Mom had heart attack today.

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I went to my job and my mom was alone (I thought my more capable dad was home) and he left to go to the dentist.
I took a break at work as per my boss's insistence to find 7 VMs that life alert got an emergency call from fire rescue and were transporting Mom from home (I live like a rat in the basement sleeping on the couch if I can consider it home)...to a major hospital further from them. I happen to be working 5 mins from that major hospital. That she activated the emergency necklace told me this was bad. That she was being sent to the major hospital w chest pains.


I actually ran out of work and flew 90 miles an hour (ok not 90) to the ER ad got there before her. When they got me to her she was surrounded by 20-28 medical staff. EMS was amazing and stayed with her. She did not recognize me at first because of the confusion.


I held her had as she had a second heart attack.


Having a severe headache, they took her to MRI to rule ut stroke.


Not a stroke.


Transport cath lab stat... open up any blockages and so forth.


My dad was not reachable for a long time. My cousin got hold of me and him ad agreed to transport him to ER and not tell him immediately that she had a STEMI.


At 95 we dont need him careening down the road in his town car hearse like vehicle. God love him.


I eventually get a hold of my other two sisters in neighboring states. One is a nurse and married to a cardiologist.


Meanwhile - code blues going off a few times in cardiac lab and floor.


My co worker - works as a nurse at the hospital. She showed up to sit with me because she knows my siblings really dont get what its like. Essentially - as many of you have experienced yourselves - you get hit with the bulk of caregiving and little to no respect, help or ...help. They have great lives and it sucks to be me.


She stablizes. One sister who was sobbing on the phone shows up with y dad after driving 2.5 hours to the area. Yaye.


I let everyone in fam know what was going on. I love my cousin but she left the hospital after abut 1/2 hour telling me not to go home unless someone was there to drive my dad home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. That's correct. You know little to nothing about my integrity yet? I work in health care. . I cannot count the times I had been there with her om the last yr of her life when my cousin was not on the radar.


Nurse sister shows up after I had to hear he husbands interpretation of the status of my mom. Sure I appreciate his input. But then it was insulting that I am not a healthcare proxy for my mom. My dad was. He wasnt available. My sister is the second in command and she does NOTHING to help on a reg basis. I told ER doc to ask my mom what her wishes are before surgery if she is awake and alert (she was). In the absence of that, we would wait to speak to my dad or sister.


My sister forgot to take one of her anti depressants and left the new script back at her home. I said get an emerg dose sent here and I will pick it up.


I did. That nightmare can be told another day. CvS sucks.


I get home. I call my sister. She is w my dad getting food with my dad and other sister. Did they even call to ask if I wanted anything?


NOPE


I get home to a disaster in the house and clean it up.


One sister is leaving tomorrow. The other is probably going to leave as well. Still no word on how mom wiill fare next few days.


They get back. I texted that I would be cancelling a long awaited and planed trip where I am running a race because they were probably going back to their lives. Neither had to work BTW. I did but clled out. If I dont show up I dont get paid. My sister is her husbands NURSE. The other has help in her dog boarding business.


SO I cancelled my trip, lost my deposit 250$ plus entry fees for race etc. due to cancellation. It is snowing here suddenly. So that sucks too.


I had no idea their plans and it was late. I had to make a decision re trip and work. Neither seemed to absorb the timeliness of the issue.


One says oh go ahead on your trip I will stay through sunday. I dont come back until Monday so that doesnt work for me. Dad will try to haul to the ER to see her and then she also has to return home if all goes ok. Or not.


The siblings come back home w dad. They yell down into the abyss basement - i dont yell. Talk like a human in lower tones please. Come down here but dont yell down and presume my lack of reply has to do with being mad...I simply refuse to yell and I was busy.


I go back up and one of them yells WHY ARE YOU MAD. I do not operate like this. It is not the time or place or manner in which one should be addressed. It is the scapegoat (me) role that I have no right to be treated with respect and made to feel like my feeling unhappy is ok.


I take care of BOTH parents and my retarded brother lives in a state home down the road and I visit him etc. Im not his proxy either and neither sister has seen him in years even when they come to visit. Thanks dad.


