My mom is so angry. She's nice less and less, and I feel like a jerk. Her memory is really bad.
I'm living in my mom's house, and stayed here when I had boyfriend problems, and it's turned into me being the caregiver. I haven't been able to see my boyfriend in a year, as he's taking care of our pets and can't leave either. I've just started to add shelving units to be able to better maintain this house. I'm messy and she hates that, so I'm adding shelves to try to be neater, as I'm the only one cleaning, or doing anything for that matter. However, there is always hell to pay for every change. It all has to be her way. She plays devil's advocate, is always oppositional and is a perfectionist, and it's never good enough. I can't stay calm, I yell and walk away, and all I can think is that I'm the bad one. I'm stupid, weak, rotten and selfish to get upset with her. See, she's been there for me when things got hard for me, why can't I be a good person? I don't know what to do. She won't go to the doctor, take any medicine and says I hurt her with my attitude. She says she can live alone, and even told me to move out the other day. She says she wants to die. I myself fear I am going to die from the guilt of not doing a better job in this. Interestingly enough, neither of my siblings call to see how I'm doing. Neither has said thank you. I am so lost, I liken it to being sometimes locked in a room with no doors or windows. I'm sure my frustration shows through, and I don't want to get angry. I never hurt her, of course!! I just want to do better but her sadness and anger are soul-crushing. But she's been there for me with my depression. I, however, am going to counseling and I take medicine. I made plans with my dad when I was a kid and he died before they happened. All my plans since then seem like that. I'm afraid to look forward to anything as a jinx. I am looking forward to a decent future with my boyfriend and I'm terrified that means it won't happen. I guess I needed to vent, huh?