My mother abused me and I am the only child. She will give no POA's and is very nasty.

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I have no idea what to do...i have a stress condition and depression myself from the abuse, abandonment and neglect from childhood. Now she is 86 and losing cognition. I am trying to be helpful, but she lies, manipulates, threatens, and verbally abuses both me and my husband. She will not even give me keys to her home much less any poa. She is being fleeced by all her "new friends" PLEASE help me. I cannot take it.

18 Comments

When she becomes incompitent I believe you can approach the court for legal guardianship. Good luck and lots of hugs to you!
chriskrys, could you tell us a bit more? Are you taking care of your mother or is she refusing your help? With such a history behind you, are you sure you want to be involved with your mother as a caregiver? If not, it is totally okay to arrange for her care in other ways. There are many options. Until she is deemed incompetent, she has the legal right to direct her life, even if it is not what we would choose for her. All you can do at this point is to take it a day at a time. Please let us know a little more about what you want to do and other people may have some suggestions for you.
i dont Want to be her caregiver. i would be delighted to never see her again. i do not deserve this TWICE. i dont want her money, i dont want to sue her, i think that it is a bad idea, but nevertheless, i am the only child......
Sooner or later someone is going to Make me be her caregiver, right? i have no money and she is spending hers, so do i have to be the caregiver? She Hates me. i have no wish for her to be miserable, but i cant do this.
Also you may want to talk with her Doctor about her condition.
I think that you have a legitimate question. I am waiting to see what the answer is. It appears to me that there is a house and car and stuff that you would be responsible for, upon her death. Let alone, the expense of burial.
No, you have no legal, and in my opinion, no moral obligations to the this person. If you never want to see her again, make it happen.

Do not accept POA for this woman. Certainly do not attempt to become her guardian. She hates you? You do not have to go so far as to hate her back. In fact, I hope you don't -- that take too much emotional energy. Her "friends" are fleecing her? You don't want her money anyway, so it is no issue for you to worry about. Since she hates you, the kindest thing you can do for her is to stay out of her life, and that will be the best thing for you, too.

Should you at some point down the road get a call from a social worker saying your mother is destitute and needs help explain that you are estranged from her and are not interested in getting involved.

There is a very long thread on here about one daughter's successful struggle to get free of her abusive mother. It is called "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." She had to go through the legal process of evicting her mother and had to refuse again and again the attempts of well-meaning (?) social workers to work a reconciliation, and it hasn't been easy, but she has been successful. The poster is a compassionate person and is now dealing with her ill and beloved in-laws.

Put your energies where they will do some good. It is very, very sad that you did not have a kind and nurturing mother than every child deserves. You couldn't get away from it as a child, but you can now.
Call your local senior services department, explain the situation and ask for a pro bono elder lawyer who can help you sort out this mess. I truly don't think you have to be her caregiver. You might even call Adult Protective Services and ask for a wellness check and get whatever advice they have to offer. Please be completely honest with them for your own wellbeing.

God bless and good luck! I am so saddened that you have been placed in such a positiion.
Jeanne is so right. Do NOT do anything you are not comfortable with. You are not legally obligated to do anything. As her only heir, if she doesn't have a will, you may get stuck with what little she has. My father went through this exactly with his own deadbeat father. Use what assets she has to bury her and pay what debts you can. Let the rest go. It will not affect your credit. For example, if she has a car loan, unless you co-signed on the loan, you have no obligations. Let the lender know where to pick the car up. If people are fleecing her now, I wouldn't lose alot of sleep over it. Report it to Adult Protective Services if that makes you feel better, but make sure you are taking on no responsibility. You survived an abusive childhood. You must be a very strong person. Do not put yourself back in what will undoubtedly be an abusive situation.
Amen to what Jeanne and MyWitsEnd wrote. You do not have to be a caregiver in the US. You are not responsible for your parents' debts. There are certain filial responsibility states in the US where nursing homes can seek payment from the children. From what I've heard, these payments are rarely enforced. You may want to check to see if you live in a filial responsibility state. If you don't, then don't worry. And even if you do, don't worry. From what I've heard, pressure on the children to pay is rarely done and usually not enforced.

Sometimes I wish that adult children of families from hell could divorce their parents. I remember one case where a child did divorce his parents. Under many circumstance I understand completely.

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