My marriage is falling apart since I have been taking care of my mom.

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I feel all my husband and I do is fight. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm overwhelmed and I don't want to lose him because of this.


Your mother is very young to be bedridden and you are young to have to look after her when you have your own marriage and education to work on.

Did your mother become bedridden before or after her husband walked out on her. Was there some significant even in your mother's life? Is she depressed and this inability to walk psychosomatic?

Does your mother have any brothers or sisters? If so, where are they in all of this mess?

I think you and your husband need to see a therapist to sort things out for it sounds like he is feel abandoned and you are feeling overwhelmed.

Could your mother apply for disability?
She was bedridden before he walked of she has been going down hill for 18 months and she cannot walk because of having no muscle in her legs the doctors think it may be ms of als they are still figuring things out she wants her husband to come back but he wasent there for her for years but she swares she needs him i dont understand how she can think this when he wouldent even tell her he loves her now i feel like i am not doing anything right no matter how hard i try she makes me feel like im not doing good plus me and my husband havent had time together since i started taking care of her even if i ask her if we can have an hour alone to go to our room and jest have us time she makes us feel bad i jest dont know what to do
A married woman does not need her mother's permission for privacy. Set some boundaries and take some time for yourself as well as for your husband and you. If need be and it can be paid for, get someone to come in a sit with her. It sounds to me like your mother is using emotional blackmail on you when she ought to be grateful for your help.

I doubt too that her husband will return, but I don't understand why she is being so mean to you. Has she always been like this?
Loving your Mother and taking care of her should not endanger your marriage. You should not have to give up your life to be a caregiver. Are there other family members you can ask to help out and at least free up your weekends so you can enjoy some time with your husband? Taking care of your health and your marriage is your number priority.

Talk to her doctor about home health care available. If she has the money or on Medicaid some of the services would be free. She may well be eligible for Hospice and whatever services your local ALS group may provide.

This sounds mean but if your Mother is not divorced from her husband, she should contact a lawyer and get that going; perhaps there would be spousal support available to help with her care.

You have to take control of the situation now. Wishing you all the best. Blessings!
I am so sorry and feel for you! I don't have an answer, but if I did, I would gladly share it and use the answer for myself! I know exactly where you are coming from and my daughter tells me we should have set our foot down earlier to prevent the interference that is going on in our household.

We are becoming "trapped" in our own home, except when my husband goes to work, lucky him! Right now I would pay to go to work to get out of the house! It used to be Mom was OK staying by herself or even if one of us was at home, she was content. Now, I can't even get out of the house to down my outside work. Our daughter says it is my fault for letting her get the upper hand. If I leave the house for any reason, my husband has to play 20 questions with her! Our daughter suggested a dry erase board for me to write down where I am going, so she wouldn't have to ask all these questions. She forgets or don't pay any attention or even understand when we do tell her anything. An example, I had to take my car to the garage to have the airbags reconnected where they had unconnected them while putting in a new radio, so my daughter decides we need a Mother/Daughter day, since she works all the time and we never get to spend any time together and it was her birthday. My husband got home from work about 4 hrs before I got back in, so she had someone with her, not like being alone. I had written on the dry erase board where I had gone, when I had left and it would probably take a long while. My husband walked in and she handed him the board and said, did you see this? Just where is this garage? He just said, over in town.
All we get done is tell "fibs" or like my husband says is, lie! She doesn't need to know where or what we are doing, in my opinion, because she forgets as soon as we tell her!

My husband is a very compassionate, caring man who is my best friend. He has always told me, well it's a good thing we can laugh it off, cause if we couldn't we would be hurting. I would tell him all of the miserable things that had happened to me that day and he would always be supportive or not comment very much about what I had told him. Now, I think it is "getting under his skin", because he keeps re-telling me all the stuff she says when I am out. I don't want to give in to her every whim, just because she wants it that way, like staying home and never getting out any. She is able to stay by herself for me to get out and do things. She has dementia and I guess it is seriously getting worse. She is 94 yrs old and pretty "feeble" , especially her mobility and mind! We have to go out to eat or to the grocery store or Walmart after I get her to bed, which could be anywhere from 5 in the evening until 10 o'clock. Seems like she has ESP when she knows we need to go do chores, run errands or just get out of the house!!

