Well, Mom hates me.

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Friday before last, I called the ambulance and said "take her away". Actually, I said "my mother need to go to the hospital because something is not right". But Mom heard "Take her away" in her dementia addled mind. In the ER, I asked her if she knew why she was there, she angrily spat out "Because YOU put me here."


So, now she has progressed to a rehab facility very near my house. My message the whole time has been "get better so you can come home.". I have been trying. I really have. I bring her things to make her comfortable. I have kept her caregiver on payroll and have her sitting with Mom for four hours a day to keep her comfortable and run errands for her. I offer to bring her anything she wants, food, books, anything.


I am tired of being met with stony silence. I am tired of begging her to interact with me. I am tired of the angry glares when I ask her how therapy is going or if she has been eating. She doesn't eat, by the way, and I spend most of my visits trying to get her to eat and begging her to keep her strength up. You know what, though, it turns out I don't really care anymore. I had my moment this morning. I have decided, here or at rehab, I absolutely don't care anymore. I don't care if she eats. I am trying to decide whether or not I care if she takes her pills (a two hour ordeal twice a day).


I visit her daily but can't stay long with a woman who can't/won't carry on a conversation with me and so obviously hates me. Funny thing, everyone else says that she talks and miles and such so it is not that she is incapable.


She has mild to moderate dementia but she is not so far gone that she can't make decisions about whether or not to participate in therapy or eat her food. She is "with it" enough to manipulate me and everyone around her.


I told rehab that I don't want her back if she cannot walk or cannot toilet herself. I will cook for her, clean for her, help her in and out of bed when needed, I will be there when she falls, I will keep her comfortable.


But I will not cart her around my house in a wheelchair and transfer her to and from the commode. And I will not entertain her or try anymore ton carry on conversations and make her smile. I will turn on the "electronic babysitter" and let her sit in her chair and watch TV all evening.


Every evening, we call her to dinner and, even though we start an hour before the meal is served, she usually does not make it tot he table until the meal is almost finished. When she gets there, she just looks at her plate and when I bark at her to eat, she gets a startled look on her face as if she has forgotten that she was supposed to put food in her mouth. Then comes the ordeal of the evening pills.


If/when she comes home, I am strongly considering no longer having her at our family dinner table. I will probably bring a tray to her recliner and then take it away, uneaten, after a while.


I don't think that she has ever liked me but now I am convinced that she hates me. And here I have turned my life upside down for her and my husband and kids have sacrificed so much.

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ksordh,

Congrats sounds like such a weird thing to say but... congrats anyway. Yes, she will be madder than a wet hen but you will be in control of when you see her and how long you spend with her so if she is a miserable cuss, you can cut the visit short.

My mother has plateaued in her rehab, partially because she puts no effort into it. The other evening, I visited her and she was particularly out of it and would do nothing more than glare at me. I mentioned it to her attendant on my way out. He went down to check on her and she refused to go to bed (very out of character of her - she LOVES lying in bed). Then she started crying and saying how nobody likes her and I particular, how I hate her. It was bad enough that he called in the psychiatrist who spoke to her and adjusted her meds. The attendant also asked the doctor to order labs and...guess what... no, you will never guess... Yep, you got it. Another UTI.

Two days later and I see much improvement in mood and cognition. Still wacky and mean but not as wacky and mean.

She is coming home on Tuesday, BTW. Incredibly, the rehab center cured her on exactly the same day as her benefits ran out.
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mom2mom, My mother is moving out! She is going into a memory care unit in the AL in our town. At first I was upset but soon realized this was a positive thing. What perpetuated it was the uti during the first 2 weeks of January and the fact that she was out of it, kept in a dark room (her bedroom) and "they" were giving me sedatives/pushing pills on her. No matter if I explain it or give her the name of the antibiotic she was on, she cannot believe me. Oh, well! Because she is/has been a habitual exaggerator now confabulator I guess she just has trouble knowing truth even when it slaps her silly and straight into dementia delirium. Still it hurts my pride that she can't believe me. She will get much more than she bargained for as in a strict schedule which I tried very unsuccessfully to get her on. I'm guessing she will come March 3 or 4 be madder than a hornet with me but then I can't truly tell the future.
I hope you are well and your mom is rehabbing as well as can be expected.
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ksordh! My Sister from a different Mister! How are you?

