Lies and isolation.

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My family has always made me the scapegoat since I was a young child. I had no support, encouragement or love from my mother. She convinced and encouraged family to ostracize me.
When I got married my husband abused me constantly and also seriously assassinated my character. I have been away in a new state for 25 years away from him and family. Problem: Now my adult children are treating me the same way the family did, lies and ostracized. I have no one now, and I have a hard time trusting. What do I do???? People like me and want to be friends but I don't know how to let my guard down.

30 Comments

I am so sorry that your children are treating you this way. Is that encouraged by their father, I suppose?

Are you getting some counselling? You certainly deserve some! Of course you have trouble trusting. Goodness, when would you have learned to trust?
What you describe is definitely a sign of abuse and you need to report it
Appling, think about it from this perspective: your family ( and I assume you include your parents and siblings), then your husband and now your children treat you with disrespect and are abusive. Do you see the pattern?

This is in part learned behavior, with the family taking clues from your own behavior. That's not to say that you're inviting it, but the family sense that you will tolerate it and they can get away with it.

I don't normally suggest someone gets counseling, but I think some is in order to address self esteem issues and why this has occurred for so many years. A therapist can help you see yourself in a better, stronger light, so you can stand up to your abusers.
GA is right if you have learned this behaviour you will need help to unlearn it and it isn't a quick fix. It took me 8 years to change but now I tend to be like a dog with a rat! Child neglect/abuse has far reaching tentacles and seeing the difference between what is real and what you think is real takes a lot of adjustment. Take your time do the whole programme IN YOUR TIME not someone else and be the new you - trust me it will be worth it. By the way you will still have down days you will still make errors but you will have the tools to handle them AND THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE
Thank you all so much. I really appreciate all your input. I have been on antidepressants in the past and I guess it time to go back Into threapy( which seemed to keep me in those badtimes I don't want to re-
live it again even talking about it, this is the kind of therapy I had. It didn't help) I will explore some options, any ideas??
Applying you really have to spring clean the skeletons out of that closet. I had an amazing helper who took me back (not forward initially) from the later behaviour back to the very very dark places in my early life. I learned to shine a torch on those dark places and examined them in detail trying to explain in my words what I thought was happening. Then she posed questions that made me rethink the events. No explanations as to why those things happened to me - none were needed but a light showing me that with the right thinking everything is possible.

Hard as it is don't be a poor me poor me pour me another type of person. Learn through examining the things that happened see that they were not your fault nor were they your responsibility. You cannot change the actions of others always but you can decide that they are not healthy for you now. xxx It will be a long hard road but the only way to stop being a victim of the past is to remove it from your future xxx
you know what a therapist would say ?
" that'll be 125 . 00 an hour " .
losers .
If I were you - you made it for 25 yrs away your ex & family - distant yourself from your children as well! Your children should have respect for you !
I would live in a secure building have a private phone number plus call display
Make a living will & a will & make your lawyer & associates POA over your health & well being.You at least know that as you age you will be looked after if you should have to be placed in a nursing home.Leave your children a $1:00 each & give any money's to your church or a charity of your choice.That is my opinion
Only!! Enjoy life to the fullest ,Join a ladies afternoon group ,or an evening group
To go dancing , bowling .You will have friends all around you.💕You have did well for yourself all these years .Good luck on your new journey .💕
Wow, great answers and advice.
I do need to stop letting the past stop me. I also feel the same as Sassasie
Appling, it is sad and painful to be treated this way. Your story helps me because I see myself in the same boat and river. Gardenartist and Phoenixdaughter hit the nail on the head. It is sad but certain people read the signs well and use it. Ive noticed in myself that Im so used to wrong treatment that I dont respond appropriately at first sign of it from anyone and its a signal. Not to say Im a pushover but at times I know my reaction is bland and incorrect or over done in cases of mistreatment. I know that therapy is the right option for help. I also know that it has to be the right person using the right tools. I am working on options for help also. I wish you luck in your pursuit to healing.

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