I wanted to vent

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Find ways to carve out your own space wherever you are. Ignore the relatives and anyone who doesn't know what you are going through, and also those who find they must be negative towards you. I am facing this too. Set as many boundaries as you need to carve out your own take care of yourself time. For example, I see my mother once a week or sometimes two. I was calling her everyday but she upsets me and throws me off so I am not doing that anymore. The worse my mother treats me the less I'll be there for her. I don't care anymore. Honestly. Otherwise I'll be dead before she will. I value and cherish my life and I give what I can. No one else is helping mom so I figure I'm a good daughter and she's so toxic, I sure am a good enough daughter for my own peace of mind! That's the tough call: it's my sanity or taking her crap. Can't walk away but I am not going to be her puppy dog. Luckily, she has found other people to manipulate who spoil her as if she were a 4 year old. Mom is not demented, but she does have mental illness issues that she never has dealt with. I just won't play her game her way anymore.

I also assert myself when my brother puts me down. I don't allow myself the role of doormat to anymore. and no one should.

Most women are over kind and are not abusive to others. I am not mean or cold. I've simply had enough abuse from my dysfunctional family. I've learned to give in measured amounts. Not a great warm fuzzy way to live but this is what I can do. Giving all and playing beck and call is more disasterous!
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You have every right to be angry.
You had a right to leave despite your mom's begging.
You are surviving and being stronger than you even realize. The level of dysfunction with emotional dishonesty and blackmail in your family is high, it is as transparent and self-serving as all get out, and you know it, but that does not always make it as much easier to face as one would hope.
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thank you all for insight and perspectives.

Its been hard. My car flatlined and headed for the compost. Dad offered to co sign until I can take out what I have left in retirement to pay him in Jan. My credit is no good anymore. I tried to say no - and did many times but he kept insisting. I agreed. I already paid the registration tags and two mos of payments - wanted to wait until Jan to wd so I could try to pay back 401 next yr and not get hit with those taxes in april. Might be able to do a hardship exemption. Not sure.

He then went back and forth after insisting he help - since they dont pay me for caretaking or anything. I said its just til Jan. The back and forth was ridiculous and frankly, exhausting on me since I had to continue to rent a car and it was expensive. I had no way to work or other things I needed to do.

Anywho - he started screaming at me because he decided he thought I should get a different car after we applied for the loan. This was getting ridiculous. I explained I did not want him to loan the money and it was a bad idea and that I would get the car I was planning to without his help. He was screaming and spitting in m face while cursing at me saying he hated me. Telling me to grow up. As I told him he will not speak to me that way he told me to get out of his house. While he was screaming at me he (as always) accused me of trying to kill my mother.

I packed my things and my mom cried begging me not to leave her. I was going to stay in the shelter until I could get on my feet. He started saying not to go and that he didnt mean what he said. I said no I am leaving.

I went downstairs and my mom came down and was actually understanding and said it was why she became addicted to alcohol. His rages and domineering narcissism made it toxic to live with. She said it wasnt me who needed to grow up. I felt so sorry for her. I realized how damaging this man has been. It even caused her siblings to stay away for yrs and she thought it was due to her.

They got a to day a wk caretaker who has a cane and cannot take her for walks and plays solitaire while my mother sleeps. My sister said that is inexcusable and I supplied an alternate caregiver service through co worker. SHe said she would call but did not. Anyways. I get a text stating they werent going to change the caregiver as my parents seem to like her. I said ok decide amongst yourselves as I said from the beginning. She accused me of going to the "darkside" and told me not to get angry.

Since when is agreeing and letting them do whatever they want the darkside? Having boundaries means DARKSIDE? And getting angry ? I wasnt until I was accused of being dark simply because I have to detach or lose my mind. She doesnt live here and she and my dad ask my opinion ad then love to discount me and then judge me. So I stay out of it.

Boundaries means the darkside in my family. They get angry, rage, treat me like crap and when I simply detach, I am called dark. And the ironic thing is that I am instructed NOT to get angry. No one has the right to tell me what to feel or prescribe what emotions are allowable.

They dont even know me.

