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Mom fell and broke her hip and also had to have surgery for colon cancer. In hospital for 10 days, then Rehab Facility for 30 days and home with Home Health Care twice a week. Now on her own at home but still with walking and balance problems (uses walker). I go over every other day to check on her and call each day. Now she can't drive so I take her to all of her appointments, help clean her house, fill her daily pill container, either go or take her grocery shopping and to the pharmacy. She is 87 years old and very stubborn. Gets angry at me when I try to help...says she can handle it but doesn't. Doesn't eat and doesn't take her meds like she should but tells me otherwise. I get very frustrated with her but don't know how to cope with her moods. My husband gets upset because I need to spend so much time with my Mom. I feel caught in the middle. Caring for Mom also costs us for gas, things I buy that she asks for and I don't get the money back. I feel guilty for being upset with her...after all, she is my Mom!!! Thanks for letting me "vent".

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I agree, SuzieQs; I've found it hard to get the gist into the title too; and you do get shifts of focus between headline and body. Also it quite often happens that the real question is absolutely different altogether! - but that's another story.
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Countrymouse

Give a Hug

15 hrs ago

SuzieQs, I don't think the OP is expecting anyone to pay her for the caring; I think she'd like to know how she can get her money back from her mother, or handle her mother's expenses, so that she herself isn't paying for the privilege.

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Countrymouse,

The original post of this thread said: "Can I get paid...." so I responded to it. I guess the OP changed the title of this thread after the first couple of posts. I looked up this thread and asked myself...What happened to the original title? That is why my response doesn't fit. I wanted to clarify myself ;)
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pam ;
money back at the will reading ? i call BS . theres no reason for someone to spent money on an elder while they carefully hoard theirs . edna got chintzy with fuel money while we were taking our country drives too . the drives eased up and in only a few days she was offering to buy fuel for a ride in the hills . i8f i destroy me i cant help myself or anyone else in the future ..
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You may be well looking at your mom's"new normal". You may have to step back a bit, as suggested by others and wait for your mom to request help. One concrete suggestion...get a weekly pill case, not daily one.
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be careful with your approach .
i sat with aunt yesterday morning at nh and sat idly by as she struggled with cutting up her sausage patty with a knife . i was observing carefully tho . at the point where the task looked like it was frustrating her i would have asked if shed like some help and done it for her . we never reached that point so i let her cut it up herself . shes the homemaker , woodsman and wild game butcher from h*ll , just didnt have an appropriate knife . had i jumped in and done it for her it would have demeaned and agitated her . i done learned that while trying to help her at bingo one day . she told me if i wanted to play , get myself a couple of bingo cards . if ya want evidence of that statement , see the very first entry on the " whine " thread ..
i helped my mother only when she asked for or verbally accepted it too and she loved me for it . both women not only remain but are put in control when theyre with me . if you take control from them youd cause agitation . putting myself in their shoes ; if you took control from me , switch the word agitation with homicide " . ( kidding for the sake of driving home a most serious point )
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Thank you all for your insight and advice. Just to hear that others have the same challenges with their parents is comforting. I know I should expect that my Mom take responsibility for her choice to live at home with my help. But I just can't talk back to her and let her suffer the consequences. Yes, this is a recent problem. My Father passed away two years ago (they were married for 70 years) and naturally Mom has had a difficult time adjusting. Then, four months ago, she fell and broke her hip just before having colon cancer surgery. So, lots of changes in her life to cope with. I am searching for many solutions to help her and me through this difficult time. I guess I am trying to do it all because I feel this problem is only temporary until she gets better. As each days challenges continue, I am starting to realize that this might be how it is going to be from now on. By the way, yes I am her POA legally but there is a fine line when I am able to help her without her saying that I am "pushy and controlling". We have had Home Health Care coming into the house to help her but she does not like "people" in and out of her house. I like the one statement that this is her "choice" to live at home so it is also her responsibility to do the things required to stay there by herself. Good advice. I should have never brought up the issue of "expenses" because the money is not the problem. I was just searching for whatever help or programs are available. I am retired and on a fixed income as well as my Mom. Just looking at all options.
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^^^^ sorry for the grammar errors, my brain isn't running on all 8 cylinders tonight :P
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cbradp, any chance your hubby can help out to give you more time to catch up on your own chores? My significant other, because of his work schedule has off one day during the week so I can schedule a very early appointment for my parents and they doesn't mind him driving and even coming into the doctor exam room. That's one less trip on the road and one less half day off from work for me.

As for expenses, Mom gave me one of her credit cards to keep in my wallet so if I am out and about [rarely as I hate to shop] and I see something they need, I can use her card. Of course, I do all of their grocery shopping [I do on-line grocery shopping] and her credit card is already in their system.
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SuzieQs, I don't think the OP is expecting anyone to pay her for the caring; I think she'd like to know how she can get her money back from her mother, or handle her mother's expenses, so that she herself isn't paying for the privilege.

