Living with my elderly parents

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I am 50 caretaking for my 93 yr old mother and 86 year old father, also working.


How long can that realistically work for you and your elderly parents?
What kind of shape are they in? Do they have the resources to pay for in home care?
Your profile says taking care of your mom, living at home, primary problem ability. Here you've posted your mom's age of 93 (yours of 50) and that your 86-year-old dad still works. OMG, what does he do? Is it to earn money, mental diversion from mom or the desire to feel needed in a job as men often do?

Is there an implied question in here, just a comment to get to know you, or the beginning of a vent? Whatever it is, you've come to the right place.

I'm inferring that your dad is gone from the house when he works? Does that pretty much make you the 24/7/365 caregiver? I'm also inferring that you either don't work or you do some work out of the house? Are all of you in their home or your home? Since you haven't mentioned dementia and competency isn't an issue, I'm supposing you have all the necessary legal paperwork in place: trust, will, durable POA, health care POA? Right now, if something happen to either of them, the other spouse could make decisions. You need to have things in place in case something happens to one of them and you need to make decisions for the other. Are there other siblings? If so, be cautious. As you will read many times while reviewing this site, those with the heaviest or primary care taking responsibilities are often perceived by the parent(s) as being dictatorial, abusive & the takers away of Independence. Then the parents are persuaded by the other siblings to give financial control to them (ie: all the legal power). And instead of standing behind you which would be the right thing to do, they are happy to have control with no responsibilities.

So, if you want, tell us a little bit more...
Correction ... voice recognition on my android gets words wrong here and there. I was trying to say that you said the primary problem with your mom was "mobility", not "ability".
I am working, not Dad....Mum has Community care come in twice daily. I have a seasonal job that I love at a garden centre. My parents and I live together in a moderate size home. I do the housework, cooking and laundry. My issue is boundaries...trying to maintain my own privacy. I am asked constantly what did you do today, etc. I used to have my own home, until divorced, no children. I miss my own place, but it's not possible to leave now.....does anyone identify with these feelings?
I read it as Coburg was working as well as caregiving. Maybe the 86 year old is working, too. I have a feeling I will be working at that age.
This is the third time I have attempted this "question" today. WTH.
What is your point, Coburg?
Do you want confirmation that you are a hero, or what? Yes, working and caregiving is eventually double, no triple duty. :) xo
Simultaneous posting. (At least I was half right.)
Maybe they forget you are a grown man. Reality check.
Get out regularly, find a nice girlfriend, make friends with a kindly neighbor to babysit. God Love you, Brother:) Stay with us. It helps. Vent. We hear you! xo
Oh, haha, I attached the dangling participle to your dad and assumed he was the worker. At 86 I'm glad he isn't working. Unless you've posted privately with ChristinaW and she knows you're a man, I don't see that in your public post so which is it, M or F ? Maybe you don't want to find a girlfriend.

But, I digress, on to your situation. First, I would reiterate my questions in my first post, which I think are still important. But you didn't ask that. Let me address privacy and boundaries.

Whether your folks have dementia or not, as parents age they become more isolated, you become their world, they're all my point of contact with the outside, you are the only source of vicarious experiences for them. Naturally, they're going to want to experience your life by osmosis. This could become draining for you or you can flip it into a game, have a little fun with it, and make it neutral so you don't feel invaded.

My example involves a friend with a 60 year old ADHD daughter. She is functional, does errands etc, that is bored out of her mind because she isn't it interesting, doesn't do anything interesting and doesn't find what other people do very interesting. But she is very interested in what she's done. She will arrive home and go through a laundry list of what she's done that day, I went to the bank, I went to the post office, then I went to the dry cleaners, then I took mom's things to Goodwill, then I stopped to have lunch but I didn't like anything they had so I waited till later, then I went to Staples, then I decided I was hungry so I went back to the health food store and got a salad. Her attention span is that of a jumping bean. Learning how to communicate with her 40 years ago has helped me with the mindlessness of dementia folk and some elders who are on that path. Here's the game: what you tell them is up to YOU. Mentally file away what you do when you go out then mentally edit it before you get home. Even before they ask you, give them a rundown of all the boring things you've done that day, leaving out any personal or private things that you don't want to tell them. I think you may be in resistance about them asking you in the first place so you're feeling possessive about every single thing you do during the day. They just what to communicate with you and be a part of your life. So let them be, about the trivia. I don't believe don't know the difference, they'll be satisfied and you won't feel like your privacy has been invaded. As our elders continue to age, it's less and less effective to think in terms of setting boundaries. If you're going to be the caregiver, YOU have to be the one to find your comfort zone because they can't change.
CarolLynn -
I agree. Tell them LOTS of stuff. It doesn't have to be true. Tell them about a story in the paper, or something from a book, or your opinion about politics. They want to hear stuff. It will be a kindness to tell them stuff, and still keep your business to yourself. Make a list of topics you are happy to talk about, and topics they would like to hear. Tell them about office politics - but leave out the part about your role in it.

Part of caregiving is doing things we would prefer not to do. Telling them your business is something you would HATE, so don't do that. Giving them some chatty news is only something you would prefer not to do, so try to do it.

Try to get into a mindset of having compassion for them. If you can do that, it makes everything so much easier. Try to love them even when you are irritated. It's for your own good! Best wishes.
Just because they ask questions doesn't mean you have to answer. Chat about anything or change the subject. Elders forget easily with just a nudge by you in another direction. Even a "Oh let me ask you this first.... " or a simple yes/no with another question from you will get them off the subject of you. Think of other topics to ask about and how to say it so it will be on your lips when you need it. God Bless.

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