Living with guilt after losing my Mom.

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My mom passed away in hospital from aspiration pneumonia. She lived in nursing home for two years with dementia confined to a wheelchair. For the best part of her being in the nursing home I would spend from when she woke up until she went to bed with her and I don't regret that. Most of the time I would wheel her around throughout the nursing home.or sit with her watching tv. I would hold her hand kiss her on the forehead or on the cheek at night before she would go to bed I would read verses from the bible and pray with my mom. Then there was those times where I would get frustrated or angry and not know what I was doing almost like I had gone insane where I would say rude things to her or slap her even go as far as bend her hand back but not understand why I would. I don't get or understand why I did these things, I feel like I should be locked up and have the key thrown away. I did when these things happened say I was sorry and yet I still did them. Right now I can't blame anyone for not understanding, but I don't even understand because my mom was everything to me and in my right mind I know I would not have done these things. I'm truly trying to understand me and can't. I couldn't even tell her before she died how much I truly do love her because of the dementia.


Have you considered talking about your feelings with a counselor?
i know i have to get counselling going but i just can't believe i did what i did
That is what a counselor can help you with. Please do not put this off.
andrew, I agree counseling would help. It sounds to me that you were of two minds -- one that wanted to be there for your mother and another that was angry about the sacrifice. It might help you to know that many (maybe most) of us are of two minds.

Today my mother and I went to church and out to eat. When we finished eating, I was supporting my mother's walker so she could get up. It was taking a long time. Then she started fiddling with tissues in her pocket and was taking one out to blow her nose. It triggered the other me and I said "Come on" very impatiently. I was immediately ashamed. I have to forgive myself, though, because I knew that she had pushed me to the limit of my better self. This may have been what you were seeing in yourself when you did things that made you ashamed. I hope you can come to understand and forgive yourself. You were under an extremely stressful circumstance.
I do have to add, though, that you do need to talk about the physical aggression with someone. The main fear that I have here is that the aggression would carry over to other people in your life. If you know you have the tendencies, it is better to understand why and how to stop yourself when the impulse arises.
thank you jeanne and jessie i know i just wanted the best for my mom and tried so hard to do so...i'm glad i have supportive people here
Andrew, were you ever estranged from your mother? It sounds like you showed her in many ways how much you loved her. Actions speak louder than words. It sounds like most of your actions talked about love.

My therapist talks about all the different "parts" we have inside us, from a helpless baby to an angry teenager to a grown loving son. Different parts have control at different times. Our "self" is supposed to be the wise center that keeps every part in balance. You are not alone in having parts of you that do things you don't approve of. Do see a shrink. If they are not supportive, if they get judgy, walk right out. The therapist needs to be on your side.
growing up as a child my mom and dad loved all of us but there was more put on my brother from my mom and more from my dad on my sister
i was born missing half my teeth so was always treated as an outcast around friends but mymom and dad were supportive to me
as a child everytime i got close to someone they either moved away or died example my oldest brother when i was 10 then my dad when i was 19

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