I agree with you that caregiving is expensive and draining in all sorts of ways, which leaves us with the choice of do it or don't do it but don't expect what you won't get.

CBR, have you been doing this for long? I get the impression not, but has it been creeping up on you for years or is it more all of a sudden? PamStegman is absolutely right that if you try to keep up this pace it'll finish you off pdq.

The expenses bit is simple, but only in an easier said than done way. Shopping for your mother: you either insist on cash before you buy, or you could consider using a dedicated credit card for her shopping and presenting her with the monthly account (at which point you would still have to be firm and prepared to argue). Bills for your own car's fuel and other out-of-pocket expenses - as you don't have POA, which in some jurisdictions would allow you to claim back money expended solely and exclusively on your mother's wellbeing, this is also simple but not in a good way: like it or lump it - another good reason for reining in the frequency of your house calls.

The thing is, you FEEL responsible for your mother's welfare, but you're not. She is. As long as she has the mental capacity to understand her own situation and the consequences of decisions she makes, those consequences are her problem and - because you cannot control her - not yours. You can explain. You can advise. You can offer. You can support. But you cannot decide what she does. No responsibility without authority.

Which I am about to demonstrate by telling my mother that her pyjamas, commode, washing things, toothbrush, nightlight, drinking water, slippers and cuddly elephant (Gawd help us) are all ready and waiting in her bedroom. It is bedtime. In fact it is PAST bedtime, for normal human beings. If she won't go to bed - and she won't, she wants to sit up watching late night TV that makes my party-gal grown-up daughters blush - then I am still going to go to my bed; and if she chooses tonight to trip over and strangle herself with her own bra strap then whose fault is that?

Oh dear, it'll be mine… hangs head. So the only choice I have left is to stamp and scream and turn off the TV whether she likes it or not. Picture yourself stamping and screaming. It's not pretty. But it's either that, or harden your heart.
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All elders get stubborn and angry when thier independance is threatened i can understand that and yes its so frustrating when they say they dont need help but clearly do! we do what we can and let them get on with it as much as is safe if something happens theres not alot we can do? We just keep on caring as best we can whether they like it or not and know that one day they will become more passive and easier to care for hopefully? when my mum gets angry she reminds me that its her house so ive learnt to let it go and just potter around like a robot and do everything its all i can do until she realises she cant live alone anymore?
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Freqflyer you make some good points. "It's her house, her choice." I need to remember that when dealing with my mom, who alternates between needing me for this or that and shoving me away as useless or ungrateful. Most recently she chose for me to keep away from her so I'm giving her some space.
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cbradp, a therapist told me that when one's parent(s) make a choice to stay in their own home, that parent(s) had to take on the responsibility of making that choice.... thus, if the parent(s) is home alone and doesn't want help, so be it.

I understand what you mean by "she is my Mom!!!", I have the same issue with my parents, it is so hard to say no to them.... and I have to keep repeating over and over in my mind that it was THEIR choice.

For my Mom, I tried to give her a gift of one time cleaning of the house and she was very offended and didn't want strangers in the house. So I backed off, I don't even help her clean and sadly she and Dad no longer see all the grim and handprints, and a kitchen sink that needs a good scrubbing. It's her house, her choice.

Best thing to do, don't help except for the driving to appointments and to the grocery store. Hopefully she will eventually ask for you help in other areas.
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cbradp,

I don't see anyone using harsh words. What I see is a HARSH reality of exhausting caregiving to others. It gets harder each day, and their is NO money to go around.

While it sounds mean, again, WHO do you think should pay you?

If you can come up with a viable solution, I'm on board. Life just isn't fair, Is it?
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Have you considered bringing in outside help? If you hired a home healthcare agency their caregivers will make sure your mom eats, takes her medications, and they can even take your mom shopping or to the pharmacy or wherever she needs to go. This would come out of your mom's pocket, not yours. If your mom wants to maintain her independence she's going to have to have help. You need time for your own family as well.
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I thought this website was for support and suggestions at a difficult time in a family's situation. I do not need harsh words from others! I need sharing and positive support and suggestions from others who have experienced the same situations. I am looking for answers NOT more criticism.
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Money back? No, this is payback time for being a child. No money back until the Will is read. As for the time, cut it back to once a week or you will burn out rather quickly. When she gets nasty, tell her so, and leave until she can calm down. Friday I walked out when mom started throwing things. That is where you draw the line.
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WHO do you expect to be paying you for this?
I'm doing the same thing that you are. My mom doesn't qualify for any Medicaid because her income is a few hundred over the limit.

There are probably millions of people who are in our shoes. I cannot work full time because I have to care for mom. Nobody is compensating me for decreasing my regular hours... The irony is that my mom did NOT care for us (her kids) when we were little, therefore the other siblings don't even want to hear about caregiving.

I am stuck....and getting resentful. There is NO INCOME out of this for me.
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