Mom has terminal cancer and isn't sick yet, but I want her to pass before she is in pain. Does anyone else feel this way?

It's normal to wish someone would pass without all the pain, and of course, feel guilty after. I have been thinking about the finall days lately, and it seems almost cruel the way we have to deny them food and water and let them pass on "naturally". I hate to think of the suffering, even with the morphine. I hope I'm not offfending anyone when I say that it seems kinder to "put them to sleep' at that point, when there is no more hope of recovery. I watched a friend die of cancer at age 58. It was really hard!.But It's not our choice to make.

Jlynnfox,

I think the key to this is "What does your mother want?"

You say she is not sick yet and not in pain. Does she get any kind of gratification out of being alive?

If yes, then what is the rush?

Ok Guys and Gals...this string is so right on for me...I understand what you are feeling...totally...Every morning...I wonder..will it be today? Then I hear her walker coming..or if when I come home from work I can see that she has been out. I know dhe is in soooo much pain and that she wants at time to end it all...I have seen her notes...she has opted to have the surgery to replace her hip because she told the doc yesterday that she cannot go on this way any longer. She will have the surgery. I have no idea what the outcome will be..if it will help or take her down. St least this gives us a chance to get her things in order...something she has not done. My heart goes out to you all...this is so hard...I think for them too. They may wish that they did not wake up too. I hate feeling this...it was good to hear that I am not alone in my dakest thoughts....Stuck

I have to admit it might be a blessing to mom to go on before she becomes completely deaf-blind or, God forbid, unable to eat! My cousin's mom passed on suddenly in her home - it seemed awful at the time, but now I know it may have spared a lot of suffering for her and for my cousin. The main thing is to care and to cope as best you can, and realize that the timing is simply not for us to control - which hopefuly relieves the feelings of guilt for even thinking about it. Put as much life as you can into their days, and yours - though it may not be much at all...I'd say most of us are squeezing some pretty dry lemons to try to make lemonade. I'll miss the occasional sweet times and occasional thank yous and laughs, the visits with the grandkids, and I'll have the realization that we did the best we could for her...I won't miss the toxic criticism and grouchiness part so much though!

PS to jsomebody - You think we could get "MOT" widely recognized as an acromym for "miserable old trout"? I'd love to start using it personally!

I think all of us (seriously even the ones that 'bray' that they love it) probably all have felt this at one time or another when we are exhausted - depressed - overwhelmed at this situation of caregiving...it get's tougher as time goes by and the situation worsens. Many of these folks get very nasty, depressing and snarky or just incomprehensible as time goes on. This is very trying on everyday life, that they are not really a part of anymore. They don't understand anymore we have to try to care on a normal as possible a life plus take care of them. I think they get a fog that comes over them that they are the only ones that matter. A self preservation of the aging mind. It's really tough...I know on more than one occasion I have the same thoughts. Where's the education in life to this? We are not trained and many times don't know what to expect or how it changes our lives in an instant. I hate it and can't wait for it to be over!

My mom in the last month took a turn for the worse.We are not sure what is going on with this sudden onset of dementia.i have appts next week and hopefully there will be answers.Mom is suffering.Everyday she wakes up and has to go thru this all over again.She also has other health issues.I mentioned to my brother i pray she goes quietly.He freaked.He is not her caregiver.

Jlynnfox,
The other day my mother had slept in until after 10:00 AM, something that was highly unusual for her. I found myself hoping that she had passed away in her sleep and what a relief it would be. When I heard her stirring around in her room, I was almost disappointed then I felt terrible for the thoughts I had just had. I do love my mother but the disruption in our lives is unbearable. She has always been a mean-spirited person but as time has gone on she has become vicious. Example: She was sitting out on the front porch one evening and three ladies from our development walked by. My mother has now taken to referring to them as 'those hateful bitches'. Really? She doesn't know them, doesn't know a thing about them, but in her mind that's what they are. It's a lot of fun at my house - NOT! So, yeah, I think many of us have those thoughts.....we're only human. Don't beat yourself up for wanting your life back.

Jlynnfox - I do understand. My mother-in-law passed in May. It had become a waiting game. While feeling guilty for wanting her to pass on, she was in pain and out of her mind at 77 that the only relief for her would be death. Therefore my guilt. What a relief when we got the call she had finally passed!

On the other hand, I've had to deal with my father-in-law who was disappointed she didn't pass "on schedule" with his plans to have the funeral on a Saturday - (she passed on a Thursday and he had made the arrangements on Tuesday before she was dead). We had the funeral the day after Mother's Day.

Now my father-in-law has decided to move from Nebraska down here to Alabama "because he is lonely" on the weekends (his week is filled with his activities)....I see my weekends becoming filled with his visits to my house as he has found an assisted living place here in AL. I'm dreading it - I was giving the news the other day and came back to work to cry.

He is 81 years old, still drives (informs us he cannot move to AL until after his cataract surgery - yes, unbelievably he neglected to tell us this and drove 800 miles to my house for Christmas)

Think of Walter Mathau in "Grumpy Old Men" and you will have met my father-in-law. Everything I say is wrong or made up - but he counts on me to pamper him like his wife had done before she took ill.

I'm sorry to vent when I was really trying to comfort you!
God Bless

Ah the dreaded cough.....Do you go through the motions of getting things ready and in your mind play out the scene where they don't get up and you call 911 and what you will have to say and the funeral arrangements etc?....just get to what you will wear to the funeral and cough cough....Not Dead...F)^*%!

Yeah so I am a miserable old trout I don't CARE!

I know exactly what you mean. I have my mom here at home with me and literally wake up each morning, and go about making coffee and stuff with one ear open, Just waiting to hear her start moving around. I dread it when I have to finally go into her room and check on her.
I know the day is coming that she will not be waking up, and I've got passed feeling guilty about it, but it's a heck of a way to start each day.

Yes, but with differing views, some are tired and worn out and wish that the care giving would end, some hate to see a loved one failing, some, like you want to spare someone else suffering, some just want the insurance money, some really don't like the person and wish they would just die already, others feel the person has lived a full life and should be going along now to the other side. Death is the final act in a life however long or short. It is not a bad thing, just apart of ones existence. We will all die and there is a time to die and wishing someone would, whether nice or not nice, is inevitable for many of us. So I would say yes, a lot of people think this, don't over focus on it, accept your feelings and move forward, what else is there?...just time...