The worst thing about being told Dont get mad - is that it is usually followed by comments that have no right to escape a person's lips. They want a free pass.

My father never says thank you nor appreciates a damned thing I do. He uns off and leaves me here alone with Mom whenever he wants. I have taken her out daily and cleaned, cooked, shopped - managed meds., called them in and spoken to Drs etc...and he takes off and does not tell me - leaving me standing here without anyone to care or sit with mom. While my own life disintegrates.

He does not do a damned thing except growl when I walk in a room. I never know what mood he willbe in so I stay quiet. If I am quiet - he has always raged at me for being "unhappy".

I wish to god I had a ft job that I could support myself with. I am working on it because I cannot outlive the insanity of this toxic man. It is killing me and my siblings are helpiing.
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Scaredtaker,,,.get your sister or Dad, whoever has medical say so, to rethink the rehab...at least do the first 20 days of free rehab.....this will benefit her so much. Otherwise, it will be so hard for you to resume YOUR life.....and if it is your sister that does not want rehab...shame on her.....she should come pick up mother and put her life on hold for a bit. Hang tough!
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thank you all so much
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Scaredtaker: I am listening. I appreciate that you don't want to be told anything right now. But you have come to the right place.
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We are here to encourage one another - I hope you can get some good deep sleep even if it's 3:30 in the morning
Nite nite
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vstefans
Yes, I have a therapist. I have pride which is why I am posting here and not talking to my family who does not give a rats rear.
I was venting. I am grateful for the good things. I am a perpetual effing Pollyanna and work my rear off to get my parents to see the good in every day.

You see - I am well aware of the good things and living with negativity around the clock by an alcoholic and narcissist will wear a person down to the bone. Hence my vent. I mean. She just had 2 heart attacks. I am a little on edge.

I am aware of the services. Well aware. I also am a supervisor for the homeless shelter. We help w community services ad nauseum. Hard part is keeping parents from firing the help. I am doing dual duty with two. One doesnt want to wear undergarments and pees and sh+ts in the bed while wanting to drive at 95 yrs of age despite attempts to intervene. I am blown away at that whole thing. Yet here we are.

I am also in grad school - ha - I had to take half the semester off because I was overwhelmed - AND - - - - I am also broke. (throws confetti).


MsMadge - thank you. It is 3 am here and I appreciate the note. Best words to hear today - I am listening.


Johnjoe much apreciated. Thank you for the kind words.

Gershun what an amazing story - and thank you for sharing it.

Babalou -They will send her home as per the MD. She wont go to rehab. It's not up to me and I have been here a while now. I don't care whatmy siblings think of me. Past that. I just needed help and I certainly do not have an illusion of them helping. Just venting. I am of course, making plans for leaving after I have determined what my personal best here will be.


jjmummert - no I am pretty much solo. But that is not the imminent focus at this moment. Ihave been working hard at securing a FT job that will hire a 50+ woman a wage that will support me to move and live plus pay off debt my ex left me with. Thats another ball of wax for another day. Just not this day.


freqflyer - your post is funny. And true. If only I could keep one home. But here we are.

G nite all















Rather than loooking to be fixed. Rather than being told platitudes. I think more than anything I was and still am feeling worn out. The things is - I am am venting. I feel unheard. Simple enough. I do appreciate the tough love but maybe on another day when I am less bruised. OK?
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Scaredtaker, that can be frustrating when there are other family members and very few, if any, raise their hands to say that they will help.

It took me a while to realize that not everyone does well in a medical emergency. Anytime my Dad was sent to the ER via 911, my sig other would drive me there and leave me off at the door, and then head home. Oh how that irked me as I would have liked to have had his support. He hated hospitals. My ex was the same way.

If someone doesn't like hospitals or rehabs or assisted living facilities it is better they stay home, otherwise you would be dealing with two patients.... one needing actual care... and another whining that they feel like passing out.

Here's hoping your Mom recovers well after her heart attack. My Dad had one 7 years ago and after physical therapy he was doing well.
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If your mother has a heart condition, then it's time your sis the cardiology nurse takes over her care. Walk away. It's their turn. You can always go visit your mother once in a while.
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