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Those of you who've seen my posts you know what I've been through. I hadn't visited in ten days but I went to buy milk today and bought her a beautiful potted lily, which I dropped off. She was on one of her better days and informed me that the physio had guaranteed she'd be walking again in three weeks.

She broke a hip a year ago and the surgeon told me she'd probably never walk again, which she hasn't. She cannot sit up or stand alone yet she keeps getting out of bed into her wheelchair on her own and often ends up on the floor.

The physio knows more than a surgeon? I suspect she's just guaranteed that my mother will walk in three weeks to keep her attending physio, which is a good thing, however if my mother can't walk in three weeks time (and she's now obsessing about it) all h**l will break loose.

I've noted the dates in my calendar and in three weeks time I'll be going MIA, underground, not visiting and supposedly out of town. I see the logic of keeping someone going to physio but guaranteeing something that will never happen is, in my view, very cruel.

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ba8alou I have no idea what the book was called. She tried to talk to me about it and hand me a piece of paper with the details but I refused to take it. My health has gone to pot the past two or three years. I must stay away from them all and concentrate on regaining my health and sanity.

Eyerish I drive transport for a dog rescue from time to time and, when I do, I get "Oh, do be careful. If anything happens to you what happens to me?" Soooo I could be laying in a hospital seriously injured or worse - who will run her errands? Seriously, life long she's been me, me, me, me, me. I've given up.
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I could be laying at her feet dying and her reaction would be "Who's going to run my errands now?".

LOL. This was a very funny visual, Ashlynne. :-)

Keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself and to have some peace in your life. You deserve it. I'm sure the social worker was just trying to be nice. And she probably caught you at a vulnerable moment since you had just visited your mom.

You've made some tough choices in order to heal and to care for yourself. If you don't want to be up to your ears in your mom's care let the complaints to the staff go. When your mom doesn't miraculously get up and walk in 21 days she'll find something else to obsess about if not before. And having had a parent in a NH I know from experience, as do you, that you never get a satisfactory answer to anything. The right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing in any NH in the country. You've done a great job in distancing yourself from your mom in a way that works for you and still fulfills your obligation to her. You've been successful at detaching so keep doing that not just with your mom but with the whole god-forsaken nursing home. Getting into a he-said-she-said thing with them will disrupt the peace you're trying to maintain now.

Get through the birthday and then lay low and continue to maintain a healthy distance. Healing is a process, not a destination (that sounds so corny, like a bumper sticker).
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Ash, I WANT to know the title of the book, for my own reading. Not so that you can read it. Take MY perspective here.

You can't reason with a dementia patient; that's what is so sad and tragic. I gained a better understanding of that this summer when my mom broke her hip; they did a CT of her skull, because she had fallen. Half of her brain is no longer there. It's amazing that she can talk, but not at all amazing that she doesn't "get" what's going on around her, doesn't reason in a way that we would recognize as reasoning. It's more like the "magical thinking" that 3 year olds do--if I think it (walking, getting better, having money)--it will happen. Give yourself a break and stay away for a bit. Get better and strong for the last chapter.
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Oh and she's now decided she'll only take her meds every 2 or 3 days because "they're not making me better". Nope but they're stopping you getting worse. Along with meds for Parkinsons she's on blood thinners as she's had many strokes over the years. Even taking them every day she had another stroke a few months ago and has had some mini strokes since. The staff can't force her to take her meds so I guess another full blown stroke will occur sooner or later. There's no reasoning with her at all.
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The reason I don't want the book is because dissecting and psychoanalyzing something ad infinitum only keeps it fresh. Whatever "it" is needs to be got past and let go. Every time I visit the conversation is (apart from complaints and wants - stuff she doesn't really want but just wants to see me run) is "Me, me, me, my dog & cat (who live in my house now) me, me, me, me. I could be laying at her feet dying and her reaction would be "Who's going to run my errands now?". After a visit I'm basically ill for two days. I have to go next week as it's her birthday but, after that, I'll visit infrequently.

As she's determined she's been guaranteed walking in 3 weeks, whether it's true or not, when that doesn't happen the sh*t will hit the fan and that's their problem. As I've changed my phone number and she doesn't have my cell number she can't get at me any more, driving me into the ground on a daily basis.

