Mom is 77 and something is wrong. I need advice.

Follow
Share

Mom stated on my BD t hat she hates, wants me dead wants to kill me etc etc. I started trying t get her tested for alchzmers or dementia. i make an appt she refuses was always a reason. her behavior has gotten worse over the last year. last week i caught her putting her evening meds in my gall of kool aid. me stomach had swollen i was to the point i couldn't drive &was peeing brown. Yes when i caught her i yelled at her is freaked me out. next morning she gets up sits down gets back up after the coffee was boiling got a cup and threw it on me burning my chest, not badly but it was red. well i lost it again we went in the liv rm. i tried talking and she reached down in the side of her recliner and i thought she was going for her chefs knife... i jumped up restrained her. before i could get her strained she clawed my chest, punched me in the lung, & kicked me in my vagina. She had spent t he day explaining how it was ok my dad had slapped me down a table at 2 and her ex husband had molested me at 14 and she left me with him to fly to Denver,,, after all we do what we have to do to survive. etc etc. even reminded me how she would tie me to the bed. Things i never wanted my son to know abt her or me. He is mentally ill and i keep a lot abt my family hidden to him. I know this sounds crazy but i lived it all this last week and it was painful. So after that she jumps up says want to take a bath. which kinda shocked me.. so i followed her in there and she was trying to take a face down header into my tub and not use all the rails installed ard it. so i grab her again and she starts screaming to my son i was drowning her. i wasn't there wasnt but an inch of water int he tub. she sits there for a min and i go get her robe and panties hand them to her she dresses a nd says she cant snap up the robe. well i try to snap it and she is wiggling backwards and reaches up starts hitting herself int he eye screaming my sons name i was punching her he was there said no nana you are doing that finally i don't know how we all got out of there & she went to bed. next morn she says cat ate an 18in piece of plastic & left to go to vet. gets back a couple hours later says vet sending her to another town. we live in rural Okla. well at 1:45 i find out phone off the hook had my son check the phones and she has the one in her room off the hook. I call vet get inst. go out check her cars oil and etc because that place is at 1.5 hrs away and nothing between here & there. she throws the cat in the car and herself starts the car and it cant start i have the cap of teh oil to add oil and the dip sticks out. she jumps out runs 1/2 block away to the neighbor screaming elder abuse & call the sheriff. Well she comes back gets in her car drives back to the neighbor waits 2 hrs for the sheriff who talks to her comes over talks to me says yeah mom is changed something wrong call APS on Monday. in meantime she leaves he says she is getting a hotel in town & we have a nite off and leaves. 6AM i fond mom wondering my house the following morning seems she says the sheriff told her to sleep in my driveway... sighs. well i get the cat call the vet in a closer town get mom and my son into her car we drive there get the meds her cat needs and then over to another town to get her meds filled.. she was out well we get there send my son in with m CC and she leans over punchs me in the breast jumps outta the car and runs in there screaming elder abuse. Well the cop in that town was a complete jerk told me off the record i was a big ole girl and prolyl did t hat adn if anything else happens i was going to jail. refused to look at the burns, bruises and etc... cause she is old and i am a large fat woman i was in tears.felt liek i was in the movie deliverance. We get back home and guess what we drive up i go to my room and she calls the sheriff ...elder abuse again... well the neighbor calls APS and they get her.. since they got her last sat s he has been back to town talking to my neighbors in a town 40-50 people i am humiliated as i do not socialize with a lot here. she is now calling me wanting to come home crying and things.. but she has always been mean and manipulative and off the chart i thought people got old and calmed down not meaner. and i am scared of her and i am terrified i will loose my son over this or end up in jail because she is an excellent liar & actress. She is not frail she is acting. what do i do i am scared to death for her .. my son and myself. I am not a mean person i am just tired of all this and i can not take it anymore, she is destroying my life.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
33

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4
Lisa~you did the right thing even though it was hard to do. I am so proud you stood up for yourself and your son!!! Just remember your mom may be mentally ill but she knows how to manipulate you. In order for you to get help for your mother you must stand strong against her. It is hard for you to do it but you have started the process...Congratulations on that!!! WE are with you and you are worth it as well as your son!! Keep us posted and we will support you♥!
(1)
Report

I'm proud of you, too! You rock!

