Lies by nursing home staff.

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Those of you who've seen my posts you know what I've been through. I hadn't visited in ten days but I went to buy milk today and bought her a beautiful potted lily, which I dropped off. She was on one of her better days and informed me that the physio had guaranteed she'd be walking again in three weeks.

She broke a hip a year ago and the surgeon told me she'd probably never walk again, which she hasn't. She cannot sit up or stand alone yet she keeps getting out of bed into her wheelchair on her own and often ends up on the floor.

The physio knows more than a surgeon? I suspect she's just guaranteed that my mother will walk in three weeks to keep her attending physio, which is a good thing, however if my mother can't walk in three weeks time (and she's now obsessing about it) all h**l will break loose.

I've noted the dates in my calendar and in three weeks time I'll be going MIA, underground, not visiting and supposedly out of town. I see the logic of keeping someone going to physio but guaranteeing something that will never happen is, in my view, very cruel.

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ba8alou I have no idea what the book was called. She tried to talk to me about it and hand me a piece of paper with the details but I refused to take it. My health has gone to pot the past two or three years. I must stay away from them all and concentrate on regaining my health and sanity.

Eyerish I drive transport for a dog rescue from time to time and, when I do, I get "Oh, do be careful. If anything happens to you what happens to me?" Soooo I could be laying in a hospital seriously injured or worse - who will run her errands? Seriously, life long she's been me, me, me, me, me. I've given up.
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I could be laying at her feet dying and her reaction would be "Who's going to run my errands now?".

LOL. This was a very funny visual, Ashlynne. :-)

Keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself and to have some peace in your life. You deserve it. I'm sure the social worker was just trying to be nice. And she probably caught you at a vulnerable moment since you had just visited your mom.

You've made some tough choices in order to heal and to care for yourself. If you don't want to be up to your ears in your mom's care let the complaints to the staff go. When your mom doesn't miraculously get up and walk in 21 days she'll find something else to obsess about if not before. And having had a parent in a NH I know from experience, as do you, that you never get a satisfactory answer to anything. The right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing in any NH in the country. You've done a great job in distancing yourself from your mom in a way that works for you and still fulfills your obligation to her. You've been successful at detaching so keep doing that not just with your mom but with the whole god-forsaken nursing home. Getting into a he-said-she-said thing with them will disrupt the peace you're trying to maintain now.

Get through the birthday and then lay low and continue to maintain a healthy distance. Healing is a process, not a destination (that sounds so corny, like a bumper sticker).
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Ash, I WANT to know the title of the book, for my own reading. Not so that you can read it. Take MY perspective here.

You can't reason with a dementia patient; that's what is so sad and tragic. I gained a better understanding of that this summer when my mom broke her hip; they did a CT of her skull, because she had fallen. Half of her brain is no longer there. It's amazing that she can talk, but not at all amazing that she doesn't "get" what's going on around her, doesn't reason in a way that we would recognize as reasoning. It's more like the "magical thinking" that 3 year olds do--if I think it (walking, getting better, having money)--it will happen. Give yourself a break and stay away for a bit. Get better and strong for the last chapter.
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Oh and she's now decided she'll only take her meds every 2 or 3 days because "they're not making me better". Nope but they're stopping you getting worse. Along with meds for Parkinsons she's on blood thinners as she's had many strokes over the years. Even taking them every day she had another stroke a few months ago and has had some mini strokes since. The staff can't force her to take her meds so I guess another full blown stroke will occur sooner or later. There's no reasoning with her at all.
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The reason I don't want the book is because dissecting and psychoanalyzing something ad infinitum only keeps it fresh. Whatever "it" is needs to be got past and let go. Every time I visit the conversation is (apart from complaints and wants - stuff she doesn't really want but just wants to see me run) is "Me, me, me, my dog & cat (who live in my house now) me, me, me, me. I could be laying at her feet dying and her reaction would be "Who's going to run my errands now?". After a visit I'm basically ill for two days. I have to go next week as it's her birthday but, after that, I'll visit infrequently.

