I lost Mom 2 months ago and feel so lost.

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Mom lived with me for about 4 years. At times I would get so angry because my family would not help me at all. We had so many fights over them throwing everything on me. Now she is gone and I miss her so much! I feel guilty about the fighting. I would do it all over again but this time not say a word because now I know I no longer have her. People told me to cherish each minute that I had with Mom because this day would come. I did but at times I would still become so angry. Its so hard to watch your Mother go through Alzheimer's. I eventually had to put Mom in a Home because she had no control and was incontinent. She started to fall and after a few bad falls the Doctor told me that I was doing her more harm than good trying to keep her at home with a caregiver. Even though I would get angry at times I did not want to put her in the home and I felt so guilty leaving her there. It seemed to be a beautiful place until I caught the Doctor over medicating her. I never dreamed that this would happen. I had to rush her to the ER one day and when she returned to the home she started to decline rapidly. I had no idea what was going on, My Mom went from walking good and talking to almost a vegetable in a few short weeks. It was only after the medicine bill came in that I found out that they had added 21 new medications without telling me. When I found out I immediately went there and told them to stop. I tried to talk to the doctor but she became very rude. She said that they had taken her off but I don't believe that they did. After discovering this and getting the attitude that I did from the Doctor and director I moved my Mother to a new place. She actually became extremely ill for days, I have to believe it was withdrawal. I have been told that once this happens a person usually does not recover. Mom seemed to be pulling out of it, they even got her to walk a little but that did not last, she went down hill after that. could not walk or barley put a sentence together. I here this is quite common in a nursing home with medications. I feel like the doctor was playing God!!! No one has the right to do something like this. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I in some ways feel that I should have done better. Although my eyes tear up often I for some reason have not broke down. This is a terrible feeling and I feel like I'm loosing my mind half the time. At times I wake up in the morning and expect Mom to come walking down the hall and its such an empty feeling. I was very close to my Mom and Dad and thinking that they are both gone scares me and makes me so sad. I know with time things will get better but at times I just want to start screaming. To everyone that is going through this, I know its hard and sometimes unbearable but the day will come that you loose them and its so true cherish every minute that you have with them. Its just terrible to see a parent or spouse go through this and anyone that has to deal with it my heart goes out to you. Its also so unfair when you have family that does not take responsibility and leave it all on one person. You can only do so much. I know my Mom was happy living with us I just hate that I felt the way that I did sometimes and feel so guilty. I just hope that she does know I tried my best and love and miss her dearly. To who ever is reading this, I guess I really don't have a question, I just need to talk and I really don't have anyone to talk to that understands, but I know all of you do. I'm not a person to go seek help I was always taught to hold thing in and deal with it but in this case I just feel so lost and lonely. Thanks for listening. I do pray for everyone on this site. Please know through my fight with Alzheimers with my Mother all of you helped me so much being able to talk and ask questions, sometime scream and yell. I did not have the back up from my family but I had back up from all of you. I will continue to read the Forum in hopes that I can help someone else through there bad time. Love to all of you!!!


Aveeno, please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mom. I lost mine in November and am just starting to grieve now. Mom was always dramatic, paranoid and in the end became delusional and combative. It’s taken me a while to get over seeing her like this and remember the good times. Everybody says this, but it’s true; grieving takes time. Everyone does it their own way and there’s no right or wrong way. They were our mothers, for Heaven’s sake! We’re allowed to be sad.

I would ask you though, if you were more or less responsible for your mom’s affairs, why weren’t you notified about all these meds? It sounds kind of shady to me, and the fact that the doctor got snippy with you makes me wonder too. I was always told when the staff physician changed my mom’s meds. Always. Since they affected her so profoundly, I’d be tempted to call an attorney to see if this needs investigating.
You are not alone Aveeno. Sometimes it's nice to just let it all out. May you have peace and healing in the coming days. Grief sometimes seems to take its own sweet time. Thanks for your story.
I am so sorry for your loss..please know you are in my thoughts and prayers ..I’m sending you hugs and love ..wish I had magical words to make the pain better but I don’t , but I will remember you in my prayers and say a Rosary for you and your Mom tonight
Aveeno, I am also very sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose a loved one, but when it happens at a nursing home, it seems so much worse. Please know that it will take time to heal and if you need to vent some more, don't hesitate to come back on the website.
I have filed with the Texas Medical Board, she is under investigation. The awful part is when I looked her up on line after this took place I found that she is currently under indictment for over medicating the elderly with a hospice agency in Plano, TX. Dr. Lilia Hirgee is allowed to practice at Nursing Homes even after she has been indicted for such a thing. I wish I would have though and researched her earlier I just never dreamed of something like this taking place. I pray for all over you going through this, it just a terrible disease. Thank you for sharing with me, I don't think this will be easy to get over with all that has happened.
Aveeno, I’m so sorry for your loss. Are you familiar with the term “complicated grief”? If not, google it. Your roller-coaster of feelings is perfectly normal. Especially in light of what you went through.... and what your mother went through. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much. I have never heard that term but it fits. My Best friend lost her son in 2012 and it fits for her also. I will pass this information. I really appreciate you answering my post.
Thank you so much. I have never heard that term but it fits. My Best friend lost her son in 2012 and it fits for her also. I will pass this information. I really appreciate you answering my post.
"I just hate that I felt the way that I did sometimes and feel so guilty. I just hope that she does know I tried my best and love and miss her dearly."

I think she really knows it.
I'm going through the process of trying not to lose my patience with my mom every day, sometimes I win, sometimes I fail because as you say, it is so, so hard. It's hard because we are tired, frustrated, just human, but also because we are sad, we do love them so much and they are slowly becoming invisible and there's nothing we can do about it... something that we can't say out loud and share with them.

My dad passed away 4 months ago. There are so many things I never told him, it was impossible. Now, he knows them all.

I think I've opened your post to be reminded of this so, thank you Aveeno.
Now all that counts to your mom is the love you two share, and I have no doubts she can feel it all.

Many blessings.
Thank you Arwin31, It been very difficult. I understand what you are going through and I use to feel the same way. I think your description is right on about how someone feels as they try their best to take care of someone that they love. You know that they will never be the same and that hurts so bad!!! I'm so sorry about your Dad, this has to be terrible on you to loose your Dad and then this happen to your Mom so close together!!! I have to believe in my Heart that they do know and I have to really think that my Mom forgives me for anything that I should have done better. Poor Mom went through the same thing with her parents. Mom and Dad moved home to take care of them and I believe that she had a nervous break down. She lost her Dad in 2002 and her Mom almost a year later just a few days from the day that we lost Grandpa, just a few short years later she lost my Father and I believe it pushed her over the edge bringing on the Alzheimer's. Mom pretty much want to go be with them. Its all just so sad. I remember thinking when I was young that you grew up and worked all your life so you could retire and have a good time. I have found that its not the case in most instance. I'm so glad that you will have time to say all the things to your Mom that need to be said, that is one thing that I took advantage of. Stay strong!!

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