I'm a long distance daughter who is concerned about my dad and who is taking care of him.

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My dad is 90 years old and his,by marriage grandson, is taking advantage of my dad..helping himself to dad's checking account. This grandson talked my dad into putting him on his account so the grandson would be able to care for him. I went to visit both of them about this and my dad thinks this grandson needs him. This grandson says he's the one solely taking care of him and I have no right to question his motives. Well, from there I knew something was wrong. I got in touch with every agency I knew while being down there to get help for my dad as well as alerting them that there could be some emotional abuse going on. I was able to take my dad to his bank without the grandson so we could talk with the manger together about my dad's account being over drawn every month. The manger told my dad the same thing, but my dad is holding firm to what he believes..the grandson needs him. It was time for me to leave,but not with out getting in touch with Elder Abuse. I was told by them as well as others, that if my father agrees with this, there is nothing that they can do.I made sure also that I got put on my dad's account as well. I'm glad that I did because I was able to keep track of what this grandson was doing. I opened a savings for my dad so I could transfer his money so he wouldn't be left dry..Needless to say the grandson didn't like this. he no longer has complete control over his account... I don't know what else to do..the only thing this grandson is caring for is my dad's Pension and SSI not his well being. I got in touch with my dad's doctor,alerted them as well and found out that since last year all appointments were canceled. I had no idea about any of this because every time I spoke with my dad," everything is fine" my dad lives with his step son but his health isn't good either... Is there anyone out there that can help me with this? This grandson thinks he has every right to do what he's doing and has no remorse....there is clearly something wrong as well with this grandson and his emotional being as well his thinking. Any suggestions, please.......


yes, I have a suggestion; Stop being a long distance daughter and move closer to help. You have no idea what's really going on because you are to far away. If you are so concerned-------- move closer and help.
So far, you're doing an excellent job following the $. It'd be nice if you could check up on him in person regularly, but that's extremely difficult when your roots are far away. Still, you can be more proactive. Not being there in body doesn't mean you can't make your presence felt long enough to keep the vultures at a safe distance.
Is anyone else in your family willing to care for your dad? If not, this grandson is all he has. I am very concerned about your father's health & well being than following the money. Is it possible for you to visit & find a home for your dad? Do you have POA?
Thank you for your response,all of your inputs. Unfortunately I am not in the position to move closer. I took care of medical, meals on wheels, and a (aide to come through out the week,which hasn't kicked in yet) when I was there. I stay in touch with his doctor and he has told me if he notices any changes I'll know. My dad just signed for me to have POA so I can now at least talk with his doctor and his pharmacy. His step sons are taking him back and forth to his doctors, and I'm fine with that. My husband and I are picking up my dad's medical and pharmacy bills until his insurance picks up some of it. My dad doesn't have too much longer on God's green earth and I don't want him worrying anymore about not having enough money to cover his bills. I have given up on the grandson and him taking over my dad's account. Let him have it all if he feels he needs it more!! We were told that my dad has prostate cancer so the only thing My dad needs now is to be comfortable..My dad took care of me so it's my time to take care of him..Short from being there, this is as much as I can do for now. My dad knows I'm just a phone call away which is better then no contact at all. He also knows that I'm trying my best and that's all that counts. God knows our hearts, and he's the judge not me..
Inez: How about moving your dad close to you? Do you feel he is more comfortable with his step-sons and grandson, living in the same house he is used too? Your dad is getting up there in years; at age 90 he may not fully understand the motives of those around him. On the other hand, it may just be all he knows. You were told that your dad has prostrate cancer. Who told you this? It sounds like you got upset about the Grandson using his money and then decided that is wasn't that important. Maybe you don't want to move your dad because it would be hard on him or it would be hard on you. Maybe both. It doesn't sound like you have a close relationship with your dad. That may be incorrect, but it sounds like you've had a separate life for many years and live in a much different world than the one he lives in. Maybe it's a little late to take him out of his world. Whatever happens, I wish you and your dad love, comfort and peace.
My dad and I do have a close relationship even though it was by phone. I have asked him many times after his wife passed 2years ago to come and live with me but he wants to remain there to live out his years. As far as the grandson and the money went it was just getting my dad upset and torn between the two. That's why I backed off. We knew it was going to take time and money to do anything further with my dad, (back medical bills and so forth)....and we asked about him maybe going into a senior home by me if he didn't want to stay with me..he didn't want that either. There was so much more going on besides the money that wasn't mention in the beginning of the this forum. I was very upset back then, since I've calmed down. I couldn't believe that the grandson knowing what my dad's needs are and still taking advantaged of the situation(meaning his age and how my dad depends on him) We the family had no idea what the grandson was doing after my dad's wife past. My dad never told me about any of this, just that the grandson was taking care of him and his affair and not to worry. I called the grandson on several occasions to find out just what he was doing, he never returned my calls. This is when I knew that phone calls to my dad wasn't enough now. After we arrived my husband and I started questioning the grandson about my dad's doctor, and why he(grandson) didn't return the phone calls, he stated he had a lot on his plate with my dad. So my question was," why didn't you called me" ? It was time for all of us (family) to get involved and the grandson was not having that.The family needed to get together and discuss any funeral arrangement's for dad before he passes, meaning funeral home, plots, speaking with doctors,(now that I can) find out what really is going on since everything was just between my dad and the grandson. I'm sorry if it seemed as if I was concerned only about my dad's account. As anyone knows, when you decide to take on the duty of being a caregiver of a family member especially if it's your mom or dad, it takes a great deal of your time and in some cases your own money. We don't know where the money is going to come from but we will get it.

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