Mom does not want to visit dad...

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My dad was placed in memory care/assisted living a year ago, about 10 minutes from home. Mom now lives alone in their home, down the street from me. She says he is no longer the person she knew and resists visiting. Sometimes she loads him in the car and brings him home to sit in the living room all afternoon. He gets confused and then wonders why he can't come back home...who could blame him? Now she is resisting visiting altogether and I am increasingly having to go to his facility during my work days and make excuses that she is busy, yada yada. It's horribly sad and, I think, cruel on her part.


He shouldn't be brought home. He needs to adjust to the AL and be told that is now his home. It was very hard for me seeing my Mom this way. And my patience ran thin even though I understood the condition. You have to let Mom deal with it in her own way. Check with the AL and see if they have talks on how Dementia/ ALZ works. She may understand more of what Dad is going thru and be more empathetic towards him. She doesn't have to go every day. With Dementia, she could have been there five minutes before you and he not remember. If the AL Doesn't offer something maybe your local Office of the Aging can help.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this on your own.
It’s hard enough that dad needs MC but to have to make excuses for your mom is an extra burden.
At the same time I wonder if she is just worn out with caring for him prior to MC? She may need some therapy to help her deal with her life of today. She may be suffering from depression.
Is she your dads POA? Does she handle his dr visits etc? I would excourage her to get help.
About you visiting. How bad is Dads short term? Days for Dementia patients just go into each other. Time is no more. So u can go every day or once a week. They will still say they never see you. Make no excuses for Mom. A little white lie won't hurt. "Oh, she must have something she needed to do" Eventually Dad won't even remember he has A wife. Or children. They seem to go further and further back into their lives to childhood. It's sad but is what happens. It's nice that you visit, but u really don't have to everyday. You will just stress ur self out.
Thank you. Yes - mom is depressed. She will not seek counseling or assistance. She refuses to learn anything about dealing with someone with dementia. When it comes to determining what type of dementia he has or what is the best way to care for him, she says it doesn't really matter. She knows it's not good to bring him home but she refuses to visit at his facility and, she says that she "doesn't know what else to do with him". So she dumps him in their living room 3 days a week and they sit and do nothing, just like they did before we moved him out.

Her attitude is that they are both "going to die soon" so none of this matters. Neither of them is 80 yet. It's not like they are ancient. Given their overall health and their parents' longevity this is likely to continue for another decade. I'm worn pretty thin now.

I am just sad because he is so concerned for her. Yesterday I went to visit him and he was wondering why he hadn't seen her since last week. I keep making up excuses that she is working on the house, taxes, whatever. She has made it clear she hopes he dies soon, and has said so in front of him and to him :(


What resources do you have?
Do you or your parents have siblings? Are you married? Have children?

Do you have POA for your parents?

How much care are you providing for your mom?

Does she pay her own bills? Prepare her own food?
Attend to her grooming etc.?
I started to ask if she had always been this detached but actually with the dying statement she sounds very angry.

You will have to change something to manage your parents.

You have to establish boundaries and somehow get your mom help.

Tell us more about your situation.
If you are looking for details Upstream posted about a similar problem a while ago
Thanks CWillie
I think I would find my dad a friend to visit with him a few times a week to help him acclimate to the AL and transfer his dependence.

I think I would tell my Dad that mom was being herself and change the subject when he asked about her.

Mom I would tell to stay away from AL. Why would she bring him home??

So sorry Upstream.

I am an only child and my parents have lived very isolated so, no local family and no real friends anymore. I am POA. I've tried to tell mom not to take him out of the facility but she refuses to listen. She is minimally caring for herself and her home. She refuses to move. She is competent to care for herself cognitively. She's getting weak and is a fall risk but refuses to consider physical therapy or anything like that. Unfortunately her situation also involves alcohol which, I believe is a major contributing factor to the situation we are all now in. I am 50 and run a small business so it's very hard for me to constantly interrupt my business for their care. I am scared because now I have two miserable people, living in two different locations, and I am the one and only person to take care of things. I am concerned for my own future because this is likely to continue for an extended amount of time. My parents are still in their 70s. I have been pretty hard nosed with my mom (the boundaries thing) which makes me feel cruel but I know this whole thing could blow up and ruin my life in a day so... This is just a situation I never expected to be in. I do have a husband but he is also helping care for his dad who lives alone and just turned 80 - he spent the afternoon today with his dad who has just been released from a skilled nursing facility after taking a bad fall.  Our parents have become our "Hobby"....LOL

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