I am thinking about moving out and putting my Mother in assisted living because of her following me around.

Started by

Shadowing - This is the one behavior that I cannot deal with anymore. I can not be out of her sight for more than 10 minutes without her coming to look for me to see what I am doing. When she is in the same room with me she just stares at everything I do. I feel that I am living under a microscope and I truly hate this feeling. I was in the bathroom the other day and my Mother was outside of the door asking if there was "something wrong" because everytime she comes into a room I leave. The only way she seems content if I am sitting in front of the TV watching some inane program with her. I feel suffocated and resentful.


Apparently mom is having some anxiety... don't know what meds she is on, but you may try going to her Dr. and suggesting he/she try some meds for this.... there are some very mild meds that help. I know this is driving you insane.... we all need time to ourselves , be it only a few minutes, like in the bathroom.... let us know what all is going with her and maybe there will be other suggestions....
sending you hugs of understanding...
She was on a low dose antidepressant but stopped taking it because "it does not work." What she meant is it does not make her young. I am having care giver burnout. I love my Mums but when is it enough? I want my own life back!! It has only been 2 years for me and when I read about how people do this for 5, 10 and 20 years I am amazed.
I am having the exact same problem so I sympathize. I finally told her (blew up, actually) that's what's wrong is that she's asking me what's wrong all day long! My husband has had a discussion telling her to stop bothering me. I can't do anything without non-stop comments about how hard I'm working, I work too hard, I'm so busy, I do so much laundry, etc. I've found the only thing that works (albeit after multilpe times) is to be very frank and tell her she's driving me crazy and has to stop. She needs to find something to do and I'll be happy to help with that if she needs it. I told her I am simply living my life and she is harrassing me. I know this sounds harsh but being brutally honest was the only thing that got through to her. I wish you luck!!
One more thing. Do you want your children to feel the way you do? Of course not. I surmised that my mother didn't want to cause me to feel that way either so telling her straight out that that is exactly what was happening seemed to get through. I still have to remind her and when I'm at the end of my rope, I leave. It is getting better though.
Hadenough and njmommy...I am going through the same things with my husband!! No end in sight. He follows me everywhere I go.. I turn around and he is right there. Room to room while doing my choirs, even up and down the stairs, my office work, etc. Sitting watching me, looking over my shoulder all the time. Bringing me things that I set down for a few minutes. While I am working in the yard, he puts my tools away and in the wrong place - I have to go hunt for it. Even the bathroom thing now. (for a quick laugh, now..I was using the edger and he brought me the plug end so that i could have more cord..not once but twice) There is no one else in the house so no other distractions. They can no longer do things on their own, so there is no place for them to go or do ALONE. Even simple directions to do something can't be completed without help. Even when I tell him to sit down and relax it is temporary. He will apologize for bothering me and then come right back! I am working on getting someone to come in to be with him SO THAT I can have a little ME TIME. Hope you are trying that too... No meds here so far.
I remember this, although my mother could not see, so she did not like to feel like she was alone and I was only 10 feet away. Crazy to live through.
If your loved ones can see, how about setting up a simple jigsaw puzzle on a table where they are out of the way and where there's plenty of light? Card games? Folding clothes? Dusting? Just to give them a focus and off of you for a while.
I know hardly anything works, but we keep trying:((
Thanks ChristinaW. It is hard when they have NO interest in anything and won't do anything alone. Folding clothes...very short time. Thanks!!! :-)
I forgot to say that I agree with hadenough about placing Mom and posted to your wall:)
RELEASE, I know. It is really futile and gets worse before it gets better. Which it never does, of course. I have a friend who ended up placing her husband who had Alzheimer's and it progressed. Each person is different in their behaviors. I hope you are able to make a decision when the time comes. I have a feeling you will:) xo
Thanks everyone for your input. It is a comfort to know that I am not alone.
Sometimes that's the biggest benefit:knowing you're not alone. I've tried giving my mom chores and they usually end up taking more of my time! Currently I've got a pile of her sheets,comforters, etc that I suggested she wash just to give her something to do. She won't actually need them until she gets her own place so there's no hurry which I explained very clearly and more than once. We'' she's obsessing over getting the laundry done, talking about it, asking about it. I wish I'd just done it myself and never mentioned it. I am going to keep giving her projects, though, because maybe it helps her feel productive.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support