My mom is 97 with dementia she doesn't want to go out of the house and feels its my duty to take care of her.

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she has dementia at 97 has been living with my husband and I for two years I have been her caregiver she getting worse she went to the hospital then to a NH for theraphy she was very upset says she has two homes and money well its been two years the money she had 56 thousand has gone on caregivers hospital bills remodling the bathroom for her ect. she owns two homes and tells me to hire a lady to take care of her which means selling a house and getting a lady to come live with us problem now we have to convert another room for the lady and have another person in our home husband has severe back problems and I have park/insons is it wrong to want to have some kind of life with peace she will hate me if I the sold a home and put her in assisted living the dementia is also getting really bad she ends up in the hospital every couple of months am i being selfish to want a life again maybe go some where this is wreaking my relationship I feel angry and sad all the time am I just to selfish to/ want my life back before its gone?


Certainly you are not selfish. And clearly with a husband with back problems and you with Parkinson's you have your own health issues to attend to. With dementia Mother needs more care than you can reasonably provide in your home. Turning your home into a care center because Mother does not want to go to a care center is selfish on her part (though very understanable.)

Mother is going to be distressed if her house is sold so that she can be in ALF or memory care unit. So what if you just don't tell her? This depends on the nature of her dementia and memory loss, but consider telling her that remodeling your home for a full-time caregiver is taking some time, and until that is complete you've found her this wonderful place she can stay while she is waiting. If it helps her to accept the care center and have peace of mind to think it is temporary, why not give her that gift?
Sometimes it is okay to say that it is not going to happen. Opening your home to someone to take care of your mother when you do not want to do that is not something anyone would expect of you. Sometimes people get tunnel vision when they get older, so they have trouble seeing things outside their own self interest. Caregivers have to become their peripheral vision so that everyone involved is taken care of. Maybe you can go look at some AL places and take her to visit one or two she might like. From what you wrote, it sounds like something that would be best for everyone. I hope you are able to work things out with your mother without her becoming too upset. She is 97, so it sounds like selling a house to pay for AL and later perhaps a SNF is a good plan.
I just rethought what I wrote and knew that you would have trouble getting her out of the house to look at the AL places. Perhaps you can plan the trip for a time that you have to take her to the doctor's. It is a difficult situation, I know. 97 is older than some ALFs may want to consider, particularly with her trips to the hospital. Perhaps one that is integrated with a SNF option would be the best option. Then she could have a more seamless move from one to the other if needed.

Another option is to have your mother discharged to a SNF when she goes to the hospital. That will get your foot in the door without major strife if her doctor will agree to it.
There is a reason your mom has 2 homes. What a bonus! Now she has a way to pay for add'l care that is needed due to worsening dementia and fraility. Depending on the extent of her dementia, you may be able to sell one home without her knowing, if you have POA for her. I've seen this kind of tactic referred to as "therapeutic fibbing" on this very website. I had 2 demented parents for several years, and believe me, it became necessary. Now my dad has died, and there's just Mom. They have been living in independent, then assisted living, and ultimately in Memory Care. With your own health problems, you need a break. I'm sure in her right mind, your mother wouldn't want to burden you, with the health problems that you and your husband have. I lucked out, in that once I started taking my parents to see the AL places, they couldn't wait to move in. It looked like resort living to them. Of course, that attitude changed once the "honeymoon" period was over, but it was a done deal then. And better for them. Safer, too. Try to find something close to your house, so less driving for you to visit her. It's tough. We just live too long sometimes. I'm not saying that to be mean. It's the truth. If you do not have POA for her, get it as soon as you can, before she gets too demented to be deemed of sound mind. It makes things so much easier.

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