Life after the loss of your loved one.

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There have been so many losses on AgingCare lately...Since the loss of your loved one,How are you getting through your days?Moving foreward?Coping?What is helping you?Not helping you?How are you surviving without your dear loved one?


Luckylu, You are surviving, evident in you reaching out to help others. Best of everything to you! {{{{{{ H U G S }}}}}} ! ! !
Luckylu, I agree that life after losing our Loved ones is very difficult! I lost both of my parents when I was in my early 40's and it was extremely hard, I had finally gotten past the time where I needed their respective wisdom, in raising my kids to adulthood, and gotten to point of really enjoy just being their friend and being able to give back and help them with some of the day to day, as they had helped me so much! It was only in the previous 7 or so years, that we were able to take several trip together without kids, and before my Dads illness began limiting his ability to travel, and I lost them both only 14 months apart, when they were only 74 and 76, and I was 44 then, and I'm now 46.

I don't know that I am over it really, as right smack in the middle of losing my parents, I lost my MIL too, which brought my FIL to move into our home, and I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of dealing with old people, and I also went straight to helping my kids and one sister with their dificult grieving issues, that I don't know if I properly took the time to handle my own very well.

I guess what has helped me the most is my family, as they all hold a recognizable piece of my parents, it's like they are still here in some way, that and that as a family, we continue to share stories of when Mom and Dad were alive, and memorializing them helps to keep them in the foreground, instead of the past.

I just mentioned on here elsewhere, that I feel robbed, that my parents were too young and still so full of life! I don't understand why they had to die so young. Somehow they both ended up with life ending diseases, and it doesn't make sense. Sometimes You just never know.

I often play the what it game, which is Not healthy. My Mom died from Uterine Cancer, but ten years before her diagnosis and Cancer treatment, at about age 63, she had had some post menopausal bleeding that took her to the Dr. They did an uterine D&C, and her Dr Told us that she stopped counting polyps at 100! This has haunted me for many years, as WHY, if My Mom had had a Hysterectomy then, she might well be alive today, probable in fact, as she never took hormones or smoked! Why ever didn't we know enough to insist that more be done! How is it normal to not follow someone more closely, who had more than 100 Uterine polyps? Weren't there biopsies done? My Mom went to the same Dr, the same Medical Cooperative for all that time, yet was never told to do further follow up. I went to the majority of my Mom's Dr's appointments with her, and I never heard it mentioned. It pisses me off quite frankly, because she shouldn't have died, not from that! But we can't have what is done, but it's hard not to think "if only"... So I try to be content in my memories of them mostly, and that gets me through.
My Mom had passed back in December and I believe I got over her passing pretty fast as I was mourning her loss before she even died. Mom lost almost all of her hearing and she was legally blind, thus communications was very difficult. And boy was she stubborn, her death was a result of a serious brain injury due to a fall in my parent's home where they lived by themselves being in their mid-to-late 90's.... Mom had refused to use a walker. Mom refused caregivers. Thus I probably was angry at her denial of her age and ability. And for putting me through unbelievable amount of stress.

Now my Dad passed last week, a death that we didn't see coming... aspirating pneumonia. That was a shock as Dad was doing so well living in Memory Care, and having his favorite two professional caregivers around to fuss over him. His passing is still too new for me. I will miss our telephone calls and his weather reports [hobby], and his punster type humor. He kept his sense of humor up until the final couple of days. He was a wonderful, kind, gentle soul. Everyone loved him. This lost isn't going to be easy :(
Stacey...Thank you for everything you've said,especially about your family still being a "recognizable"piece of your parents.You know all the nursing stuff,so you are probably right about your Mother and I'd be pissed off too!But I guess the big guy upstairs has a plan and it's in His Perfect Timing.I'm sorry you lost them.It's SO hard to not have ANY parents at all anymore.We lost Dad 24 years ago,so it was just my Mom,my husband and I all those years here together and now it's just my husband and I....and just that is a huge adjustment.I am finding that a routine helps me and I still attend a grief support group once a month....It really bothers me that Iv'e lost my energy like I used to have and I wonder if I'll ever get it back.
Poor FF I feel for you. Funny but when Mom died I was in such a state of disbelief, that to be honest, I was so numb that I couldn't even grieve. Like you Frequent Flyer my Mom was very much in denial about her age and her limitations. She had always tried to be so strong after my Dad died 50 years previous that she never let herself appear weak.

I think maybe I allowed myself to believe that she would last forever cause she did such a good job of convincing everyone that she was good. When she finally succumbed to her age and her frail little body, she was gone a week later.

