Mom with dementia illegally had my husband revoked as DPOA.

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The whole story would take a book but basically - mom illegally had my husband revoked as a dpoa as the attny she took him to did not perform a compentcy exam and his diagnosis was senile dementia......he would have signed the dec of independance........created huge mess.....Dad wwii vet, should at very least be on the nursing home list for now the dpoa.........Dad is on HOney thickened has huge paper taped to the wall saying insert joes hearing aides and dentures evry morning.......dentures I have no clue.......all the pureed food just collects on his teeth through out the day......Dad has poor vision since stroke but only has reading glasses........the va had given him hearing aides but the nurses station claims Mom took them for repair........I do not think it takes 7 weeks to repair.....what I do have is a signed release from Dad before he had his stroke allowing third party medical info from Va........can I get new hearing aides for him - and I get some sort of eye dr in there to give him an eye test or does Mom have sole control over this.......he lies awake looking at the ceiling or at the blank wall because all he can see is the outline of the tv and dim movement and he cannot hear it all......he hears us when we talk to him up close so I am sure he would be able to hear footbal games with hearingaides in.........I just don't know who to go to for help.......also he is on honey thickened liquids........his water is drinkable, his juice is drinkable but his "milk" looks and smells like vanilla pudding - you can flip the glass and nothing will come out.........I purchased thickening agent at drug store and made him honey thickened milk which he drank tonight..........aide did not like the fact that I made a comment on his food sheet that he received NO MILK when it was listed , that he hated honey ice tea (his food paper claimed he should hve had cranberry juice) and she took to head nurse who told us not to bring him anything to drink............unless they have a search your tote bag policy, I am not going to allow Dad to waste away without bringing him some whole milk or vanilla ensure but at the same time do not want to get kicked out of the place........should I contact the owner of this nursing home LaVie (they own over 500 nursing homes across the US and when Mom tried to have me banned using her dpoa, I had to contact them and cite the 1987 OBRA legislation and the fact that they accepted medicare/medicaid they were not private and therefore could not ban my visitation.........treading on thin water but to put it mildly Dad's quality of life sucks and you can tell he wants to this point, I know how to puree foods just as well as the nursing home and thicken liquids to honey consistency - two nurses on my husbands side........I feel that they cannot possibley have a "you can't bring anything Policy" or they would make you leave your large purse outside of the room........should I try calling Va.......any ideas would be appreciated..........


I've never heard of such a thing as a nursing home stopping a person from bringing in food or whatever to one of their residents. Start with your dad's doctor and talk to them. What is your mother's problem acting this way towards your dad? Is she finally getting even with him when he's down and out now? Seems like he needs an advocate, because she's sure not acting in his best interests. Have you checked into 'adult foster care' instead of a nursing home?
I can see where a NH would want to try to control what is brought to their special diet residents. They wouldn't want a coffee cake brought to someone on a gluten-free diet, or a 6-pack of beer to someone on thickened liquids. So being concerned about food brought sort of makes sense to me. Could you work with them on this? Ask for a copy of his diet guidelines and offer to show them what you bring each time, so they can see it fits in? Having the NH staff on your side would be good for your father, I think. Also politely but firmly get his meal corrected to match the order, each time you notice something wrong. Return the iced tea to the desk and ask for the thickened cranberry juice. Getting the NH to provide appropriate food is probably a better solution in the long run than bringing in your own.

Are you totally estranged from Mother? What does she say about the hearing aids? If you know where she would have sent them for repair, contact them. Otherwise contact the VA regarding hearing aids and glasses.

For listening to tv, a wireless headset may be very useful. He can have the volume as loud as he needs it, right in his ears.

Without POA you may run into some barriers. Do the best you can. Your dad sure needs an advocate!

By the way, does Mother have some cognitive issues? Might she be at the beginning of dementia herself? Is this abusive behavior typical of her?
Moms been abusive since the day I can recall.........I remember when I was accepted in to acting school in Ny, she refused to assist me financially as she had my sister because I was not going to Univierstiy of NH or a school in Ma where it would be close to her....mine was in NY - I deferred a year to work to help earn money and during that time she calmed down do you obtain an advocate?? He is a veteran and yes, he did get his hearing aides from the VA and it would not surprise me in the least if she was trying to get "back" at him because of his alcholism during the earliler and latter part of their shoddy marriage (in NH, they would still be legally seperated).......We were told that Dad had no restrictions in his diet and we used to bring him food and thickened ensure in the previous nursing home all the time.........I think a big issue here is what she told these people about us prior to our visit.......she did the same at the previous nursing home but they very quickly came to realize that what she said was not true and one aide referred to her as a "mean, spiteful woman whose time would come"........I would be more worried about checking my sisters purse when she visited since she is alcholic too and the one time she came with me to va by the time we got there, they did not even know who was the patient.........she had sat in the back seat and had been drinking vodka mixed with fruit juice during the whole two hour trip and was almost into her second pint..........does anyone know where I would get an advocate to help get someone in with his eyes.......and hearing aides?? I had thought of a headset but the nurses would not check on him and since they ceased therapy on his right side, has developed atrophy so he cannot even press the call button........that is another bone of contention.......he was able to feed himself until they stopped with the therapy and I have read that unless you push it, they will stop it on an 86 yr old stroke is visiting out of guilt, not love and yes, she definitely has some brain issues or has just gone batty...........what kind of mother sends her daughter back her wedding photo with a note, "i paid for the frame so I kept it" plus 16 yrs worth of gifts, from my husbands kids kids (her grandchildren and great grandchildren) including cards???? I am clueless where to turn..........
I'm confused about the call button.....can't it be put on his "good" side and there are soft press call buttons that are much easier for people to use. My concern about a head set is that it might sprout legs as, sadly, so many personal items do in facilities! Good luck with situation and please keep us posted!
apparently due to them stopping his physical therapy on his right side (which of course includes the hand) atrophy has developed so he can't even feel where he would have to push and the touch would be so light, it would not even work.
Why can't the call button be put on his left side? They have a cord that is long enough to reach both sides of the patient.....
I give you credit after all these years of her abuse for even giving her the time of day. There are not too many people out there like you.
try visiting with the social worker or omnebudsman which can be by phone

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