Mom gets angry at me when I try to help.

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Mom fell and broke her hip and also had to have surgery for colon cancer. In hospital for 10 days, then Rehab Facility for 30 days and home with Home Health Care twice a week. Now on her own at home but still with walking and balance problems (uses walker). I go over every other day to check on her and call each day. Now she can't drive so I take her to all of her appointments, help clean her house, fill her daily pill container, either go or take her grocery shopping and to the pharmacy. She is 87 years old and very stubborn. Gets angry at me when I try to help...says she can handle it but doesn't. Doesn't eat and doesn't take her meds like she should but tells me otherwise. I get very frustrated with her but don't know how to cope with her moods. My husband gets upset because I need to spend so much time with my Mom. I feel caught in the middle. Caring for Mom also costs us for gas, things I buy that she asks for and I don't get the money back. I feel guilty for being upset with her...after all, she is my Mom!!! Thanks for letting me "vent".


WHO do you expect to be paying you for this?
I'm doing the same thing that you are. My mom doesn't qualify for any Medicaid because her income is a few hundred over the limit.

There are probably millions of people who are in our shoes. I cannot work full time because I have to care for mom. Nobody is compensating me for decreasing my regular hours... The irony is that my mom did NOT care for us (her kids) when we were little, therefore the other siblings don't even want to hear about caregiving.

I am stuck....and getting resentful. There is NO INCOME out of this for me.
Money back? No, this is payback time for being a child. No money back until the Will is read. As for the time, cut it back to once a week or you will burn out rather quickly. When she gets nasty, tell her so, and leave until she can calm down. Friday I walked out when mom started throwing things. That is where you draw the line.
I thought this website was for support and suggestions at a difficult time in a family's situation. I do not need harsh words from others! I need sharing and positive support and suggestions from others who have experienced the same situations. I am looking for answers NOT more criticism.
Have you considered bringing in outside help? If you hired a home healthcare agency their caregivers will make sure your mom eats, takes her medications, and they can even take your mom shopping or to the pharmacy or wherever she needs to go. This would come out of your mom's pocket, not yours. If your mom wants to maintain her independence she's going to have to have help. You need time for your own family as well.

I don't see anyone using harsh words. What I see is a HARSH reality of exhausting caregiving to others. It gets harder each day, and their is NO money to go around.

While it sounds mean, again, WHO do you think should pay you?

If you can come up with a viable solution, I'm on board. Life just isn't fair, Is it?
cbradp, a therapist told me that when one's parent(s) make a choice to stay in their own home, that parent(s) had to take on the responsibility of making that choice.... thus, if the parent(s) is home alone and doesn't want help, so be it.

I understand what you mean by "she is my Mom!!!", I have the same issue with my parents, it is so hard to say no to them.... and I have to keep repeating over and over in my mind that it was THEIR choice.

For my Mom, I tried to give her a gift of one time cleaning of the house and she was very offended and didn't want strangers in the house. So I backed off, I don't even help her clean and sadly she and Dad no longer see all the grim and handprints, and a kitchen sink that needs a good scrubbing. It's her house, her choice.

Best thing to do, don't help except for the driving to appointments and to the grocery store. Hopefully she will eventually ask for you help in other areas.
Freqflyer you make some good points. "It's her house, her choice." I need to remember that when dealing with my mom, who alternates between needing me for this or that and shoving me away as useless or ungrateful. Most recently she chose for me to keep away from her so I'm giving her some space.
All elders get stubborn and angry when thier independance is threatened i can understand that and yes its so frustrating when they say they dont need help but clearly do! we do what we can and let them get on with it as much as is safe if something happens theres not alot we can do? We just keep on caring as best we can whether they like it or not and know that one day they will become more passive and easier to care for hopefully? when my mum gets angry she reminds me that its her house so ive learnt to let it go and just potter around like a robot and do everything its all i can do until she realises she cant live alone anymore?
SuzieQs, I don't think the OP is expecting anyone to pay her for the caring; I think she'd like to know how she can get her money back from her mother, or handle her mother's expenses, so that she herself isn't paying for the privilege.

I agree with you that caregiving is expensive and draining in all sorts of ways, which leaves us with the choice of do it or don't do it but don't expect what you won't get.

CBR, have you been doing this for long? I get the impression not, but has it been creeping up on you for years or is it more all of a sudden? PamStegman is absolutely right that if you try to keep up this pace it'll finish you off pdq.

The expenses bit is simple, but only in an easier said than done way. Shopping for your mother: you either insist on cash before you buy, or you could consider using a dedicated credit card for her shopping and presenting her with the monthly account (at which point you would still have to be firm and prepared to argue). Bills for your own car's fuel and other out-of-pocket expenses - as you don't have POA, which in some jurisdictions would allow you to claim back money expended solely and exclusively on your mother's wellbeing, this is also simple but not in a good way: like it or lump it - another good reason for reining in the frequency of your house calls.

The thing is, you FEEL responsible for your mother's welfare, but you're not. She is. As long as she has the mental capacity to understand her own situation and the consequences of decisions she makes, those consequences are her problem and - because you cannot control her - not yours. You can explain. You can advise. You can offer. You can support. But you cannot decide what she does. No responsibility without authority.

Which I am about to demonstrate by telling my mother that her pyjamas, commode, washing things, toothbrush, nightlight, drinking water, slippers and cuddly elephant (Gawd help us) are all ready and waiting in her bedroom. It is bedtime. In fact it is PAST bedtime, for normal human beings. If she won't go to bed - and she won't, she wants to sit up watching late night TV that makes my party-gal grown-up daughters blush - then I am still going to go to my bed; and if she chooses tonight to trip over and strangle herself with her own bra strap then whose fault is that?

Oh dear, it'll be mine… hangs head. So the only choice I have left is to stamp and scream and turn off the TV whether she likes it or not. Picture yourself stamping and screaming. It's not pretty. But it's either that, or harden your heart.
cbradp, any chance your hubby can help out to give you more time to catch up on your own chores? My significant other, because of his work schedule has off one day during the week so I can schedule a very early appointment for my parents and they doesn't mind him driving and even coming into the doctor exam room. That's one less trip on the road and one less half day off from work for me.

As for expenses, Mom gave me one of her credit cards to keep in my wallet so if I am out and about [rarely as I hate to shop] and I see something they need, I can use her card. Of course, I do all of their grocery shopping [I do on-line grocery shopping] and her credit card is already in their system.

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