Mom is 77 and something is wrong. I need advice.

Started by

Mom stated on my BD t hat she hates, wants me dead wants to kill me etc etc. I started trying t get her tested for alchzmers or dementia. i make an appt she refuses was always a reason. her behavior has gotten worse over the last year. last week i caught her putting her evening meds in my gall of kool aid. me stomach had swollen i was to the point i couldn't drive &was peeing brown. Yes when i caught her i yelled at her is freaked me out. next morning she gets up sits down gets back up after the coffee was boiling got a cup and threw it on me burning my chest, not badly but it was red. well i lost it again we went in the liv rm. i tried talking and she reached down in the side of her recliner and i thought she was going for her chefs knife... i jumped up restrained her. before i could get her strained she clawed my chest, punched me in the lung, & kicked me in my vagina. She had spent t he day explaining how it was ok my dad had slapped me down a table at 2 and her ex husband had molested me at 14 and she left me with him to fly to Denver,,, after all we do what we have to do to survive. etc etc. even reminded me how she would tie me to the bed. Things i never wanted my son to know abt her or me. He is mentally ill and i keep a lot abt my family hidden to him. I know this sounds crazy but i lived it all this last week and it was painful. So after that she jumps up says want to take a bath. which kinda shocked me.. so i followed her in there and she was trying to take a face down header into my tub and not use all the rails installed ard it. so i grab her again and she starts screaming to my son i was drowning her. i wasn't there wasnt but an inch of water int he tub. she sits there for a min and i go get her robe and panties hand them to her she dresses a nd says she cant snap up the robe. well i try to snap it and she is wiggling backwards and reaches up starts hitting herself int he eye screaming my sons name i was punching her he was there said no nana you are doing that finally i don't know how we all got out of there & she went to bed. next morn she says cat ate an 18in piece of plastic & left to go to vet. gets back a couple hours later says vet sending her to another town. we live in rural Okla. well at 1:45 i find out phone off the hook had my son check the phones and she has the one in her room off the hook. I call vet get inst. go out check her cars oil and etc because that place is at 1.5 hrs away and nothing between here & there. she throws the cat in the car and herself starts the car and it cant start i have the cap of teh oil to add oil and the dip sticks out. she jumps out runs 1/2 block away to the neighbor screaming elder abuse & call the sheriff. Well she comes back gets in her car drives back to the neighbor waits 2 hrs for the sheriff who talks to her comes over talks to me says yeah mom is changed something wrong call APS on Monday. in meantime she leaves he says she is getting a hotel in town & we have a nite off and leaves. 6AM i fond mom wondering my house the following morning seems she says the sheriff told her to sleep in my driveway... sighs. well i get the cat call the vet in a closer town get mom and my son into her car we drive there get the meds her cat needs and then over to another town to get her meds filled.. she was out well we get there send my son in with m CC and she leans over punchs me in the breast jumps outta the car and runs in there screaming elder abuse. Well the cop in that town was a complete jerk told me off the record i was a big ole girl and prolyl did t hat adn if anything else happens i was going to jail. refused to look at the burns, bruises and etc... cause she is old and i am a large fat woman i was in tears.felt liek i was in the movie deliverance. We get back home and guess what we drive up i go to my room and she calls the sheriff ...elder abuse again... well the neighbor calls APS and they get her.. since they got her last sat s he has been back to town talking to my neighbors in a town 40-50 people i am humiliated as i do not socialize with a lot here. she is now calling me wanting to come home crying and things.. but she has always been mean and manipulative and off the chart i thought people got old and calmed down not meaner. and i am scared of her and i am terrified i will loose my son over this or end up in jail because she is an excellent liar & actress. She is not frail she is acting. what do i do i am scared to death for her .. my son and myself. I am not a mean person i am just tired of all this and i can not take it anymore, she is destroying my life.


I am sorry this is a book.. but i am scared and worried for her and m y son.. and i am finally unsure what to do or where to turn and i am unsure i want to be a caregiver to a person who is doing this for me
You are unsure you want to be a caregiver to a person who is doing this to you? My gawd, woman, you should be absolutely sure that you DON'T want to be her caregiver!

Your profile says that she is living in your home. Do NOT allow her back. You do not deserve this continuing abuse, and you should protect your son from this disaster.