Stay strong. This isn't going to be the end of the matter, but now you know you can do it!
(1)
Report

well here is an update. Mom called tonight from where ever she is and wants to come home. She has not had the Alchzimers nor Dementia test run. She said she would acquiesce just to come home. So i quickly looked the word up and it meant to agree with some reluctance. Well that told me ut o0o0oh. So i laid down the rules test first adult protective service counselor therapist etc etc before she comes home. She says well ok but i want you to admit to strangeling me, trying to drown me etc etc. Well i was outraged first off i did not do that to begin with and 11 days later we are still there.. I said no mom i will not admit to somethingi never did you know this is not true adn i refuse to say that . well she got mad threatened me that s he was moving and etc etc. So i said ok Mom you do what you want but i will not allow this mess back into my house. I am sorry but i love you and this is a dance i refuse to finish with you. My life has calmed down and things here are great and i can not continue watching your destructive behavior. So for once the first time in my life i choose me and my son and i am sorry i can not help her but i do not have the tools and skills to help. She was upset and hung up the phone.
However i am proud of me i finally after 56 years said no and felt i could live with out her love. I did it... i am so proud of me
(3)
Report

@horserider.. well down here in farmland there isn;t much but you are right... bad advice now i am doubting a lot of all that has been said to me. I hope Mom letws it blow over i know it is completely over for me.. i am just done with her and I can no longer be her caretaker.... yes i feel bad but when i see my son saying wow Mom we can play music and no one is yelling at us i realize I am doing the right thing. Altho i think I am not so fond of his but i do listen to it also as he does mine cause we have lost music for 6 years now. trivial stuff but important op us. As for the big ole fat girl that w as said to my face by a cop "off the record" in Mtn View. the city girl is cause i am .. i moved here for my son i didn't think coming from t he city was a big deal but it is it took me over a year to get internet here. People are hard to change. I started a couple days ago just going shopping in town not the market yet ... did yard work 2 days in a row adn i am trying to resume normal.. altho it is hard i am out there what is the worse they can really do to me... talk that is it.. what is the old saying... sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. My son was at the post office and the girl there started questioning him and he told her.. sorry i am not involved and my mom is a great mom never hurt a soul and he left now he was shook up but he has made it as clear as i have we do not want to relive this. I did go to city hall made it clear i would NOT be selling my home or land. So t hey need to grow up get over it and we can all live happily. This morning we are going to services and let them talk they are just words nothing more. I tried to do the right things and i failed but ya know... i love living in the country and i love my son and myself i am starting to love again ... so i am crossing my fingers. thank you again for sticking thru this with me
(0)
Report

@Shary// thank you i thought no one grew up as dysfunctional as us. I don' t mean it bad it brought tears to my eyes and heart for you but it made me see there is a way to deal with all this. She is out she just keeps coming back to town. We are headed back to church today not Sunday school. i do not know what i would have done without your note this morning my now new since of paranoia over facing the town again is over. i really honestly thank you for sharing and this evening i will read i t all.. it isn't like i an taking care of her she is in a place somewhere in Oklahoma.. prolly Lawton.. i don't know. Honestly i don't care the FOG was neat that is how i feel and i am tired of looking for what is not there for her i have tried for 6 years now and this is the result,,, police, my good name . my son and i do not feel safe and i just can not do this to us much less to me.
(0)
Report

It sounds like you are getting a lot of bad advice locally, and a lot of folks trying to panic you. Hopefully there is free legal aide for low-income somewhere. I think the old-timers are right, and it will blow over if you let it.
The whole "I'm a fat city girl" thing only makes you a victim if you let it. Quit worrying about what people MIGHT think about you. Go back to church, resume your normal routine. Maybe call the pastor and ask for counseling (some pastors are amazing, some don't have that gift). Avoid saying bad things about your mother if you can. If asked you can truthfully say that you are trying to get help for her. If asked why you won't let her move back in you can honestly say that you are afraid for the safety of your son (avoid the temptation to splash around the lurid details, since that just keeps the gossip mill running). If people are looking for an elder-abusing lunatic they'll have a hard time looking at you (clean, presentable, polite, rational, "normal" mother, going about your normal routine) and matching it up with your Mom's description of you "abusing" her.
(2)
Report

