May I Rant?

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My MIL just told me that her youngest 'MAY' stop by on his way home from a wedding down South. There would be four of them. She does not know where he plans to stay or even IF he plans to stay more than a few hours. She lives in an apt. connected to our home. I AM THE ONE WHO CLEANS FOR HER. Am I the ONLY ONE (my MIL thinks ANYTHING this jerk does is great) who feels his lack of communication is appalling? I feel that just 'showing up' without even a warning is just the rudest. He may show up anytime Sunday - Wednesday. She doesn't know anything until HE CALLS HER again. Even though we have asked him repeatedly to call us also, he does not. I am livid. She has doctor appointments on Tuesday and probably didn't even tell him - even though there is a reminder note on her kitchen cabinet!! She doesn't even remember to check reminder notes - we remind her when it is time to get ready to go.

I guess I am just so completely disgusted with this 'piece of work' called her child that I am about over the edge again and as long as they stay away - I manage pretty well. He has not lifted a finger to do anything for his mother except an occasional hour or two visit in the nearly ten years she has been with us. Yet, he is her little darling and can do no wrong.

For two cents, I would go shopping the day he comes and LOCK our doors. Let him visit with his mother and take her out to eat.

Well, I think I feel better. Sorry for the rant. I haven't been here for a while and then I go and to this. Sorry.


Yes, you may rant, and that was a good one.

Do you not have his cell phone number?

Going out when he arrives sounds like a good idea to me.
I completely sympathise. My three older siblings decided that a "family conference" was due. I knew nothing about it until my SIL let it slip during an unconnected phone call. "When were you planning to let me know?" I enquired (quite mildly, I thought, in the circumstances). The date approached. Nobody confirmed. Nobody suggested a time. Nobody let me know how many partners were coming. Nada. I felt exactly as you did.

Come the morning of the day, my blood was boiling and then - excuse me - bugger me if they didn't turn up at half past nine, two brothers, empty-handed. At half past eleven my sister arrived, although to be fair she had at least thought to bring plenty of picnic type food with her.

My mother was delighted to see them all. She was under the impression that they had come to see her. She didn't realise that the plan was actually to leave her alone with SIL while the rest of them sat round the kitchen table and told me I couldn't cope.

Anyway, no need to go into that. Do you like the rest of your BIL's family? Does the party include nieces/nephews that you're fond of, or any other saving-grace types? If so, at least it would give you something about the visit to look forward to, which would be a start.

Practical arrangements: don't wait for him to call you. Ring him and tell him what your and his mother's schedule is, and tell him she'd love to see him but he must fit in. As for catering, suit yourself (literally, I mean). Taking his mother out for lunch would be a lovely thing to do.

Don't put him off (although bear in mind this all may turn out to be a fantasy, in which case guess who has to deal with MIL's disappointment? - yup, you again). But get this sorted beforehand, otherwise you'll have given this f***wit an inch and he'll take a mile.

Oof. You've let me let off some steam, I'd forgotten how livid I was. Thank you, I feel better now. xxx

Of course we have his cell #. We just feel that he should consult US as well as his mother if he is planning a visit - that it is the decent thing to do.

She doesn't even always remember to mention that he called. She said he called last week and today is the first time she mentioned the possible visit.

Everything he does and everything he doesn't do makes me angry. And she sticks up for him and said 'Well, he told ME' - and I said but he didn't tell ME!

I told her there are days I don't get dressed or do my hair or whatever and I would appreciate knowing AHEAD OF TIME if guests are going to show up here!

I told her he was the rudest jerk I know. Oh, 'poor baby' is what I should have said - she said he is 'so busy' and I said busy is just an excuse. Sorry for the continued rant. :0(

I am going to go put on a nice CD and turn it up and try to think of something else for a while :0) Thanks all.
My sister in law has never called me in over 30 years. I have never had a real conversation with any of his grown children.

They live in another state and we are not and have never been on their top ten list. They are civil. We are civil.

They are 'busy' people and they are of higher economic status and have very little to do with 'losers.' (yes, our son was visiting them a few years back and they were going on and on and on about these people who were 'losers' and he sat there and realized that HE was a loser and WE were losers - in their eyes - and he never went to see them again.)

The strained relationship we feel is due to their mother and her 'habit' of bad mouthing her children to each other for years and years. Basically, none of them know whether there is any truth in the crap she has fed them their whole life - but there was enough of it to keep them from ever having a normal brotherly relationship. We assume that once she is gone - we will never see any of them again.

My MIL has 3 DIL's - two have never called her on the phone and they have been in the family over 30 years each! No cards or flowers when ill. NADA.

Why I bit off caregiving this person is beyond me. Glutton for punishment, I guess.
jeannegibbs - re: cell number. He never answers our calls. Rarely returns our calls. He ignores our texts and emails. I have STOPPED contacting him. Why I say he is rude, I mean he IS RUDE!!
The impending visit may exist only in her mind. Dementia patients alter the facts to suit their fantasy. You should definitely go out, lock your doors and have a day at the spa. Do not cook or clean or accommodate them in any way. Let the chips fall where they may. Do not change any of her appointments. He can take her if he's in town. It's called making boundaries to protect your own sanity. You can only be a doormat if you allow yourself to be stepped on.
Of course the ill-mannered little sod should call you if he plans to stay in your home, where you do the shopping, clean the baths and LOOK AFTER HIS MOTHER. Of course he should, and you could point that out to him in plain terms some day.

I'm just thinking of pre-empting the worse bad manners of his turning up effectively unannounced, which would hurt his mother's tender feelings, which would then be somehow your problem not his...
I won't call or text him again - because I will not give him another opportunity to insult me by not acknowledging me.

I do not intend to changer her appointments - it will fill her entire day on Tuesday - hubby takes her - they will leave at 10 and won't be home until 3 or 4 p.m. If she doesn't have enough sense to tell him she has doctor appointments and he hasn't the decency to check with someone who actually KNOWS - then so be it if he arrives on Tuesday. I intend to be GONE too. Hubby has mom - it's my day off!

I think being GONE is the best way to deal with this any way you look at it. They are not coming to see me or my hubby - we just happen to live here. They never pass any of their visits by us EVER and only stay a couple of hours. They stopped by for two hours on their way home from a vacation last Aug. when she was hospitalized. Time before, they came while we were away on a trip (friends and our kids were looking after mom) - they came while we were away because then they don't have to 'deal with us.'

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support and suggestions. I didn't think I was the only one who would feel he was being ill mannered and discourteous. But mommy loves her baby and will take him any way she can.

Sad to think we could be that way one day - where we take the ones who care for us for granted and coo over the ones who ignore us completely. Sad. My youngest child told me the other day - 'mom, you know that if grandma doesn't appreciate you guys and thinks the world of the others who ignore her - you know where the problem lies don't you? It's GRANDMA! Bless the hearts of our children - one day they will choose our nursing home.
I expect she does love him. That's what's so sad.

But I can understand how you feel. I'll cross my fingers that he was fobbing her off and never really intended to visit. Although that's even sadder...
Yes, he has done that too. He has come for a week's respite and left her the day after we went on our trip. Kids called us to tell us he was 'gone' and she was home alone and at THAT time, had been recently hospitalized, was on pain killers for sciatica and steroids that made her glucose levels run in the 300's and she should NOT have been home alone. She told him 'I'm ok' and he left her and went to Las Vegas - had no intention of staying with her while we were gone. So, after 3 days we were back home again with me nearly having a stroke due to his selfishness! But, moms love their kids no matter what! I know I do :o) it is just sad that some neglect them so badly.

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