May I Rant?

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My MIL just told me that her youngest 'MAY' stop by on his way home from a wedding down South. There would be four of them. She does not know where he plans to stay or even IF he plans to stay more than a few hours. She lives in an apt. connected to our home. I AM THE ONE WHO CLEANS FOR HER. Am I the ONLY ONE (my MIL thinks ANYTHING this jerk does is great) who feels his lack of communication is appalling? I feel that just 'showing up' without even a warning is just the rudest. He may show up anytime Sunday - Wednesday. She doesn't know anything until HE CALLS HER again. Even though we have asked him repeatedly to call us also, he does not. I am livid. She has doctor appointments on Tuesday and probably didn't even tell him - even though there is a reminder note on her kitchen cabinet!! She doesn't even remember to check reminder notes - we remind her when it is time to get ready to go.

I guess I am just so completely disgusted with this 'piece of work' called her child that I am about over the edge again and as long as they stay away - I manage pretty well. He has not lifted a finger to do anything for his mother except an occasional hour or two visit in the nearly ten years she has been with us. Yet, he is her little darling and can do no wrong.

For two cents, I would go shopping the day he comes and LOCK our doors. Let him visit with his mother and take her out to eat.

Well, I think I feel better. Sorry for the rant. I haven't been here for a while and then I go and to this. Sorry.

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I'm so glad to hear you've got it in perspective. I'm also glad you posted when you did. I try to appear rational and controlled all the time, and it's not that good for me. Your rant gives us a chance to stroke you, and let you know we care. We all need that.
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Rant away. Who can blame you? x
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OH - the 'near stroke' episode happened some time ago. No more of that! Nope. I went away for two weeks in Aug. 2012 and came back a new woman. New boundaries! New way of thinking (for the most part :0). No more am I on the bottom of the list or absent from the list altogether. I know that if I don't take care of myself - no one else will.

No more will I correspond with someone who does not have the decency to answer. No more will I hang around waiting on him to 'show up' for his little visit that salves his conscience for another year!

We call him Uncle Jerk. That is exactly what he is and I use that term to describe him to his mother - 'kindly' of course. But I do call him a jerk and tell her why. She knows in her heart he is a jerk too - but he is her 'baby.' He can do no wrong. Anyone who calls hears about how successful he is, etc. You'd think he was God's gift to mothers. I told her once she can be thankful to God that HE isn't the one caring for her ............

I told her he is an inconsiderate jerk. Plain and Simple. It just irks me that he continues to do what he continues to do. But, this time I won't be home. :0) No strokes. I had a small flare of anger when she said he 'might' be coming - and did this post. I should have waited 24 hours before posting. I am 'over it' and his visit is 'their' business. Just hope she tells me if/when he is coming so I can be gone. Of course, it is VERY possible that the responses here helped me 'get over it' so quickly. That, and realizing that in the grand scheme of things - what we are dealing with is really not that big a deal. I am 'trying' to think differently - not let him ruin ALL my days. :0)

Hubby says if he shows up Tuesday - too bad. He will have to cool his heals somewhere until they get back from her appointments. There is NO WAY he is cancelling them or rescheduling them. She is leaving for AZ to visit her sister soon and we have to cover all her bases first and there is only so much time.

Sorry for that rant - but once in a while I do that. :0(
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OC, I feel so badly for you. Honest to God, I'd get a divorce before I'd take on any man's mother. That's the deal breaker from hell for me. Maybe it's time to think about alternate arrangements. YOU could end up keeling over before SHE does from all this stress and mess. Have you considered it?
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Oldcodger, I worry about you almost having a stroke! You are letting this jerk live inside your brain. I wish you could shrink him down into the useless little twerp he is. Your children have been raised to have good values, so you have no reason to fell "less than" to him. His kids probably don't like him much either!

How could you get him to bother you less? Could you write him a nasty letter that you will never send, just to get the thoughts out of your mind? And make a voodoo doll of him and stick pins in it? Make a ceremony of burning the doll and the letter, to put him out of your life forever.

A more mature and traditional approach would be to get some therapy, but voodoo dolls are more fun.

His name will turn up from time to time, but to quote that song, "Now he's just somebody that I used to know." He will continue to be subhuman slime, but you will no longer care, except very briefly. (I wish that would work!)
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Oldcodger2, I've just had a complete change of heart. I wouldn't go out on the Tuesday. I would sit in wait by the front door, ideally stroking a Persian cat, and ask - civilly, indeed, the perfect approach - if I could "have a word."

Honoré de Balzac wrote a novel on exactly this theme called "The Black Sheep." I wouldn't say it has a happy ending but it's certainly gratifying for us caregivers. I don't know if it's a comfort or not to know that this kind of selfish brat has been with us down the centuries…
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Yes, he has done that too. He has come for a week's respite and left her the day after we went on our trip. Kids called us to tell us he was 'gone' and she was home alone and at THAT time, had been recently hospitalized, was on pain killers for sciatica and steroids that made her glucose levels run in the 300's and she should NOT have been home alone. She told him 'I'm ok' and he left her and went to Las Vegas - had no intention of staying with her while we were gone. So, after 3 days we were back home again with me nearly having a stroke due to his selfishness! But, moms love their kids no matter what! I know I do :o) it is just sad that some neglect them so badly.
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I expect she does love him. That's what's so sad.

But I can understand how you feel. I'll cross my fingers that he was fobbing her off and never really intended to visit. Although that's even sadder...
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I won't call or text him again - because I will not give him another opportunity to insult me by not acknowledging me.

I do not intend to changer her appointments - it will fill her entire day on Tuesday - hubby takes her - they will leave at 10 and won't be home until 3 or 4 p.m. If she doesn't have enough sense to tell him she has doctor appointments and he hasn't the decency to check with someone who actually KNOWS - then so be it if he arrives on Tuesday. I intend to be GONE too. Hubby has mom - it's my day off!

I think being GONE is the best way to deal with this any way you look at it. They are not coming to see me or my hubby - we just happen to live here. They never pass any of their visits by us EVER and only stay a couple of hours. They stopped by for two hours on their way home from a vacation last Aug. when she was hospitalized. Time before, they came while we were away on a trip (friends and our kids were looking after mom) - they came while we were away because then they don't have to 'deal with us.'

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support and suggestions. I didn't think I was the only one who would feel he was being ill mannered and discourteous. But mommy loves her baby and will take him any way she can.

Sad to think we could be that way one day - where we take the ones who care for us for granted and coo over the ones who ignore us completely. Sad. My youngest child told me the other day - 'mom, you know that if grandma doesn't appreciate you guys and thinks the world of the others who ignore her - you know where the problem lies don't you? It's GRANDMA! Bless the hearts of our children - one day they will choose our nursing home.
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Of course the ill-mannered little sod should call you if he plans to stay in your home, where you do the shopping, clean the baths and LOOK AFTER HIS MOTHER. Of course he should, and you could point that out to him in plain terms some day.

I'm just thinking of pre-empting the worse bad manners of his turning up effectively unannounced, which would hurt his mother's tender feelings, which would then be somehow your problem not his...
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