As she's determined she's been guaranteed walking in 3 weeks, whether it's true or not, when that doesn't happen the sh*t will hit the fan and that's their problem. As I've changed my phone number and she doesn't have my cell number she can't get at me any more, driving me into the ground on a daily basis.

My life stopped five years ago and, apart from my beloved dogs, my world is empty. I'm staying away from her as much as I can and getting out to meet new people, do things that interest me and rebuild my life.
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Ash, you're hurt and angry, with good reason. But don't blame the staff. They are trying to do their jobs. Perhaps the pt told your mom something like "let's evaluate after 3 weeks and see how things are going". The social worker is trying to ease your pain. Try to see this situation from their perspective. Agree with Jeanne, your plan for staying away is a good one. What's the book, by the way? Take care of yourself.
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The conversation where the PT told your mother she would be walking in 3 weeks reminded me of something that happened today with my mother. We had the house worked on for the past week. Today she told me that the contractor said that I acted like I was getting tired of them being there. That surprised me, since I know him and we kid around. He was very welcome in the house.

I told my mother that I didn't think I had been anything but nice. She said that is what he told her, that it had been when they were in the front yard talking. That told me everything I needed to know, since she hadn't been in the front yard at any time they were there. She made the conversation up.

She does this fairly often. After she makes up a conversation, it becomes fact, so I don't even try to argue the point. I have a feeling it is common for people with dementia to do this, so please give the PT the benefit of the doubt. I suspect the PT would not want to compromise their reputation by saying something they know would not be possible. (Still I think it would be great if she could walk again.)
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Seriously, Ashlynne, I was caregiver at first long distance and then not long distance but not in my home either, dad was in skilled nursing, mom went from assisted living to hospital to post acute skilled, back to assisted living, then skilled nursing then hospice...and I was there A LOT and there at the end, only child, POA, rep payee, all that... and I was being serious about the book! I just ordered the one that someone on here wrote called what to do about mom, and I'd probably look at and order whatever one your SW suggested too. I'm just worried that you are stressing about how the NH people perceive you when all the while they probably thinking you are awesome for doing what you do, duty or otherwise... I'm trying to say there probably isn't an intentional negative at all in what they have said to you. I think Jeanne Gibbs said it better for sure. You are hurting and when you are hurting and maybe feeling guilt that you don't need to feel, I know from experience its just hard to not take stuff the wrong way.
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i never had a brother, just two sisters. they look at me like i have two heads which indeed i do.. they love me, they had a phsyco for a dad.. its sad, i want this family to come up, not stuck in the dark ages. if you dont know what the dark ages were it was a time in europe where the roman structure had collapsed and the only government was the churches. all progress, metallurgy, culture, art, all came to a grinding halt. all there was was prayer and frankly, profitable lies, based on fear.. people who sought comfort from " spiritual " drug use were murdered by the church because the church didnt like the misuse of their money.. organized religion should be outlawed but the law cant necessarily protect you from yourself..
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Ashlynne, you seem to be doing a good job of detaching from Mom, and I endorse your plan to stay out of sight on the three-week date.

I am really puzzled, though, why you are so angry with the physical therapist? You know you mother well enough to not believe everything she says. Yes, her obsession is frustrating and will cause problems in a few weeks, but why blame that on a therapist? Why do you think you should call the PT out in the presence of the owner and the admin? Sounds like Mother is still pushing your buttons, even while you are trying to detach.

If someone takes the time and trouble to recommend a book to you, you can simply say, "thanks, but I'm handling this in my own way." Why would you have to call the social worker out in the presence of the owner and the admin?

I can understand your desire to be left alone to recover and get well. Do it. If other people make suggestions you certainly are under no obligation to follow them. Hearing this crazy notion that Mom thinks she will walk in three weeks is frustrating and stressful. But it is not really your problem. You did not cause it. (Probably nobody did.) You will not be called upon to fix it. You have a good plan regarding dealing with it. So let it go. Try not to lash out at anybody who happens to get in your way.
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