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APS & the FED bankers got involved, Help? I am my mother's middle child and have a special closeness with her. She met a man after divorcing our father and we began to worry from the very start. She was living in a beautiful home in Newport Beach and he was living on a friend's boat. So she moved him into her home! They are heavy drinkers and everyday was a party day because no one had to work. My father was very generous with my mom when they got divorced. And it made her a perfect target for some scumbag looking for a meal ticket. My mom is very naive and my dad did everything for her. She is now 79 years old and her mental capacity is rapidly declining. My sister, brother, 3 aunts and one uncle have all seen her physically in person and agreed that my mom is not doing well. But nobody really knows what to do. My mom takes a lot of prescription medication, drinks daily, has fallen several times and has some diminished mental capacity. So it's hard to determine why she can't remember anything and acts completely confused when we talk about her finances. My best guess is that if we could wean her off these meds, stop drinking and then do and evaluation she would be in much better shape than she is in right now. Of course, I would need her cooperation to do this and she refuses to. Assuming her mental capacity diminishes even further and faster then I need to get a copy of her most recent trust, will, advanced healthcare directive and POA. I tried to get social services involved the last go around and they paid mom a visit but she had calmed down by then and her husband put the fear of God into her to keep her month shut. The Banks filed SAR's (suspicious activity reports) and I thought I would hear something there. But we are at our wit's end. Bottom line: I've been told that without my mom's cooperation there is not much we can do. Last resort is involuntary conservatorship and going through the courts to gain control over her health and finances. I soooooo don't want to do it.

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Okay, doing my best to understand the facts here. First thing, that caught my eye was: most recent trust. Second thing I heard was involuntary conservatorship potential. These seem to contradict themselves because a trust is designed to protect assets, even real estate from probate, and follow's trust documents, etc. When and if trust is in place, guardianship can have to be pursued because, if the trust if includes/drafted that way that either in death or incapacitated, the primary co-trustee has fiduciary responsibility to protect trust assets, assuming all assets aligned to trust, which can easily get overlooked after you think you are already got all of it done. Even with a trust, guardianship can have to be pursued to protect a parent from exploitation of elderly or owner/grantor of trust being able to manage their own healthcare and finances. I think most attorneys would advise approaching both of these in unison is the right approach. It just depends on legal documents that are in place and assets that are not covered and it just gets complicated quickly when others are asking or claiming that they are providing full caregiving or have a special need.

This is such the dilemma of caregiving. At what point, does the family come to terms that all financial sources/assets be used for the aging parent versus the aging parent paying for others, even family members, that allegedly are providing the best current caregiving option for now.

Financial adviser is a great place to start, and not just one that is word-of-mouth i.e. my friend uses this one. I really think sometimes talking to a brand new person of your choice offers the best clarity to put all issues on the table, but best thing to do, imho, assess as much as possible, the sources of income, asset value, real estate assets value, other savings, retirement accounts, insurance policies. It is time-consuming, but research first and get 90% of what you think, including facts like last legal document updated 10 years or 1 year ago, it was a will, or it was a trust. Facts first, then action second: financial adviser, and then your journey begins.

Being proactive and have perseverance are the main attributes, and even after years of being organized you might find more that need to be done financially or based on health choices. Obviously, lowest cost, best care are the greatest ideas. Engage, and good luck!
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Look, the real question here is, Is there enough money to take care of mom if she needs Memory Care or NH home care for several years?

Mom's money is there to take care of mom.

If stepdad is siphoning off funds and that means that mom is going to have to go to a non luxurious facility paid for by Medicaid, then maybe that's the information you should be pitching to her. NOT that she needs to "preserve her etate" for her heirs
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I am very happy that you responded!! At this point I have been so overwhelmed with anger, frustration and sadness that I've almost given up......but not yet. I just spoke with my mother and she said she called her estate planning attorney and gave him permission to speak freely with me and give me all current estate planning documents. I forgot to mention that I have been involved in her "trust" documents for years at HER request.   She has a Trust, Will, Advanced Healthcare Directive and Durable Power of Attorney.  Forget going on and on about this.....bottom line: her husband constantly rants and raves about her finances and her ungrateful children and grandchildren (not quite sure because she has never given any of us any money).  But the day to day beat down still continues and I believe she would rather live with that than get divorced and face the music.  Besides an involuntary conservatorship I think we are at a standstill.  I'm so sad and love my mama sooooooo much.
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I am very happy that you responded!! At this point I have been so overwhelmed with anger, frustration and sadness that I've almost given up......but not yet. I just spoke with my mother and she said she called her estate planning attorney and gave him permission to speak freely with me and give me all current estate planning documents. I forgot to mention that I have been involved in her "trust" documents for years. She has a Truct, Will, Advanced h
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This is very sad. But, if mom has not been declared incompetent, she's an adult and can make her own decisions, right?

Is there any person in her life that she trusts? Your dad? A minister or priest? Her lawyer, or her financial advisor?

I'm wondering if you were to engage a financial planner (fee for service NOT commission based, and rock solid honest and recommended by someone), or, an eldercare attorney, if she doesn't have an attorney, would she listen to advice from someone like that? In the presence of her husband of course; someone who has been clued in to what is going on?

Someone with a background in forensic accounting perhaps?
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