I have long ago come to the conclusion that my mother will be miserable no matter what. I just try to lessen the degree of miserable.
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mom2mom, are you me? We are living the same life and are mirror images of one another. A few differences: your brothers (no adoptive siblings but biologicals I recently found) and a new home we "bought" together so mom could have her own space (BR/BA). My kids are grown and live out of state but sometimes descend with their families hence the home with space for all.

Our moms sound so much alike even at the point in their dementia. She is miserable and silently blames me for it. Chooses to believe am talking bad about her to people in my hometown but refusing to say what or whom I talked to (I usually don't talk to people from there and when I do it's not about her). Today she wanted to go look at nursing facilities but didn't give me a reason why other than she's in the way here. I asked her would she like to take up even more of my time at a facility where I would need to see if her needs were being met and not being neglected. Her issue is the same-she's miserable and nothing will change it. She's not appreciative of the things I do for her but makes herself say thank you because she knows she should. She recently tried to hit me during an anesthesia recovery and falling uti because I was helping her with a bm depends. She holds grudges, never forgives, talks bad about everyone including us. I know that eventually I will be deciding to move her.
I miss my dad, too! He was wonderful to me and mom was jealous and still is. A pitiful way to be.
We'll figure this out in due time. Thanks to all the encouragers out there!
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Mom2Mom, I think that you are doing your best, and trying to reconcile all the many ways in which you have tried so hard, to make a better life for your Mom, but have had many roadblocks put in front of you.

The past relationship between the two of you speaks volumes of your trying to improve her life, bringing her to live with you and your family, the remodeling of your home, all to make it nice, but she shows no outward appreciation to you. I get it, it's so hard! You may never get the love and appreciation you so desperately need from her, but in your heart, you know that you did your very best!

Only you will know when the time is right, that she needs to be moved to a facility, so in the meantime, you will need to put up those barriers, those boundaries, so that you can live your life, raising and loving your children, showing them the right way, to go about caring for another, who may not deserve all that you have done for her. It's a good life lesson for them, and one they will never forget.

Be sure to explain, all that has gone into you decisions to keep her with you, and the eventual move ahead, whenever that might be. Your kids are your first priority, and showing them how hard you have tried, how dificult it has been, will be the greatest gift you can give them. Life is so hard, when you are caring for such a dificult parent in your home.

My parents did this with my own Grandmother, bringing her here to live with us, when I was only about 10 or 11. It was Awful for my folks, but especially my Mom, as she had 6 kids, (5, still at home), but my Dad made it perfectly clear to his Mom, that his wife came first, his kids 2nd, and she was a distant 3rd, so she understood just where she ranked, in the scheme of things.

My Mom was a saint, putting up with a nasty MIL, living in her home. Unfortunately, Dementia soon came, and after about 9 years, my Nana had to be placed into a Nursing home. She was a very manipulative woman, and played up all sorts of ways, that made it very difficult to continue to live with them.

I hope you find the best way, to put an end to your indecision. I know how hard it is. We've had my FIL with us for 13 years, and finally, we are moving forward with plans to put him into Assisted living. It's h*ll, and the guilt is eating me up, but not so much that I will change my mind. It's time. In the 32 years my husband and I have been together, we have never been alone in our marriage, being that we both brought 2 kids each into our marriage, then when the last one left the nest, my FIL moved right in the very next week, after his wife passed away!
It's going to be really strange, to finally be alone together, I'm not sure how we will even know how to act? Lol!

I do know, it's time, time for us to get on with enjoying each other, our kids and Grandies, and our retirement! Finally, and vacation!

Of course we will still be there for the Old Man, just not in our home. In fact, we might just sell our home, and buy a little Condo, so that we can run amok, and start living again! Music is something that I'm really looking forward to! Ever since he moved in, we haven't been able to enjoy listening to loud music, in the way we did when our kids were young, that I truly miss! I don't know what the future holds, but it's time for us, for you too! You've sacrificed enough! You deserve to be appreciated, to be happy, and free to enjoy seeing your kids flourish into adulthood, and you know that she will never show that to you, at this point! You deserve better! We all do! 

This website is my saving grace too! It's so nice to be able to come here and gripe to your hearts content!  I know that I do! Lol!  That's what we are here for! You will come to a decision soon enough,  but in the meantime,  gripe away!  Hugs Love!
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Midkid, I am VERY close to my daughter (of course, she has not gone through puberty yet so time will tell) I am close to my son also but this is a tale of mothers and daughters, isn't it?. I basically am raising them by doing everything exactly opposite of how my mother raised us. I make sure to never have a favorite and I tell them at least once every day how much I love them. I tell them that they are beautiful in the inside and outside. We hug and laugh a lot. So, totally different from my childhood.