Have you talked to APS? Tell them that you can no longer take any responsibility for your mother's care. She cannot return to your home. You hope that they can arrange something for her, but you must look after your son.
ummm when she cried tonite on the phone it made my heart hurt for her... i know it shouldn;t but it did. my brothers are done with her for what she did to them growing up and i am trying hard to keep her from being alone and no one to love her. I know this is stupid but it is struggle that is so hard. As for APS they are talking to no one esp me remember i am being accused of hurting her and i didn't do a thing.. but i still think this has to be an illness. I can not believe a mom can be like this .. I know i can not be liek this with my son because i just love him . They keep telling her according to Amy that she can not talk to me or be in my house or on my land. I guess the problem is this i know who and what she is but i still love her.. but i am scared of her and my son misses his nana. i feel like i am caught under a roof that is collapsing on my head and i do not know where to run. Actually i am unsure i can run i am nto sure what i can do but pray and honestly i don't think they are being heard. I have had several old timers here in town call me tel me to sell my place or abandon it and get outta town.. i cant i own th is place it is paid for... i have had a few drive by shake their fist at me a dn one even spit in my yard.. it has beenm bad but this is small town america and after all i am city woman adn fat to boot. i have only had the place for a few eyars now like 4.. plus i didnt go to church Sunday because i was just not in the mood to smile for this town and know what they thought of me even tho it is not true. I guess it gets me no one has said "Lisa how are you , are you ok."... and honestly i need it because no i am not ok not at all.. my apologies if i offended you with my book...i just don't know where to go anymore and i thought maybe here mite help
Call the Area Agency of Aging in your county or city request a social worker to intervene. They can do assessment on your mother and make suggestions on her care. Next time your mother becomes aggressive call 911, then leave the house and wait outside. Do do not try to calm your mother or talk to her wait for the police. There should be something in your area that handles people who are aggressive due to mental illness or dementia so they can be evaluated and the right medications prescribed to handle them.This does not mean you have failed in any way what so ever. Your mother either has a mental illness or dementia or both and you need help to protect yourself and your son from serious injury as well as protecting your mother from hurting herself and others.Do not hesitate to make a 911 call...and as I said, do not talk further with your mother, just make the call and get yourself and your son out of the house until help arrives. The more you talk with her or try to reason with her the more difficult she will become. You can tell the social worker you do not responsibility of caring for her and they can help you. Like I said, it does not mean you have failed or done anything wrong, when dealing with aggression, mental illness or aggressive dementia patients, you must act quickly to protect everyone who is involved. I hope this helps and my heart goes out to you as I know how difficult this must be. Hugs to you and keep us posted!!
before i forget Oklahoma has a law that if a person lives with you over i think 6 months receive mail at your address you can not kick them out and can be held liable for their debts .. that cop in Mtn View said if i tried any of this to get her out he would drive over here with the sheriffs permission and handcuff me put me in jail adn take my son. So i am locked in ... ican not move her out at all and i called an atty and they said a minimum of 10 grand to help me... i do not have t hat kind of money. I have spent the last 4-5 years not working and taking care of her and my son. My son after all these years is showing grand improvement because i am with him guilding him 24-7 and he will never be normal but he is not in a corner drooling all over hisself all day every day either now he actually has an opinion .. he is a great kid love him to death
Sharynmarie... she is with APS now they just let her drive all over the place i think she is abt 2 hrs or 3 from here..... rural Oklahoma is not like living in a town or city we do not have local places for help.. the girl across the street amy is a social worker and she said i can not even talk to you any more it is a conflict of interest. honestly mom should nto even be driving at all she is on and off the side of the roads and all but you can drive 20 mins here maybe see a truck or car that's abt it it really is rural we raise wheat and cattle not towns and people
The first consultation with an attorney is generally no charge. I suggest you seek the advice of an elder law attorney who specializes in the care of elder law. They may just be threatening you based on their own beliefs about caring for elderly family members. Do take action ASAP to protect yourself...get informed, search the internet for info do not rely on what others tell you! Talk with your mother's dr, do you have DPOA, I don't know Oklahoma's laws but if you can have your mother taken to a hospital ER, you should be able to insist on a social worker to intervene!! Tell the social worker you do want or accept responsibility and why...stand your ground because they will try to make you responsible because you are I said, gather information so you are informed on your rights. Do not accept what they try to say because they will make you responsible if you are willing to back down and accept what they tell you.
plus i forgot to mention she own 8 high breed Siamese cats she here .. i was warned if i dispose of them i will be held legally responsible i can not afford a 200 a month feed and litter bill not to say the vet bills..... she spends her money on her babies and i take care of the rest which is go big deal but i can not afford her cats either. I know this all sounds crazy but this is my life. well what my life has become in 4 years
i did and it was free and he said what it will cost to make it all stop. In Oklahoma if a person refuses medical help that's just that ...i have tried it al ready and she refused to get in the ambulance and they left.. you can not force medical care in Oklahoma.. This state is completely backwards. i do not have a medical POW. right now i honestly think they are building a case against me and my only witness to it all is my son. and the atty said that when it happens i will need help... after all this mess i kinda believe it.
I would still contact the Area Agency of Aging in Your county...they should be able to help you. Of course you can not do that until Monday, take some deep breaths and try to calm yourself. What county do you live in???

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support