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My family has always made me the scapegoat since I was a young child. I had no support, encouragement or love from my mother. She convinced and encouraged family to ostracize me.
When I got married my husband abused me constantly and also seriously assassinated my character. I have been away in a new state for 25 years away from him and family. Problem: Now my adult children are treating me the same way the family did, lies and ostracized. I have no one now, and I have a hard time trusting. What do I do???? People like me and want to be friends but I don't know how to let my guard down.

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I do that writing down in a journal and talk at length w therapist about what I am good at. Gratefulness and all.

When I slow down and speak carefully and simply to my mom, she gets mad and starts yelling at me for making sense.

Exercise in futility. Only way out is to leave.

I forgive all the time and yet it doesnt get easier to live as an abused caretaker.
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I was always mistreated my one of my sisters all my life. It wasn't till I became responsible for my Mom's care that my other siblings admitted to me that they always noticed how she treated me. She started to ease off a bit and we actually went out to lunch a couple of times after my Mom died and I was all prepared to think she had changed until another sister accompanied us to lunch and there she was, at it again. Belittling me, trying to make me feel small, taking credit for things that I did, not her.

I know God expects us to forgive and I suppose I have but it doesn't mean I have to hang out with her. That I'm not prepared to do.
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This is Jeopardy? And The Answer Is: Who Is Known As Phoenix!
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5 Things:
Shares really good recipes with others, writes them out.
Writes and shares poems and has a very funny attitude about life.
Keeps her home shiny clean and safe.
Perseveres under the most difficult caregiving circumstances.
Teaches others in many areas of life, including job skills.

Has anyone actually listed 5 things?
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Phoenixdaughter offered a good tip, so you can teach yourself: She says:
I have a tip for all of us that are feeling emotional ...at whatever time it is we feel emotional and about how to improve the way we feel about ourselves Let me predicate this with if you don't feel good about yourself how can you live the life you truly are worthy of?
Now I am also going to say it aint an easy task...trust me I struggle with it every day.
For a whole week write down on a post it note and stick on your fridge 5 things that you were good at today. Day one I managed one thing but was determined that by the end of the week I would be able to do 5 things well. Oh and they cannot be the same five things so different things every day and you have to be able to do a whole week with 5 every day.
Well it was a nightmare but eventually I got there and now I have 35 things (plus a few others I gained en route) that I know I do well..
These are my building blocks - the longer you do it the higher the blocks become and you start looking to yourself to do things well each and every day and wow all of a sudden that becomes your mantra.
Let me start you off..... I spent 30 minutes today giving myself a pedicure and it made me feel good
I have learned how to mix massage oils and have made one that smells amazing and will relax me
I smiled and did not bite when Mum ranted and started speaking in a kind way and very very slowly and found she calmed down too
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Don't let your guard down until you have done the work in knowing who you are and who is deserving of your inner beauty. There is community in self help programs without losing yourself to becoming the oft source for leaning on. You need to have someone to lean on with without being taken advantage of. A therapist and group is the safest place. Until you become stronger in trusting yourself and able to set clear, firm, boundaries. This way you don't get dragged into being a doormat (by those who smell it a mile away) - and you can get the hell up off the floor
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Happened to m e. I am the black sheep scapegoat. Divorced from a cold person. Because I saw it modeling the behavior for my 2 now adult children. Estranged from them for yrs but now saw them a couple of times but it has not changed whereby they are seeking me out to any greatly changed degree. By phone w my daughter - not so mch from my son - they treat me the way my ex and my parents and siblings do.

Look - you know this. Trying to change them is not going to work. I had to save my life by going to 12 step as my mom is a LT alcoholic and my dad a narcissistic enabler. The minions are anyone in the family who uphold my dad as a great person - a saint - and tout lies about how I am a POS. This is the textbook dynamic of a sick, abusive family that operates in often covert ways. You did not create it and you certainly are NOT at fault for its persistence. Counseling may help you to survive but the real work comes from programs like ACOA which also help remediate the pain people like us feel. We don't focus on the sick people needing to change other than ourselves. Their behavior is wrong and it is something we have ALWAYS known, but we are the punching bag that holds them in their roles to which the grand pubah has formulated and upheld.

