Living together isn't the right thing, not sure what to do next.

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I posted many weeks ago about not adjusting well to my parents living with me. I took them in after my dad had a health scare, naively thinking their hoarding and other issues would magically dissolve. I know, silly,huh? Anyhow, dad had another health scare only this one ended up much worse. He had to have a below the knee amputation and has been in rehab the past month. Medicare has said "No more" so now we are looking at him coming home, with a nurse coming twice a week, or him going to a nursing home as a medicaid pending. On top of all this, mom has congestive heart failure,sleep apnea, and is morbidly obese(367 lbs and 5'4"). I believe she is also severely depressed, but she refuses to be medicated at all. I have tried and tried to get her to apply for medicaid, or some kind of low income senior housing, but she refuses to do anything--shower, go to the doctor, etc--without me pushing her. I am so tired. I am starting to slip into depression myself, and it's starting to affect the way I interact with my husband and two young children. I have no family other than my husband and kids, and I'm not sure what to do. I am waiting for a call back from the area agency on aging to see what I can do.


I hate to say this (again) because many women take issue with me, but.. your husband and children should be your FIRST priority. Sorry about your folks, and that doesn't mean you should kick them to the curb obviously, but when you got married, you and your husband were supposed to 'cleave to one another' and become a unit. Time to find other living arrangements for the parents, IF this is going to cause you and your hubby grief enough to threaten your marriage. I would expect the same from your husband too, if it were HIS parents we were talking about.
I do agree with Nancy 100% Your husband and children have to be your first priority. In any case it seems like both mum and dad need more than you can give them. Can you involve a social worker, and get an evaluation for both your parents, and find out what kind of facility suits them. Having to push your mum to do everything must be very draining. Make sure your efforts are going towards her placement in a facility. You do not have to keep her with you. ((((((((hugs))))))) Joan
I think there must be an echo in here. "Time to find other living arrangements for the parents." and "Make sure your efforts are going towards her placement in a facility." That's my advice, too.

I suspect you do know what is the right thing to do, for your parents, for your family, and for yourself. It is just hard to bring yourself to do it.
Everyone is right. My husband and I are in agreement that our relationship is the most important so we can take care of ourselves and the boys.I am still waiting on a call from the area agency on aging. I will call them myself if they don't call back by the end of the day. I just know these things can take a while, and there are wait lists, etc. It feels good to be able to vocalize my thoughts in a place where people will understand, though. Thanks for the advice.
Just talking about stress helps to make it bareable. Good for you to be able to say, I don't know what to do. It shows you want to do the right thing for everybody, especially yourself and family.
Right Right Right!! Spouse first, kids next (they benefit with strong together parents) and really, let me move that board piece marked "you" to the top/front of the list. When each spouse takes care of themselves the relationship benefits as well so you can't come at the end as an afterthought. You are dealing with grown ups who if they are not of sound mind, you can force to do what needs to be done to keep them safe and dry, or if they are mentally ok but just resistant, it is up to them. Do you recall the mantra "Don't give advice to anyone who isn't asking for it?" When things get bad enough some one will ask and then you have the ability to possibly facilitate changes. Not only is it unhealthy to have these people in your home while you are trying to be a somewhat normal family, with a woman so enormous I doubt you even have the ability yourself to keep her clean and attend to what she needs. They need to be in a place where they are set up to care for them and then if you really want to help them, stay involved in making sure they are attended to properly in that facility. Involvement of family is always key to making the most of that situation.
CD - How is it going? have you made any progress? Let us know.
After my loving husband died,Iwent to live with a daughter and her husband.I paid them only 200.00 amonth rent,bought my own groceries,and all personal stuff.Tried to give them privecy.Did not ask for anything paid half for things that i would get like coffee or soap,you know try not to be a burden.Then some things came up i couldn"t pay the 200 anymore,had a talk with son in law,he was not happy about it,told me bills were higher since my moving in,and wanted to know when was I going to be able to pay the 200.So i told him,when and mean while i gave him 100 a month.This all went on this past few months. Last month he told me he wanted 300 a month rent, so I had to get out put my few belongins in storage,and moved to my other daughter"shouse she is not married has 3 children,but she does not charge me any rent,of course i told her i will give her,100 a month.By the way my daughter and son in law do not have children they both work.My daughter was vey sad to see me go,but she knows tat her husband is first.Dont get me wrong,I know as we age we sometimes are a burden.I am in fairly good health,high blood pressue, bouts of depression,.I only hope life will go on.Just taking one day at a time
This is so sad. Hard to know what should have been done different. We all age and things begin to blurr. I feel good that its my husband that I am caring for but I'm older than he is. What if I go down. I asked him one time what he wanted to do if I was to suddenly die. He said, that would be hard. Both of my children are very kind and see after us to an extend but have busy lives with jobs and baby. Also live away. He has two daughter, neither one has been here for us. They no not come to see him or do anything, not even a card on fathers day. So he said no way would he want to go to live with them. What are the odds that we would die together. In a conversation with my son about that very subjuct I said, If you were to hear that we had an accident and both died don't feel like that was too much at one time. It would be the answer none of us can provide. I'm a christian and I do leave things in God's hands. Just want to know how to conduct myself in such a way that He,(God) is pleased. All of you, just look to the Lord. He is there to help.
I think I would do ANYTHING rather than live with any of my kids.

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