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My grandmother was my person, I loved her more than anything in this earth. Her health started deteriorating about 8 months prior to her passing and despite seeing what was happening before my eyes I couldn't believe or accept it. I just knew that she wa me going to recover, at least that's what I asked God for. She was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 88 and later found that it had spread to her brain. Due to her diminishing ability to think and complete everyday tasks her children made the decision to have radiation on her whole brain. This was what we Thought was best and encouraged by her Dr. anyway....a couple months later she could no longer speak complete sentences nor feed herself on bad days. I watched this happen and despite it all I still had hope. She was soon under hospice care at home bc that is where she wanted to be....her dr said her outcome would be much better with this type of care. She had a great them of nurses and family with her at all times. She ate well, and fought hard and even smiled from time to time. Well, in January she started getting worse. I tried to be here as much as possible with her and tell her I loved her every chance I got. I got a call one day that she had a really bad day....I came straight back to the house and didn't want to leave. A day and half later while surrounded by her closest loved ones she took her last breath. I sat at the head of her bed, caressing her hair and hoping she could hear me telling her how much she meant to me and how loved she was. I will never forget that moment. Now, weeks later that is all I can think about....that sad, painful last day and the last minutes and the last breath. I replay it over and over. Will this ever stop?? I don't want to ever forget any of it but will I ever get over seeing that and watching her go through this?? I have an anxiety disorder and this has been tough....I don't know what to do.

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Dear whoknows,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished and beloved grandmother. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know its devastating and painful. What you are experiencing is normal and part of grief. Those final moments with our loved ones are the hardest. I know its not easy. When you are ready maybe consider doing the following things to help you cope, like seeing a counselor or joining a support group.

Take care of yourself the best you can. And know that you are not alone. We are all here to support you. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
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See if you can find a grief therapy group to attend. Set a goal of attending at least 10 meetings and then see how you are doing and decide to go another 10. If you work hard you can manage the pain but you won't forget her death. Hopefully the memory of her life will begin to edge out the memory of those last days. The best of her is within you. She has not left you.breath, walk and get good rest. It takes time.
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See if you can find a grief therapy group to attend. Set a goal of attending at least 10 meetings and then see how you are doing and decide to go another 10. If you work hard you can manage the pain but you won't forget her death. Hopefully the memory of her life will begin to edge out the memory of those last days. The best of her is within you. She has not left you.breath, walk and get good rest. It takes time.
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Truth be told you will never forget. The memory will last, but you will think about it less and less. The pain of that memory will fade in time like an old scar. Slowly, the pain will fade, maybe stop and the good fun memories will start to spring up in its place.

I hope.
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Do you have a therapist you can meet with? Since you have an existing condition, professional help would be the best (in my humble opinion). But I will add, that you all gave your Grandmother the best send off anyone could imagine. To be taken care of, told how much you are loved and to be surrounded by loved ones tops anything. Since your Grandmother was so very special to you, try to think abut what she would want for you. Grieve, remember her and then move on with your life. Live it as best you can in honor of Grandma! And, check in with the hospice service that helped her. Typically they have some grief counseling or support groups to help you along the way. God Bless you.
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