You did not create it and you cannot cure it but you can learn what the hell you are dealing with through a 12 step in taking responsibility for what you do NOW. Finding it is safe to talk and be allowed to speak your mind without ridicule or interruption is KEY as many of us are not accustomed to such basics within our family of origin.
You are a SURVIVOR - don't buy into the armchair psychobabble that you can escape this by running. It follows you. Your ex did not likely start this way but grew momentum in your family's willingness to throw snow to that snowball growing and aiming it at your head. Your kids got their training from the power of strength in numbers against the target...target is you.

The sick thing about it - you are the one left to care for people who never cared for you. Guess what that does to the remaining vestiges of your psyche? Utter destruction. This was a recipe of sheer self hatred by the narcissist in your family. They hate themselves and set it up so that the scapegoat can distract and take away the responsibility of accountability from those who heap their crap onto you. Pretty soon you begin to side with your "captors" and feel so badly as a human. You give up bit by bit and continue to try to gain their love and approval through taking their abuse and doing more to get the love you have a right to, but denied.

Nothing you do is good enough. Nothing you do will stop their sick shit because it is that profound and not in your control.

What is in your control? Being the amazing person a scapegoat often is despite all outward news sources. It means connecting with yourself through self help, therapy and meditation. KNOWING who you are deep inside. The truth teller is often the target but you know damned well they don't want to face what they have done to you. So don't expect them to smack their collective foreheads in the AHA moment you are owed. In fact, the more you enforce your boundaries, the less support you will have in doing so because it upsets their natural order of being and requires them to navigate new waters...one which would require looking anywhere but at you for hurting.

You can only change yourself and live by example. We don't get the family we want all the time. But we have the option of reconciling this and getting to know the real beauty within ourselves and knowing the truth about who we are - not what a bunch of minions insist we are or become....

People who are scapegoats and caregivers are at a distinct and dangerous disadvantage in terms of mental health. The rate of depression, anxiety, panic, OCD, social anxiety and suicide risk increases without support in continued roles whereby we have no validating source such as a therapist or step program.

GET HELP for yourself. If your kids don't change, be the example and detach. It may work as they are half of you and not a lost cause like others may be. Without help, they won't improve, either. They need to recover from the effects as well.

HUGS
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I have a similar situation. I found a good church I go to the senior center and interact with seniors. I have looked for places that need me such as the hospice center. I went to work. My advice for you is to find places and people who need you. They are out there you just have to look for them.
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OHi CyndiT,

You know, you can still call the Steve Wilkos show as an adult, there have been other survivors who have face very similar situations as yours and they have come on the show as adults to confront their abusers and other related offenders. This would expose them and prevent any future offenses from happening to other children or other vulnerable people.

You mentioned your mom moving you guys around. Do you think it's possible CPS may have been looking for you guys due to some anonymous report and your mom found out and moved you? This is a possibility I thought of because I know of a couple who actually hid their kids and stayed on the run quite a while and dodged the CPS for I don't know how many months until CPS finally found the kids and caught up with them at the grandma's house not far from the CPS!

Another thought is maybe suspicious neighbors caught on to what was going on and started putting the heat on your mom, which could've made her pack and move. This actually happened with me when my abusive mom moved with me and dad near unsuspecting neighbors in another town. My experience and observations is why I bring up these thoughts because I've not only observe things, but I also experienced things. Maybe your mom could have stayed on the move to keep from being detected or caught. If you've ever heard the term of trying to hit a moving target, this is what I was thinking from your description of being moved around by your mom. If someone stays on the run and moves around a lot, I guess I wouldn't think anything of it unless I saw or heard something suspicious. I can see if you travel around for work or even school, but if you're not involved in either of those, I don't know of many other reasons why parents would keep up ruining their families, especially children, just rip them up and move just like that. This is hard on the kids sooner or later because if I happen to be involved in school or have close relationships, this can be especially traumatizing to be ripped away from everything you know and like only to be taken by a "cheap hooker" to a house full of drug addicts and sex predators.

