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My mom died last night. She's had dementia for about 6 or so years and has been in a AFH since January. I'm just in shock. My mom was manipulative and controlling and always looking for a way out of the home, but I thought she was a long ways from laying down and dying. I'm a mixture of a little relieved for her that she doesn't have to suffer anymore anxiety and loss of dignity. But I just can't believe it's true. I can't believe she's gone, she been the middle my sisters and I have been circulating around forever, our bottom just dropped out. I'm not sure where she is, but it has to be better and she doesn't have to drag around that broken down 88 year old body. I'm so confused and sad and don't know what to do with myself. I've been laying here like a plank since last night. Don't want to talk, nothing. Just lay here and think. I wish I could cry. Thanks for listening.

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Nature and more specifically my garden is my happy place. It feels like a place with the most peace and where I can nurture and be nurtured no matter the season. My Higher Power is there in the silence. Kind of funny when I am very upset, I keep running outside to just breathe! Hoping you find your peaceful place to heal and regroup! Sending hugs and prayers your way!
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Awww...being sick on top of everything else just isn't fair. Sounds like a good plan... walk...bath...nap...repeat as often as necessary. My mom loved Black Hills Gold rings - she had 3 of them - one went to me, and the other two to my daughters. For some dumb reason I've become obsessed with finding another one - her first name was Rose, so I want to find one with a rose in it to wear on my middle finger next to the one she gave me. Mind you, the one she gave me should be meaningful (and it is), but for whatever reason I've decided I "need" one with a rose in it to wear in her honor also. Really not sure where that's coming from, if it's a weird stage of grief or what, but looking on eBay day after day searching for the perfect ring sort of refocuses my thoughts. Who knows if I'll ever find the perfect ring, but for now I'm happy just "window shopping", looking at old family photos and enjoying the happier memories that are (finally) resurfacing. You'll get there. (((hugs)))
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I tell you now I'm just becoming sick of myself. I just feel sucked in mire with all the feelings I am experiencing. I came down with a bad cold which never helps anything and have taken the rest of the week off work. I keep saying to myself "she IS okay and I'm GOING to be okay". The waves of panic keep coming up and combined with not being able to breathe because of my cold is almost (but not quite) comical. Like I said before I so appreciate everything everyone has helped me with and I vow in the future to help others going through the same thing. It's strange but this passing of my mother has all of the sudden made me want to be a more loving and accepting person, to be able to reach out. I've been more of a control freak, but when you feel you have been losing control (she's been sick with dementia, et all, for sooo long) and then lose control completely, it seems to make you humble. Anyone have any suggestions for a person who is sick in body and spirit? I'm thinking just stay in bed and rest, but it's really difficult for me, I feel like a lazy slug. I may get up, take a long walk, and then a hot bath, followed by a long nap.
Signed,
a weepy, soppy mess. Thank you so much.
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Be kind to yourself and your sisters and families. Let your friends be kind to you. Let your sisters be kind to you, too.
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Dear Looking Up....I want to give you a big hug right now! I know well the shock of a sudden death; it will take some time to process and return to normal. If we were all so fortunate to go peacefully in our sleep..... What could be better than that? I know you are hurting and in shock- it will lessen after some time. Allow yourself to grieve. My prayers are with you and your sisters. {{{HUG}}}
Karen
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God thank you so much you guys. I never thought I would be sitting her dripping tears all over my computer just loving a bunch of people I don't even know. Right now this is only thing that is giving me peace is that she is okay, not scared, doesn't have to go to the bathroom, not angry, hungry, tired, cold, bored, confused, and at peace. I have never seen my mom at peace, she was always fighting something (mostly herself and her health woes, she never felt good). But now she is okay and know I will be okay. Not looking forward to grief following me around though and poking me in the heart whenever it sees fit, but I guess it goes with the price of admission. But that's my problem, but for my mom, she's out of the woods into the light, so I just have to keep remembering to be happy for her and for me to remember to breathe. Thank you everyone.
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Praying for peace for you and your sisters. (hugs)
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So sorry for your loss. I lost my mom at the end of August, and at first I felt nothing but relief for her - for the end of her pain, and for the end of the frustrations of the past years her many illnesses brought her and me. It wasn't until a month or so later that I truly began to realize the magnitude of the loss - the mother I had when I was a child, a teen, an adult, the happy mother that slowly disappeared over the years, was gone...just like that...GONE. I don't know that I have truly "grieved" yet and have also been told grief happens on it's own terms. I suspect it will rear it's head over the holidays...not looking forward to those this year. Hang in there...remember the good times, and that she's now at peace. That has brought me the most comfort..knowing my Mom is now pain and illness-free.
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I am so very sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself. I lost my mom 10 years ago. I was working part time, so I spent the time when the kids were at school staring out the window in tears. Death is so final and it brings up so many emotions. Cry when you need to cry, drink lots of liquids and get a big box of soft tissues. It's hard, it really is.
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(((((((hugs))))))) and sympathies on your loss. It is a shock at first -the tears will come. Nothing ever prepares us for a death. Frankly, it is what I wish for my mother. She is 101 and tired of life though physically pretty well. Look after yourself, do some good things for you, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. If you need to just lay there and do nothing for a while - it is OK. Whatever you need to do or not do, is OK.
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Believe in God and Heaven, know she is there with her parents, her friends and all the pets she ever owned. Imagine Heaven is a dinner party and all the guests who are already there have been waiting for her to arrive. All the aunts and uncles, the babies, a perfect meal on the table. What a celebration! And when Heaven's light shines brightly, she will part the clouds above, and when you see the sunbeam, she is sending you her love.
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It's been three strange days since mom passed. I've gone to a my trusted counselor (whom I wouldn't' have made it this last 5 years without) and he told me there is no special way to grieve, but be a blank slate and deal with the feelings that come up. We've got all of the arrangements done, service on Saturday, actual burial (cremation) on Monday. I came down with a cold yesterday (dang) and the first thing I thought was "this will be the first cold I've ever had where mom doesn't sound sympathetic and say "oh, honey I can hear it in your voice, do you have any metholatum"? Everyone needs their mom and those memories will never go away. On the other side though, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER ANYMORE. Due to my family upbringing (5 kids from 4 different fathers - two were twins - and mom was a party girl, worked nights - a beautiful woman, maybe too beautiful). Anyway I've been worried about her for 53 years. I started my active worrying when I was 7 years and I swear to god it's continued until last Saturday when she passed. I don't know if this is right, wrong, or what. I always found her though when she was out or wherever she was and she came home again. This was the thing I was fearful of when she died, that I wouldn't be able to find her, but I'm okay, I know where she is she's with grama and her family, she's out of pain, she's out of that maniac-dementia eaten mind. I just hope the crying feeling and the feeling of being in suspended animation and shock kind of subsides so I can go back to work without resembling a wet rag. Sorry to ramble, it just feels so good to get this off my chest. I so appreciate having the outlet.
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I think it can be harder sometimes for those with difficult relationships to lose a parent. Maybe a part of us keeps on hoping that Mom will turn into a perfect, or at least loving, mother, but when she is gone, so is that hope.

