I am trying to convince my mom with dementia to go to assisted living but she keeps forgetting our discussions and changing her mind.

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Mom is constantly changing her mind or forgetting about the plan. She is not safe to stay alone another winter. We are starting companion services this week for 8 hours a week. I am her main caregiver as well as caregiver for my husband who is oxygen dependant. I work full time as a home health nurse. My family is supportive but all live out of state and are unable to help with day to day care. I am so overwhelmed.


Does she listen to her doctor? My mother will listen to her doctor and remember what he says to her, something with authority figure, who knows, thing of her generation, priests, doctors. What they say is sacrosanct apparently and no matter how bad she acts, is or pretends, she remembers what they say. Maybe they can have a word with her. Perhaps also take her to the place and show her around.
God bless you, Iowabarb. Sending prayers, hugs, and empathy - but looking for others' suggestions to your dilemma as I am experiencing the same issue in mom not recalling any of our discussions or her understanding of/agreement to plans (at this point, just for bringing in companion assistance).
Your mom's behavior is a clear sign that she isn't capable of helping with the plans for her move.

Call the AL's in your area. Find a couple that are within your mom's budget, offer the right services and are close enough to you to be convenient. Then, if there's a choice to be made, take your mom to visit two of them. Let her pick if that process won't be too upsetting.

It would be good to go on the tours with a sibling so you're not the only one choosing in the event that mom hates the AL "that Barb picked".

In your profession, you're in a good position to judge the care. Be sure to sit down with the director of nursing and have a frank discussion to make sure your mom will be able to stay there as her dementia progresses.
I am having the same problem. My Mother will talk about assisted living, we do a tour, set up an overnight visit and she backs out at the last minute. This has happened 3 times and I am so over it. I know that she forgets, or has mood changes but I feel like a puppet at times. We live together and I desperately want her to go to assisted living because I am unable to do this for much longer. My plan is that I have told the family members I will be here thru the remainder of the year but then it is assisted living time. We will need to sell her house to make sure that she have enough income to pay for the assisted living because it is not free nor is it inexpensive. I think that the family was hoping that I would live here until she passed and then we could split the house. NO....I have decided that she and I would be better if she was in assisted living so that is the way it is going to be. She will forget so we have to be her memory and just do it for her. My heart goes out to you - I know how difficult it is and how you can get burned out. It is hard for me to be the "mother" to my own mother but that is how it seems to turn out if you live long enough.
I would suggest making yourself power of attorney at least in the area of her medical decisions. This will make things easier when any decisions have to be made when talking with her doctor, hospitals, assisted living arrangements, etc. Go ahead and take the steps to find an assisted living because just finding one could take a while. Sometimes less discussion with our elderly loved ones, the better. Just stick to simple everyday issues, the less I discussed- the better. They do not need to be burdened with issues we now need to take in hand. I know we would like their input and approval but just be strong and do it yourself. P.S. Go visit the assisted living facility first without them, that is so overwhelming for them also. God bless. Stay calm and carry on.

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