The martyr parent & caregiver.

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My mom (a retired LPN with just enough medical knowledge to be (dangerous)75, cares for my 85yo dad who is mentally sharp but declining physically. She has hidden important information from me (I'm POA) lately about her own illnesses. They refuse any help- for chores, grass cutting, snow shovelling- don't trust anyone & I'm disabled & can't do it either. Dad has lost 10lbs in the last yr (many dental issues-caps falling off, refuses dentures) & is (non insulin dependent) diabetic, so mom restricts his diet. I finally got her to give him Boost supplements! I'm distraught that she still has complete control over his care (I'm an RN) & has become defensive when I've attempted to guide her/make suggestions. She hobbles around & is putting off necessary hip surgery that she needs while acting as the martyr in pain. Any suggestions? They did agree to have emergency touch monitors installed after another sibling fought with them over the holidays.


maybe your mother just takes it all as a challenge. chances are she IS up to the task and downplays her pain just cause shes a tough old person. some people are very proud and competetive and will work circles around everyone else just to display their superiority. i prefer teamwork to mindless competition but thats the way the oldtimers were brought up. school sports =pointless competition. i always did find sports kinda lame. whatta ya win? a torn rotor cuff if your lucky..
gimme an S gimme a T gimme an F gimme a U..
they're back in the ER as we speak with flank pain....she NOW tells me he's had it for weeks- ugh
Your mom sounds like she's a take charge kind of gal. She may not be doing it the right way but she's doing it her way. Has she always been like this? I know you want to help but it doesn't sound like she thinks she needs it. Unless push comes to shove you are probably going to have to let her. I just read you are in the ER. This may determine whether or not things go in a different direction. There's always that chance of the dreaded ER or hospital visit that reveals your parent is no longer capable of being alone or can handle their life as before. I wish you luck, hope your folks are ok and would be interested to hear what happens today. Hang in there!
omg I'm so ashamed. After my selfish ranting dad was admitted for tests & dx with metastatic bone cancer. All this time my mom has been caring for him,,,,,it's come very fast & aggressively. We are now loving partners with Hospice support caring for daddy together. I truly believe God send us signs- now I have angels helping ME including my mom. Forgive me all.......
You were at your rope's end, needed to vent. No reason to feel bad. It's called being human.
I am so sorry to hear of your father's diagnosis. Blessings on you and your mother as you take care of him. The angels will be there with you, God will see to it.
wow- I just re-read my posts & my dad has prostate mets to the bone, not bone cancer which may be a blessing in disguise as his pain is well-controlled so far with MS Contin every 12 hrs. He is doing ok on home hospice care- they come once/wk to check on him & mom. Mom is starting to hit the wall, though as his primary cg. My busy schedule is winding down after this week & I have plans to lighten her load as much as possible till the end. Hospice is always supportive & professional & I feel like I can call them anytime with questions & concerns (even tho I'm a nurse; it's my dad). Now I understand how strong she's been through all these yrs......almost time for me to really help....on their terms.

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