Mourning is a strange process. You will laugh and cry when you least expect it.

My mother died when my daughter was three. I told her that grandma had died. She thought for a minute, then said, "Mommy, when you die, will you take a phone with you, so I can still talk to you?" Such a perfect solution.

I find that I speak to my mother every day. That keeps her near me. God bless you.
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Looking up so sorry for your loss..I guess we're never prepared emotional for the loss of a loved one but she has to be happier now..Hugs..
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Lookingup, so sorry for you we never know when someone is going to die so I can understand how shocked you are. Your mums at peace now and was very lucky to have you to care for her. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in the future!
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Lookingup-
I am relieved that you can see it this way. Most that suffer with dementia would not want to live their lives this way. Medical science has done much to extend our lives, but too often the quality is gone and not as we would want it.

As far as playing rummy, I don't think my mom would understand how to play, the only card game she ever play was bridge, and she would have me lost in that. ;)
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Dear gladimhere,
Thank you. No this doesn't sound uncaring at all. Mom was getting where she had no quality of life, her eyes had a film over them - she had caterick surgery years ago, but we were going to take her in on 10/31 to see if they could do some lasik work. So she had trouble reading, didn't track TV/movies too well, didn't enjoy eating, and really didn't even like to talk anymore. What she loved until the end though was playing rummy. I played with her last Wednesday and she always got all the aces. Maybe you should try playing rummy with your mom. Thank you so much for your reply, it's much how I feel as far as the slow decline - it was just so sudden, but I'm thinking "good for you mom, you did what people would opt for if they had a choice". Thanks again.
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My thoughts are with you and your family through this difficult time. My mom suffers from dementia as well, I care for her and see progression of the disease on nearly a daily basis. Occasionally she realizes how her brain is not functioning as it once did. At these times she tells me she does not want to live like this. I hope that something sudden occurs when it is supposed to which would please her, rather than the slow, long decline and take her to a better place.

I apologize if this sounds uncaring, but wanted to present another viewpoint.
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My heart goes out to you. I wish you comfort in the hours and days ahead.
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Looking up,
My condolences, I will keep you and her in my prayers tonight.
Take a deep breath, cry whenit comes, or don't, either way is ok.
Our mom knew you loved her, you were there for her, that is all that counts, let that comfort you. Allow your self to relax, spend some time tending to you, take a walk, chat with a friend or your sisters. Eventualy you will complete your grieving and be in your new reality. I wish you a joyful life.
Regards
L
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I'm so sorry, lookingup. I can tell from what you wrote that your mom's death has come as a great shock to you. That's a normal reaction. I didn't cry either the night I found out my dad died. The tears will come eventually.

Your mom's mind and body are at peace now. Eventually you'll make your peace with her death as well.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Let the tears flow when you can.
Take care of yourself and know that she was happy to have you in her life. She is resting now, and as you said is no longer stressed.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, allow yourself time to feel the feelings and let them flow through you. Then you can take some time to take care of yourself and your new normal. {{Hugs}}
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Thank you so much, getting feedback is releasing the tears which feels a bit better (at least more seemingly normal, but what is normal in this situation, something I've thought about all my life and now it is right here). Mildrednewark - my mom's name was Mildred. Mildred Marcella and this is so surreal. Thanks again.
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While you are going over all of this in your mind, please remember how lucky your mum was to have you in her life. She is at peace now, hopefully you will find some peace for yourself as well. I wish you all the very best. Xo
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lookingup, I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself and your sisters over the next few weeks. I hope that all of you can pull together and comfort each other. I know that everyone will be in shock, since your mother had been so alive.
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Lookingup, I am very sorry for your loss. No matter what the relationship, death is final and a shock. Please be kind to yourself and allow your feelings to flow no matter what they are. Praying for peace! Hugs!
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Please accept my sympathy for your loss.
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Try real hard not to be too sad she is in a better place. You will mend day by day. Think of her lovingly. It is very to lose our moms but we will get better.
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