Lisa~I was raised in an abusive household too.I saw my mom pick up bowls of hot food and break them on my father's head. Once she broke a bowl of pickled beets and I did not know if dad was bleeding or if it was the beets.My second oldest brother, mom would back him in a corner and slap the crap out of him and dare him to hit her back...he never did. He did however hit my dad in order to protect mom from dad...mom had us so brainwashed against our father. My brother cries to this day about how he knocked out dad's tooth when mom was the problem not dad. The point I am trying to make is that a person who is mentally ill will poison you against other family members they see as a threat to you being loyal to them, plus they will use fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to get you to do what they want. Then they use a term known as gaslighting that messes up your mind and you think you have the problem not them. You become so attached to them because you are starved for love and affection and can spend your entire lifetime trying to get approval and acceptance from this person...unfortunately it doesn't happen. The good news is that you can learn to detach with love...this does not mean you no longer love them, it means that you can learn to not let their words hurt you. You can learn to set boundaries around your relationship, limit contact with them. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and stand your ground on what you will not accept by walking away from your mother, leaving the house ( with your son), do not talk to her until she can be respectful. Of course, depending on what exactly is wrong with your mother, medication is needed. Just because she is mentally ill, does not mean you have to deal with this because you are her daughter. If you call the Area Agency on Aging and explain to them how your mother behaves and that you want her out of your house, they will arrange for a social worker to come to your home and explain to your mother what her options are and assist her in getting another place to live. Ask them what you can do to protect yourself and son and follow what they tell you until they get your mother out. Also, there is another thread on this site I suggest you read it, it will take you several days because it is quite long but it is worth it especially in your situation. This thread is titled "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore", this thread was created by a woman named Lisa, it tells her journey of getting her mother out of her home. Keep us posted on what happens with you and your son. Your safety is important. Don't worry if you are rambling or not using or spelling words right. Continue to come and vent and cry here. You are worth it and so is your son. Just make that phone call and read the suggested thread, it may very well change your life and your son's as well. Hugs to you!!
(2)
Report

plus i am reading this and i realize i ramble and spell wrong and well proper english i out the window. i am not illiterate but i am at the lowest rung in my life. Thinking and typing thru the tears is almost impossible. But i need to let this pain out because when i leave my room my son can not see an ounce of worry on my face or a tear drop fall. It is really hard.. really hard
(1)
Report

Sharlyn... yes many times before i replied i see a stupid woman who got played and had managed to endanger herself and child for a parent that is using her. The boiling coffee again could have been terrible results... the knife inexcusable t hat it should have even been in the chair to be grabbed at. the bathroom,, the meds in my kool aid,,, i should have been aware and cautious after all she tried salt petering my brothers food and i busted her there and she has a history of assault with a chefs knife since i was a kid.... why did i think her loving me was so important above any thing else. I thought i could make a difference instead i am up to my neck with problems. yes our safety is my primary issue however i can not save my son if she lies and some one thinks i would do this crap. she is playing the ultimate game with my life and i thin with y'alls help i can find a way to put a legal stop to her. I should never have let her live with us my plate is kinda full already as it is and i can never get what i need from her so i need to move on... is a world of professional caregivers to help her it just can not be me any more. btw.. thank you also for you many responses i really am thankful there are so many people like you that will take a moment and help me and give me hope. I guess i am not the only person in the world going thru all this but last nite i felt i was .. thank you again :)
(0)
Report

Jeannie this are the points i am fighting with myself abt.. even if it is a disease i do not think i have that skill set.. working with my son is all i ahve left or m aybe want to have. After all he did nto ask to be born and not with what is wrong with him. Plus he is a gift from God.... my mom on the other hand if it is an illness she attacks me. Lies to me and etc now that she is old. My youth altho we had money and lots of it was horrible.... a gilded cage of torture so as i grew up i decided i wanted nothing if it made me like her. Yes i am stupid i thought when she got old it was finally time i could be the loving daughter and finally earn her love ... some things are just not meant to be adn childhood dreams need to be laid aside and i have to accept this is her. Is she evil yes as a kid she was... now i think she is just that woman i ran from and nothing abt her is different other then she is old. I was working out in the yard and i thought OMG it was all a joke to punish me for the rest of her life..... i was stupid and let it happen. but i would rather be a loving person then this person she is. I found out today a lso there is a whole bunch stuff she did yesterday to me and i didn't realize till i got back in this afternoon. Altho i don't want her back i feel bad she is sick... but what is she is not sick and this is just her??? What if this is my all my life mom and because i am so close to it i have let it happen because i want what is not there. Well i dunno.. but thank you so much for all teh replies and help i sincerely do appreciate it .. i do think i am going to get counseling after all this what is wrong with me to let this happen and trust a person who did all this and t hink i could see her thru her elder years and finally get what i ever wanted.. my moms love... she just used me and has almost destroyed me because i wanted to be and do the right things for her. after ll if she cared wouldn't she have gotten the test find out what is wrong??? isn't that really love???
(0)
Report

1 2 3 4
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions