I shouldn't complain; at least he's offering to help. But I think that she was just as disappointed. After all, I'm no PICNIC to live with these days. Although, the last couple of days I've been better since I got out of the house all day Tuesday. I'd hoped to get a free legal consult but found out that the attorney I was going to use charges $250 just to look at you, even though I've already prepared the Power of Attorney & just wanted someone to review it. So, back to more paperwork to see if she qualifies for Legal Aid or the local Bar Assn Pro Bono Program... more waiting lists. O Joy!
Also, Brenglee, my Mom didn't want to go to the dr either, but I didn't really give her a choice. That's why I've made all the appts and go with her to each one. I was presently surprised, though (and you may be too), when she read the Rx instructions last week when they put her on Zoloft. I usually screen her mail but this 1 slipped by me. It was from the pharmacy and I was so afraid that it would say something about "used as an anti-psychotic" b/c that's what the dr told me in confidence. Instead, it mentioned that it is used to help with stress, depression, sleep and--the one that she "liked"--was that it helps to control obsessive thoughts. She said, "That just hit the nail on the head." I was shocked, b/c she has ALWAYS thought that my sister and I were on "too many medications." I always tell people that the reason that neither she (nor my Dad) are on any meds is b/c they are "carriers" of the disease (depression, anxiety, mood swings, etc). I thought I'd have to crush the pills & put them in her coffee or something. So that just goes to show you that sometimes these changes brought on my dementia can be positive, I guess. Who knew?
Finally, Brenglee, and everyone else: be kind to yourselves, choose your battles wisely and try to have a Happy Mother's Day! Blessings!
Sorry for the prior rambling, y'all! One last thing to Brenglee: we had 2 appts with a Geriatric dr that were a waste of time, b/c Mom can be very convincing when she's carrying on a "normal" conversation with a stranger. It's only until--as 1 of you said earlier--you get to know her and realize that she's living in her OWN reality that the TRUTH comes out. I don't know if this is what your Mom needs, but my Mom's neuropsychiatrist who ordered a brain scan (which showed a stroke from 3 yrs ago!) and cognitive functioning tests is going to carry much more weight when having her placed in a long-term facility, according to the local Alzheimer's Assn... just a thought.
kay , i read a lot about depressive illnesses years ago during my divorce. as an example tha publications i read referred to a depressed woman and her errant hubby visiting a marriage counselor. the wife might spout off a stream of believable accusations about her husband but only a good therapist could read between the lines and find her accusations chock full of distortions and exxagerations. the mentally ill can have you hung out to dry in front of an overreactive judge. they appear as lucid as swamp mud.. streaming delusional in reality..
At 87 I would hope you and the entire family are on to her antics and that they would be ineffective

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