My life stopped five years ago and, apart from my beloved dogs, my world is empty. I'm staying away from her as much as I can and getting out to meet new people, do things that interest me and rebuild my life.
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Ash, you're hurt and angry, with good reason. But don't blame the staff. They are trying to do their jobs. Perhaps the pt told your mom something like "let's evaluate after 3 weeks and see how things are going". The social worker is trying to ease your pain. Try to see this situation from their perspective. Agree with Jeanne, your plan for staying away is a good one. What's the book, by the way? Take care of yourself.
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The conversation where the PT told your mother she would be walking in 3 weeks reminded me of something that happened today with my mother. We had the house worked on for the past week. Today she told me that the contractor said that I acted like I was getting tired of them being there. That surprised me, since I know him and we kid around. He was very welcome in the house.

I told my mother that I didn't think I had been anything but nice. She said that is what he told her, that it had been when they were in the front yard talking. That told me everything I needed to know, since she hadn't been in the front yard at any time they were there. She made the conversation up.

She does this fairly often. After she makes up a conversation, it becomes fact, so I don't even try to argue the point. I have a feeling it is common for people with dementia to do this, so please give the PT the benefit of the doubt. I suspect the PT would not want to compromise their reputation by saying something they know would not be possible. (Still I think it would be great if she could walk again.)
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Seriously, Ashlynne, I was caregiver at first long distance and then not long distance but not in my home either, dad was in skilled nursing, mom went from assisted living to hospital to post acute skilled, back to assisted living, then skilled nursing then hospice...and I was there A LOT and there at the end, only child, POA, rep payee, all that... and I was being serious about the book! I just ordered the one that someone on here wrote called what to do about mom, and I'd probably look at and order whatever one your SW suggested too. I'm just worried that you are stressing about how the NH people perceive you when all the while they probably thinking you are awesome for doing what you do, duty or otherwise... I'm trying to say there probably isn't an intentional negative at all in what they have said to you. I think Jeanne Gibbs said it better for sure. You are hurting and when you are hurting and maybe feeling guilt that you don't need to feel, I know from experience its just hard to not take stuff the wrong way.
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i never had a brother, just two sisters. they look at me like i have two heads which indeed i do.. they love me, they had a phsyco for a dad.. its sad, i want this family to come up, not stuck in the dark ages. if you dont know what the dark ages were it was a time in europe where the roman structure had collapsed and the only government was the churches. all progress, metallurgy, culture, art, all came to a grinding halt. all there was was prayer and frankly, profitable lies, based on fear.. people who sought comfort from " spiritual " drug use were murdered by the church because the church didnt like the misuse of their money.. organized religion should be outlawed but the law cant necessarily protect you from yourself..
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Ashlynne, you seem to be doing a good job of detaching from Mom, and I endorse your plan to stay out of sight on the three-week date.

I am really puzzled, though, why you are so angry with the physical therapist? You know you mother well enough to not believe everything she says. Yes, her obsession is frustrating and will cause problems in a few weeks, but why blame that on a therapist? Why do you think you should call the PT out in the presence of the owner and the admin? Sounds like Mother is still pushing your buttons, even while you are trying to detach.

If someone takes the time and trouble to recommend a book to you, you can simply say, "thanks, but I'm handling this in my own way." Why would you have to call the social worker out in the presence of the owner and the admin?

I can understand your desire to be left alone to recover and get well. Do it. If other people make suggestions you certainly are under no obligation to follow them. Hearing this crazy notion that Mom thinks she will walk in three weeks is frustrating and stressful. But it is not really your problem. You did not cause it. (Probably nobody did.) You will not be called upon to fix it. You have a good plan regarding dealing with it. So let it go. Try not to lash out at anybody who happens to get in your way.
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Pam she can't call me, that's the beauty of it. I make sure she has chocolates and cookies coming out of her ears, though she hides them because people steal them {sigh}. Can't give her booze as she's on so many meds. Captain, you're a wild man and a total treasure,. Do you have a brother? Just kidding, I prefer the solo life.