Your story really needs to be heard, and I strongly encourage you to either call Steve Wilkos, Dr. Phil, or even the Jeremy Kyle show. Your story really needs to be shared because I'm sure there are others out there who are still trapped in the same kind of trap you were trapped in, and I strongly encourage you to be there voice because there are some out there who have no voice. Please consider sharing airing your story and being the voice for other children and other vulnerable people at various stages who may also be trapped and such a situation as you were in.

We come out on the other side of the storm for a reason, and even if you were to write a book, that would also be a big help. If you have a YouTube channel, you can also use that to your advantage and get your story out there. I'm considering some stories of my own as I let it roll around in my head. Videos seem to be the way to go these days because people are getting away from hardcopy books to some point. We're in the digital age, and more and more people can now find it easier and easier to self publish their first book or even a video. It's easier and easier to get published now more than ever, and I strongly encourage you to explore your options because your story really needs to be heard. Please consider it for all of the other victims out there who are still trapped, please consider being there voice because you came out on the other side for a reason, and I believe this is it. You should be the voice for all the others out there who have no voice but are still trapped and maybe even be a voice for those who may have died while trapped. Abuse of anyone of any age is unacceptable. Saying nothing is the same as letting it go on. Now that my abusers are dead, I can now use their real names since I now have documentation and proof of what happened. All of my relatives are dead, so all stops are up, nothing hidden, not even names or locations of where things happened. Even if you don't remember a thing I said later on, at very least try to remember those without a voice who are still trapped. Children and vulnerable adults who can speak up but are trapped by abuse will start finding the courage to speak up, fight back, and escape to safety. The more people hear what they need to hear, the more likely they'll start being able to stand up for themselves and even help others. The more we speak up, the more lives we can save
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Ah, today is going to be a good day! Dh came inside by himself. (A first in a long time!) We are caught up and back on schedule, he had breakfast and is hitting the shower, soon!
We will be out of here by 1:00 p.m.! (goal).
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Send, to the rescue now, before it's too late. Your heat is worse than our heat, and even if he's used to it, caution is the byword. Heat stroke can happen all too easily.
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I spent 30 minutes wondering when I should shut down my kindle and go outside to rescue my dH from working in the heat. It's not that hot yet, is it?
His reward will be his favorite in-n-out for lunch. A trip to his chiropractor. A haircut too!
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waits to see if send can keep this up for a week - its not easy!!!!!!
Giggles xxxxxx love ya hun
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5 Things:
Shares really good recipes with others, writes them out.
Writes and shares poems and has a very funny attitude about life.
Keeps her home shiny clean and safe.
Perseveres under the most difficult caregiving circumstances.
Teaches others in many areas of life, including job skills.
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CyndiT,

I forgot to mention that where you mentioned your mom having been a "cheap hooker" and having various strange men living with her, you're very lucky if none of the man tried anything with you because people like that who let strange man around their kids often get their kids molested or even raped where as others also go missing before being killed. I saw a very sad story on the Steve Wilkos show about a very sad story very similar to yours, and that man the mom was dating for just a few weeks turned out to be a monster who sexually violated her child. Yes, the man turned out to be a sex predator (or should I say a pedophile?). The lady was so upset when she found out through a lie detector test and she even had medical treatment backstage from the medics. Having found out your own child was violated would be enough for anyone to get upset if you truly love your child, and this lady does. However, she let this man around her kids too soon. The beautiful thing about it is this was a lesson learned because now she's taking all the right steps to protect her child against a repeat. She seemed pretty young and I think she may have been new to the dating world and this may have been her first child also
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I have a tip for all of us that are feeling emotional ...at whatever time it is we feel emotional and about how to improve the way we feel about ourselves Let me predicate this with if you don't feel good about yourself how can you live the life you truly are worthy of?

Now I am also going to say it aint an easy task...trust me I struggle with it every day.

