Mom cries at night and says she wants to die. I know she's depressed, but so am I.
Its hard for me to be there for her when I'm also depressed and would rather do nothing all day but let the world go by. Sometimes, I only have enough energy to do housework and keep mom clean, fed, and in clean clothing. She needs almost 100% physical assistance (she can feed herself). Mom is 85, and I'm 55. I'm her sole caregiver and have been doing this for almost ten years. I'm an only "child," and we only have one relative that visits us about two or three times a month, usually at my request. I don't get respite. I'm paid to work with mom through an agency for 40 hours a week. My boss always says she'll find respite for me, but she never comes through. There are no friends or relatives that offer to help. I am able to get out for an hour or two at a time on days when mom is healthy enough to be left alone. Usually I do groceries or go to a few stores --- or once in a great while, I'll go to a movie. We pool her social security and my wages together to get by. I can't afford to get counseling, and mom doesn't want it for herself. She is in the moderate stages of dementia, to the point that her short term memory is almost non-existent, and she's starting to mix up her long term memories, now. What she doesn't remember, she fills in with pieces of other memories. Its hard for us to converse. She has muscular dystrophy and can't walk. She either sits/sleeps in an electric lift recliner, or in her hospital bed. I can't get her interested in anything. She says her life has no purpose. I can't give her life purpose. She lives with me in my home. I have no husband or children. She used to like to get in her wheelchair and work with me around the house, doing small, easy tasks like folding clothes, arranging shelves, helping me with recipes -- and we used to play dominoes. She's forgotten how to play, so we play by her rules. I'm not helping her at all these days, because I'm selfish and don't like to play games, and I often don't interact with her much because of my depression and having to keep the house kept up, dress her, bathe her, and all of that -- and I get tired. My health isn't the best; I also have inherited the muscular dystrophy and my muscles are getting slowly weaker. I'm not writing this because I want sympathy -- I just feel really bad that I don't have the energy or inclination to keep her entertained. We don't like the same things. She also can't watch much t.v. anymore, because she can't keep up with the captions -- so there's about 90% of the channels gone. I try to explain to her what's going on in a movie or show, but she eventually gets frustrated and wants to shut the t.v. off. Television was one of favorite pass-times. Now most of her days are spent sleeping, or just sitting there, not wanting to do anything, either. Yesterday, she offered to separate coins for me, so we could put them in rolls (she can do that). She started and then decided to throw them back in the coin bank. I was about to sit with her and work together. I feel responsible for her wanting to die. I lose my patience with her on occasion, and that doesn't help. There are no adult day care centers in our area, and she wouldn't go, anyway. She doesn't really like people and she's mean to them on the phone. Her dementia has made her this way. She has nothing good to say about anyone, and I've had to do a lot of apologizing on her behalf. Now winter is here and she can't go out. I guess I'm just venting and should have put this in the discussion section. Forgive me for rambling. I don't want to die; I'm just generally depressed. No worries about me. Please be kind with your responses. Sarcasm and snappy answers won't help. I know that we are the only ones who ultimately must get ourselves out of this, but I'm just venting. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option, unless she gets so bad that she asks for it. I promised her that I'd never put her in one. Thanks.