I find myself storing her in the back of my mind cause to think about her and remember is just too hard. I miss her so terribly that it hurts.I wonder if it will ever not hurt. To say how I am coping is basically that. Not thinking about it too much.
Which I guess that isn't coping at all is it?
Dad laid down for a nap and his heart blew up.They said that even if the paramedics were standing over him,they couldn't have saved him.I never got to say goodbye.Mother lingered for over 3 years on Hospice alone before she left.Now ,I think there is no good way,fast or slow.
FF and luckylu So sorry for your losses.

luckylu to answer your question, you don't ever get over the loss, especially if you had great loving parents. You accept, eventually, what has happened and try to live life the best you can. Holidays can be hard, if you observe them, other than that, it's just existing.
Lost Dad 3.5 years ago and I moved in to care for Mom 6 months before he died. He lingered, in and out of the hospitals, specialty care units, ICU, on life support, back to life again, back on life support, back off, back to the nursing home, on dialysis every other day for 5 hours....finally succumbed to multiple antibiotic-resistant infections that took his system down. It was a slow, painful death.

Mom passed away on July 28th of this year, after collapsing and going unresponsive at the NH. Obviously she wasn't extremely healthy - she was in a NH, after all - but she had actually been doing better just before that. The day before she died, she went out on the patio at the NH and enjoyed a picnic lunch they served while listening to local musicians. I visited her that night and she was in good spirits. The next morning, I got the call that she had fallen and was unresponsive, so I assumed the fall caused some sort of injury. Turns out she was sitting on the edge of her bed and simply collapsed to the floor. I suspect she was actually gone before she hit the floor - at least I hope so. The horrible facial / head injuries she sustained in the fall...I hope she didn't feel any of that pain.

Many people here already know most of my story, so they understand what a complicated mess of emotions this has been for me. Dad sexually abused all of us kids from birth. Mom didn't know until I told her when I was 10 years old - then she did what most women wouldn't - she made us get family counseling and stay together as a family and pretend we still had this typical American family thing going on - we were made to spend time with Dad and act like we loved him as much as we ever could have. So the effect was similar to Stockholm Syndrome - where the victim begins to form an affection for or identification with the perpetrator. We can all genuinely say we still love Dad, and that we've forgiven him for what he did, but that doesn't mean we'll ever forget. We did what we had to in order to get through until he died. The abuse stopped after I told Mom about it - but the affect on our lives will never end. I can honestly say, yes, I was sad when Dad died - but losing Mom was far worse. She made us stay with our abuser and made us make believe everything was status quo, nothing had changed and we were all just hunky-dory and one big happy family, which was kind of a form of abuse in and of itself - but I still loved her with a daughter's love.

I've had good days and bad since Mom's death. The first week was pretty awful. I cried a LOT, and it seemed just little things would set me off. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and even that was hard to deal with - I cried off and on all morning. Mom always made a big deal out of our birthdays, and all I could think was that she wasn't there to do that. My daughter was the only one of my kids that remembered my birthday, and she tried to remind my sons. One called - but only because my daughter reminded him - the other maintained his silence and I didn't hear from him. A well-meaning friend told me she understood how bittersweet this birthday must be, but to remember that I was the living legacy of my parents - and THAT really set me off. Living legacy. OMG. Another friend, apparently completely unaware how hard this could hit someone who just lost their last parent, said, "It sucks to be an orphan, doesn't it?" Then there was the friend who called 2 weeks after Mom died and wanted me to move in and care for her mother (my mom's lifelong best friend) at a rate of $500 per month. I said no immediately, despite her urging that I "think it over for a few days". Not to be put off, she called me back again a week later and wanted me to meet some guy she worked with - that he was "ready to date again". OMG - leave me alone!! Stop trying to fix me!
I can safely say I'm doing better with things most of the time, but I'll be totally honest, I'd really like to be alone and be able to focus on myself now. I don't want anyone trying to fix what's "wrong" with me right now - only time will do that.
thats one messed up story susan . ( the perverted abuse ) .
in this day and age , fortunately , your dad would have been vanquished from society and ( imo ) rightfully so .
strangely , for me , being orphaned strikes me as a very real natural order of things . the fact that ive become the family elder to many nephews,etc , etc , etc , just to keep this simple . that fact and the serious obligations that are implied , somewhat distract me from the loss of my elders .
it iz what it iz and family tragedies will go on .
i have to look like i have an iota of sense .
jakes newborn is probably going to be legit . i have guts with intuition also .
jake would want that boy to be influenced by grandpa because he knows the mother and current nuclear family is not conducive to even basic human dignity .
i have two heroin junky nephews , thats why i say ; there will be more tragedy ..

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