For a whole week write down on a post it note and stick on your fridge 5 things that you were good at today. Day one I managed one thing but was determined that by the end of the week I would be able to do 5 things well. Oh and they cannot be the same five things so different things every day and you have to be able to do a whole week with 5 every day.

Well it was a nightmare but eventually I got there and now I have 35 things (plus a few others I gained en route) that I know I do well..

These are my building blocks - the longer you do it the higher the blocks become and you start looking to yourself to do things well each and every day and wow all of a sudden that becomes your mantra.

Let me start you off..... I spent 30 minutes today giving myself a pedicure and it made me feel good
I have learned how to mix massage oils and have made one that smells amazing and will relax me
I smiled and did not bite when Mum ranted and started speaking in a kind way and very very slowly and found she calmed down too
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CyndiT,

I fully understand how you feel about not having the well needed love, support, and nurturing from family. My parents were abusive so I understand, I've been there and know what it is to not trust anyone and live much of your life with severe trust issues. I'm going to tell you a little secret that I think you unlocked in my subconscious mess as to the main reason why I never married:

If you recall how you said something about not marrying well, that's also my secret as to why I never married and i'm not likely to ever have kids either. I'm not saying that miracles don't happen, they do every day so I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens in my future. Anyway, as an abuse survivor, by rescue marked my commitment to stay safe and never again land in another abusive relationship, which means I don't want to marry an abuser. My standards are very high for a reason because I want to weed out all the Mr. wrongs, bringing be much closer to Mr. right. I won't lower my standards at all, and I don't mind dying waiting since I don't care one way or the other if I ever marry. I know marriage can be risky, I've heard too many nightmares from people who have divorced for various reasons. I guess the reason why so many people are staying single is for safety among other legit reasons. In fact, we're in the end times. One of the signs is forbidding to marry, and another sure sign is the love of many has waxed cold, meaning people just don't want to each other anymore like they used to. These are sure signs we are in the end times, and I'll give you another clue that greed is on the rise among other things. This is why we must stand up for moral and biblical values by calling out people who are doing wrong as well as things that are going on. We must be the squeaky wheel when we see wrong being done and not back down until things are made right. This is exactly how we can regain a healthy society one life at a time by starting with ourselves. It starts with us, it starts at home
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As hard as it may be to hear this, if anyone is going to treat you bad, you don't need them. Putting myself in your shoes, I personally would definitely exclude them from my will. If I can't love you and cherish you know now when they have the chance, they shouldn't get anything when you're gone because they probably won't appreciate it anyway. There are far more deserving people you can will stuff to and even give money. Not everyone is going to treat you bad and learning from a Christian counselor is who I would definitely recommend for you because they'll steer you down the right path and teach you how to trust. I'll give you one clue that I learned from a Christian counselor:

Don't trust everyone no matter what, only trust people as far as they've proven themselves trustworthy. You don't want to have a blind trust that will get you in trouble

Don't have an aggressive mistrust either, this could prove to be very detrimental to you. There are times you'll know deep down when someone who is trustworthy because you'll know it right off the bat. This is because they were sent by God for your benefit and you will know deep down that they are safe at least for the task they were sent for. Trust them for that purpose.

If you were to have an aggressive mistrust of trusting no one whatsoever, this could be very detrimental if you ever landed in a life and death emergency. Will you trust medical personnel to help you or even first responders? The answer is probably yes especially if you were broken and bleeding from a car wreck. I'm not saying that every first responder will be trustworthy, but thank God public servants who show corruption can be reported to proper channels such as your state safety department and other reliable resources.

