Will wonders never cease? Mom finally accepted Assisted Living.

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I write this for those struggling to get a stubborn parent into Assisted Living. I took care of my mother, who lived in her own home, for 16 years. She had great needs right from the start and she did not anyone but me getting groceries, cleaning house, shoveling, yard work, driving to doctor, helping when her colostomy bag broke, emptying bedside commode.....you get the picture. I was working full-time at the beginning, lived 5 miles away, and my life was hell. Every little bit of outside help was a battle. I'd hire, she'd fire. After a series of events last year, she landed in a nursing home for rehab. I refused to take her home and booked a room in AL. She called me every kind of awful. Accused me of lying, stealing....nasty nasty. When she moved in she was horrible to staff. I feared she'd be kicked out. They were great. Eventually she settled down but continued to pout about her situation. Recently I have been very ill and have not seen my mother for nearly a month. I talk to her on the phone. Yesterday I told her what a comfort it was to me to know she was safe and cared for while I recovered. She actually said she was lucky to be there and how good she was treated. Never, ever thought I would hear the words. So if you have a stubborn parent, believe things can change. It won't be easy but if my mother could turn around nearly anyone could.

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Dear Rosy,

Glad your mom has finally accepted that living in assisted living is working for her.

My granny finally accept her fate after two years, but we finally got there. I know the decision is never easy. Thank you for sharing your story and updating us. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
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These are encouraging words indeed. Just put a deposit down for my mother to move. She is resistant but said "just put me there but not before my birthday". She lays the guilt trips that she took care of her parents and people just are the same anymore. I feel good about it and guilty at the same time.
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Momsgoto,
Man, you must be a pretty young spry thing. That list sounds pretty daunting. And your mom is okay with you doing all of that? I just find it so hard to imagine allowing a loved one to do all of that work for me, when they have their own life, own home, own family and don't even live near by. It really boggles the mind.

I suppose that I'm too blunt, because, I'd insist that she pay for some services and then I'd do the other things. Like stay with her in the hospital or be there for testing. But, most of the other things, I'd delegate. To me, when the expectations or demands are too much, that tells me that they are not thinking clearly, so I must at that point.
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And this is why I would never let my mother move in with us. First and foremost, my husband says no. But I have read the horror stories on this forum over and over again. The same regret, resentment, family drama, etc. It may work for some but I know my difficult mother and it would never work for me. I drive 2 hours a week and spend countless hours resolving issues and caring for mom. I keep her house safe, her bills paid, her groceries and other necessities stocked. I help her with medications and take her to doctors. We have been through surgeries, medical procedures and other demanding medical dramas. She is still very independent but acts soooooooooo dependent and pitiful. I only offer to take her to tour IL and AL facilities. She steals so much of life now, 50 miles away. What would it be like to be in the next room?!?! I know I could never survive if she were to move in with me. This might sound harsh but at least I am being honest with myself and her. She has more than enough money to live in a beautiful AL that is 5 minutes from my home. We could visit and take trips and enjoy a daughter/mother relationship again. She refuses. That is her choice, not mine.
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Rosy, great news! I too have a very stuborn FIL, who has very outdated ideals about Senior Living. He is right in the middle of needing a bit more care than AL can provide, or a Nursing home, where he might not yet be so suited, so, I'm in a dilemma! We will get there, but so happy to hear that you made it, and that she has settled in and now likes it!
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Rosy, BRAVO.... that is good news, and what a relief for you.

Now, hopefully you will be recovering soon, and getting a good rest as 16 years of caregiving was a very long time.
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Windyridge. Hang in there!
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Thanks for sharing that. I just posted elsewhere about my stubborn mom refusing help or assisted living. I predict this will be her future as well, trip to ER and on to nursing home.
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Rosyday, GREAT news. I'm so happy to hear your mom's words of satisfaction. It's so nice to have that reassurance, isn't it? I'm glad for you. I hope you are feeling better. I bet this news helps your recovery.

I hope others take some peace that a change can come. My cousin wasn't all that resistant, once she got settled in, but, it's still good to hear her say nice things about her staff in her MC. Yesterday, I called to talk to her about the impending snow and I told her that the director and the director's daughter, who works in the Secure MC unit, were going to spend the night. (They do this when there are snow storms that prevent some other staff members from getting in to work.) She burst out saying, "I love them! They are so great!" So, it's nice to know that she has such strong feelings for them. It reaffirmed my belief that she's treated well there.
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Wow, I'm so happy to read your post! I remember reading your previous posts about what a difficult mom you have. WOOHOO for you!!
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