I often wonder if and how my mother processes this as she watches us interact.

Anyway, good for you for raising your daughters without all that drama and with lots of love. We change what has happened in the past but we can learn from it and do better for our futures.
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Oh, I didn't add that I was VERY close to my dad also. Mother still says "Oh you were his favorite". That isn't the point, and even if it were, she shouldn't keep saying it. I know how much that hurts my other sibs.

I wonder if we will ever figure out this dynamic of mother/daughter thing. I have 4 daughters, we have no drama. Maybe the outcome of such an emotionally tumultuous childhood somehow helped me. Try not to obsess over what may or may not happen. After all you've been through, you still obviously care about your mom (as I do mine). we just have to let a lot go (easier said, than done!)
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I don't usually dwell on things. I am a "close the door behind me and move on" sort of gal. But here I am up at 1:30AM thinking about how much I miss my dad. He died 16 years ago after battling years of poor health. His last two years he rotted between hospital stays, rehab and LTC. He was always in a facility about 30-45 minutes from my house and despite the drive and the fact that I was working full time and married, I went to visit him every single day. Yes, once in a while I had to make myself go but most of the time, it was a labor of love. I wanted to be with him and we would spend hours talking. Often Mom was there but just as often, it was just he and I.I was not in a rush to leave at the end of our visits.

Now, in stark contrast, visiting Mom takes effort and as soon as I get there I am planning my exit. My visits are usually 15-30 minutes and I try to take one of my kids with me to help keep the visit palatable.

The difference.... part of it is dementia and part of it is that my mother and I have never, even in her best days, been able to have long honest conversations like I did with Dad. Heck, we don't even have short superficial conversations.

Just thinking about how hard my visits are with Mom makes me miss Dad all that much more.

BTW, add that to the list of reasons Mom and I are not close. Jealousy has always been an prevalent emotion in her and I think she always vied me as "the other woman" in Dad's life. I think she hated how well we got along and how proud he always was of me.
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My mother also had so much and was so blessed and I have long felt sorry for her as well. It is of her own making so my feelings are more of pity than anything else.

I think that most of her feelings about me are resentment. Resentment that I don't need her. Maybe jealous of my successes and definitely jealous of how close I was to Dad.

Ye3s, right now, AI feel a lot of anger coming from her. I have said nothing to her or in front of her to justify the anger. She has just gotten it in her mind that I put her in the hospital and subsequently in rehab for no reason other that me being mean. And I know that there is nothing I can do about that. She will think what she chooses to think.

I can be "professional" and take care of her despite this. I can do this as long as I have a safe place to vent. And that is what this forum is to me. A place to express my anger, sadness and pity so that I don't bottle it up or take it out on her. I have my husband and some close friends who help me talk things through as well.

I am thinking that the least expensive option while still providing the best care will likely be to bring her home and bring in more help. How much I interact with her will depend on how I feel about her at any given time. I don have the luxury of having a door between her apartment and my house so I could essentially leave her over there with 24 hour care if things deteriorate.

The rehab facility that she is in right now is less than ten minutes from my house and is adequate for what she is there for now. But, the long term care wing leaves a lot to be desired. The food is horrible and I do not see much patient/staff interaction or anything to stimulate. It looks like a warehouse for the living dead. So, I would either have to leave her there or move her to a facility in the next closest town.
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I know this is no consolation--but my mom "hates" me too. No matter what I do, it's wrong. This is my whole life. On my 30th birthday she told me she wished she'd never had children (in fairness to her, she wasn't aware it was my birthday).

I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her. She had so much, been SO blessed, and she can't see it. I know she's mentally ill, and at 87, isn't going to get better.

Therapy is where I learned, and continue to learn why some people are "they way they are". Finally I am at a point where she can tell me to go to H$LL and I say "OK, but I am stopping by Dairy Queen on the way". She is learning that kind of talk just gets a couple weeks of silence from me. Not that she cares, but the rest of my sibs have written her off. She's a lonely, sad old lady hoarded into an apartment surrounded by garbage---of her own choice.
I'm sorry for you. Give it some time. She'll probably forget what you said. (My mother does, anyway)
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