Using the examples I'm sharing with you is what a Christian counselor taught me, the basic thing is to learn how to have a perceptive address where you trust people only as far as they've proven themselves trustworthy, this is the main idea. Learn to listen to your gut feeling because the gut feelings are usually right. So many people never learn to listen to those gut feelings and they think those gut feelings are just all in their heads until too many things add up that your gut feeling was warning you about before something happened. This is why your gut feeling can even keep you out of danger and steer you out of danger if you get into danger. Learn to rely on that gut feeling because it's God trying to use those gut feelings too tell you stuff as you need to know it at those times. So many people don't even recognize those gut feelings as God speaking to them, which is sad because God's people perish for lack of knowledge, don't be one of them!
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$300/hr.
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Thank you DDDuck it's true I am a pushover when it comes to my kids. But I'm tired of the rollercoaster, you love me when I'm helping, and hate me when I don't and I am not kidding about these extremes. It was the same with my mom and siblings. I am scared to trust anyone.I'm a bad judge of character. I know I need therapy but I have to find one I can work with. I wish you well and thanks again.
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Appling, it is sad and painful to be treated this way. Your story helps me because I see myself in the same boat and river. Gardenartist and Phoenixdaughter hit the nail on the head. It is sad but certain people read the signs well and use it. Ive noticed in myself that Im so used to wrong treatment that I dont respond appropriately at first sign of it from anyone and its a signal. Not to say Im a pushover but at times I know my reaction is bland and incorrect or over done in cases of mistreatment. I know that therapy is the right option for help. I also know that it has to be the right person using the right tools. I am working on options for help also. I wish you luck in your pursuit to healing.
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Wow, great answers and advice.
I do need to stop letting the past stop me. I also feel the same as Sassasie
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If I were you - you made it for 25 yrs away your ex & family - distant yourself from your children as well! Your children should have respect for you !
I would live in a secure building have a private phone number plus call display
Make a living will & a will & make your lawyer & associates POA over your health & well being.You at least know that as you age you will be looked after if you should have to be placed in a nursing home.Leave your children a $1:00 each & give any money's to your church or a charity of your choice.That is my opinion
Only!! Enjoy life to the fullest ,Join a ladies afternoon group ,or an evening group
To go dancing , bowling .You will have friends all around you.💕You have did well for yourself all these years .Good luck on your new journey .💕
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you know what a therapist would say ?
" that'll be 125 . 00 an hour " .
losers .
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Applying you really have to spring clean the skeletons out of that closet. I had an amazing helper who took me back (not forward initially) from the later behaviour back to the very very dark places in my early life. I learned to shine a torch on those dark places and examined them in detail trying to explain in my words what I thought was happening. Then she posed questions that made me rethink the events. No explanations as to why those things happened to me - none were needed but a light showing me that with the right thinking everything is possible.

Hard as it is don't be a poor me poor me pour me another type of person. Learn through examining the things that happened see that they were not your fault nor were they your responsibility. You cannot change the actions of others always but you can decide that they are not healthy for you now. xxx It will be a long hard road but the only way to stop being a victim of the past is to remove it from your future xxx
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Thank you all so much. I really appreciate all your input. I have been on antidepressants in the past and I guess it time to go back Into threapy( which seemed to keep me in those badtimes I don't want to re-
live it again even talking about it, this is the kind of therapy I had. It didn't help) I will explore some options, any ideas??
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GA is right if you have learned this behaviour you will need help to unlearn it and it isn't a quick fix. It took me 8 years to change but now I tend to be like a dog with a rat! Child neglect/abuse has far reaching tentacles and seeing the difference between what is real and what you think is real takes a lot of adjustment. Take your time do the whole programme IN YOUR TIME not someone else and be the new you - trust me it will be worth it. By the way you will still have down days you will still make errors but you will have the tools to handle them AND THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE
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Appling, think about it from this perspective: your family ( and I assume you include your parents and siblings), then your husband and now your children treat you with disrespect and are abusive. Do you see the pattern?

This is in part learned behavior, with the family taking clues from your own behavior. That's not to say that you're inviting it, but the family sense that you will tolerate it and they can get away with it.

I don't normally suggest someone gets counseling, but I think some is in order to address self esteem issues and why this has occurred for so many years. A therapist can help you see yourself in a better, stronger light, so you can stand up to your abusers.
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What you describe is definitely a sign of abuse and you need to report it
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I am so sorry that your children are treating you this way. Is that encouraged by their father, I suppose?

Are you getting some counselling? You certainly deserve some! Of course you have trouble trusting. Goodness, when would you have learned to trust?
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