Our daughter is a Physician Assistant and she said you just need to tell her this and that and so on. I said how can we tell her this or that, because just in no time, she will have forgotten, or don't understand anyway, and the dry erase board doesn't even work any more! I am just about to go stark raving crazy! My husband and I snuck out the other evening just to get a hamburger and just making conversation I said, I've done come to the conclusion that I will be "pushing up daisies" when Mom is still going strong! Wow! He really got hot! He said "don't ever talk like that again"! I said "well, that is the way I feel. She is moving right along and I am the one going down hill"!

Thanks so much for listening! I could go on and on, but this is a summary of what I am going through. If anyone has an answer or a pep talk for me, please let me know, because I can't get much lower down than I am right now. Any answers or help will be so much appreciated! Thank you!
I feel the pain both of you are going through. My MIL has been with us a few months now, and it is depressing to think this could go on for years. I know my husband is miserable. He wants to help his mother, but she can be so difficult. She also does not like either of us going anywhere or even not in the same room as her. We are trying very hard to stick to our normal routines and not give in to the guilt traps. The way I look at it, you cannot predict what will make her mad. (Seriously, not buying the brand of dish soap she prefers can set off a tizzy fit.) so, if you can't predict why bother trying to avoid it. We go out with our friends eventhough it makes her mad. We do our own thing around the house, and do not force ourself to sit and watch her programs every night. I am NOT changing the way we live to match what she wants. It is still frustrating at times, but we don't feel like we have lost total control.
chloesgrams, I really don't like your husband's response to your comment about pushing up daisies. I don't think that he really heard what you were saying.

It sounds to me like it is time for a different level of care for your mother and that is not in your home if possible. Her dementia sounds bad and it is only going to get worse. I hope you can find a way to reclaim your life.
Thanks for your kind comments. They are really appreciated, cause I really need a "boost" and to know there are others who are going through the same thing. My husband is really a kind and caring person and helps me so much. I think he was just disappointed that I would say something like "pushing up daisies" because he
was trying to boost my spirits at the time. Sorry I stated it that way! Mom has lived with us for 2 years and been at "death's door" so many times and has amazed her doctor at how she bounces back. Some compare caring for the elderly like taking care of a baby and I have to disagree, because a baby moves forward and learns and the elderly go backward and forget what they have learned. I know it is only going to get worse, and I guess when it does I will have to think about placement. Right now I feel it is my duty or obligation to take care of her since I am an only child, at least, until it gets until I can't do it any more. I am not as young as I used to be and really would like to be able to take care of my family later on. I just pray God leads me to do the right thing, when the time is right. Thanks for your kindness!
tristapascoe, you are too young to be saddled with caregiving a bedridden person and no one is the right age to live in a house with someone who makes them feel like they can never do anything right.

For everything there is a season. This is your season to get your education and to build a strong marriage, possibly for the basis of a future family. You need to take that very seriously. Your twenties won't come around again.

If you are in school now you are probably used to doing some research. This is a way you can help your mother. Find out what she is eligible for. Disability payments? Medicaid? Help from the county social services office? Spousal support? Do the research to find out what is available to her, so you do not have to do the caregiving 24/7.

One of the difficulties of living in your parents' home when you are a young adult is that it can be hard to move out of the child/parent roles. (I've seen much older men and women have problems with this, too.) You do not need your mother's permission to spend time with your husband. If she cannot be left alone in the house, you do not need her permission to have someone else stay in the house while you and hubby go out for the evening. (Did your mother ask your permission before she got a babysitter?) Do do not need to do everything exactly the way she wants it done. If you are cooking meals now, you cook them your way, just as you would if you and your husband were living in your own home.

This is your season to become independent, to become interdependent with your husband, and to cut the apron strings with your mother.

Good luck to you. Come back and let us know how you are doing.
When we mentioned to MIL that obviously she needed more help than we could offer and we would start looking for facility for her, she got better! I noticed the pattern that she became much more ill when she didn't think we were all sympathizing 100% of time. Like when I suggested that she may be able to walk more soundly if she went with me to water physical therapy, and she declined. Of course my husband didn't want to see it, but he supported me in my plan to call her bluff. She may be depressed, she may just be okay ruining your marriage so she has a "pal". She may be having a reaction to a medicine (I had reaction to meds I took for years, suddenly I had severe MS symptoms that took years for Dr to figure out). My point is, there could be many reasons for her ailment, not all physical. Please listen to your husband, talk to her physicians then require her to have some kind of activity that would improve her quality of life. Most of all, along with your husband, regain control of your house, Good Luck

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