I've been doing so well yet this cr*p today has set me back and I'm in tears. Why the Sam Henry won't people leave me alone to recover and get well? I will do whatever I have to to be left in peace.
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Ok, so in three weeks, April 30th, do not take her calls and let the staff deal with her disappointment. Keep yourself clear until the dust settles. By the time you see her in May, she will have some other fantasy in her brain. Hopefully it will be positive, like this one. My MIL was a bit off last night when we saw her. So I fed her two dark chocolate mint cookies and 3 oz of Merlot. Works better than anything they can prescribe.
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ednas gonna be mad at me tho. the little jimmy truck that she loves to ride in now rides like a log wagon. lol. i got her bucket seats in there for her comfort but i gotsta have springs d**nt. we sprung that b**ch today. long story. a spring shop told me the other day that he couldnt spring a 1/2 ton truck to haul 2 tons. freaking loser. we doubled the frame, built a custom bed and poured the springs to it. we'll haul whatever the hell we want, thank you..
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eh the d**n hipaa laws make medical personel deny their own existance. i had a nurse walk in tonight while i was excising a severely ingrown toenail for aunt edna. she asked me if i drew blood. duh.. when you cut out a deeply ingrown nail there will be a speck of blood.. edna is as contrary as i am. we do pretty much what we want and hope noone likes it..
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vstefans why don;'t you read the book? My life stopped five years ago and, now, with an old house, 2 acres and animals I have better things to do. I do not want to relive, regurgitate, dissect or psychoanalyze the past. It's over, done, goodbye. Whether the PT actually said my mother will walk in 3 weeks or not, my mother totally believes it and will hang on to it regardless of what anyone says. Yeah, I take her stuff once in a while.OUT OF DUTY but, apart from that I stay as far away as possible to preserve my health and sanity. You obviously haven't been reading my posts where I got to the point, due to stress, my hair was falling out and I had a black out at 85km an hour and I changed my phone number to escape the daily torment.

Your profile states about your elders problems and demise but it doesn't say you were a caregiver for them. Care to elaborate?
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Wait a minute, why do you believe your mom about a PT saying that? I doubt they would have, they might have said work on something for three weeks and heard something she wanted to her. If the SW recommneded a specific book to you, go ahead preview it on Amazon - it might be excellent or it might be cra@p, you never know. I think she was trying to parse a recommendation with a compliment to encourage you. If you are still bringing Mom cool stuff like Easter lilies depsite all the grief she's caused you, she possibly sees you as going above and beyond. I don't think you have to feel guilty for taking time to be out of pocket when you know that Mom is well cared for and your being there more won't fix what's wrong with her. It's not them - it's not you - it's Mom!
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Pam, it's currently #1 obsession, she's like a pit bull (and I hate saying that because they are a wonderful breed, it's their humans who are nasty) and she will never listen to reason. She'll watch her calendar every day until the three weeks is up . In three weeks time when she finds she can't walk the sh*t will hit the fan and you don't want anywhere near that! She says she can get in her wheelchair and go to the bathroom (which she can't) she also said the aides said if she tries to get out of bed herself they'll smack her bottom, but she still does it so she's going to end up on the floor again all the time.

Oh and the visiting social worker, who I've spoken with a few times doe to chaos my mother was causing, cornered me in the parking lot as I left today suggesting I read a book about how "sensitive caring people" deal with abuse. Excuse me??? Dissecting it, psycho analyzing it and reliving it only keeps it fresh, when we need to get past it, let it go and rebuild our lives which is exactly what I'm doing.

I'm British, of the old school. We're a bl**dy tough lot and there's nothing we can;'t overcome. You reckon I'm going to break down into a snivelling heap for some part time social worker? Good luck with that! Sorry but I'm angry tonight, over the lies told to my mother and being treated myself like I'm a lost little child and close to looney. I'm wondering if she has private pratice and tries to lure people in for pay.

Tonight I feel that I should, in the presence of the NH owner and admin, call both the social worker and physio out, but what good would it do? They'll just deny it and close ranks. All I can do is visit occasionally and stay far away, not letting anyone get at me. I've more than paid my dues. It's my time now, time to take my life back and rebuild
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Not lies, more likely delusional thinking on the patient's part. Check that statement with the attending MD, PT and RN's. You don't need to leave town. We learned a long time ago to triple check anything Mom says.
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