Legally dealing with an unwanted non-familial care participant.

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Hello, This is my first time posting here. My mom has early onset alzheimer's and is still in the early stages of things. My sister and I are her primary caretakers, though I do not live in the same state as they do (they are located in NJ). My sister just moved in with my mom to help take care of her as her abilities slowly decline. My mom's companion of the last decade is making what is already a difficult situation even more stressful for everyone, including my mom. My mom is a very passive person and allowed him to be involved as much as he wanted early on. My sister and I were against his being involved in her care at all from the get go as they are not married and do not live together. Really, they have a companionship type friendship. That is fine, but he has continued to overstep his bounds. My mom no longer has the ability to tell him to stop interfering as her language abilities continue to decline. He refuses to listen to my sister or I and continually disrespects our place in our mother's life, as children and as caretakers. He has taken to spreading outright lies amongst my mom's sister and brothers and their respective husbands and wives. If that weren't bad enough, some of them have actually bought into what he's telling them without bothering to verify if what he's saying has any merit (the older generation is and large uneducated in my family). My mom can't/won't break their friendship despite him causing her a lot of stress and hurt and my sister and I are stuck in the middle getting crapped on by everyone no matter what we do. Many of the plans we've made or steps we've taken to get my mom's affairs in order and to provide her with care have been derailed by this one person. It's becoming unbearable for my sister to deal with and I often find myself in a rage just thinking about this person. My mom is not yet incompetent, but it's only a matter of time. We already know we will file for legal guardianship when the time comes, but we have no idea how to deal with this person in a legal manner for the time being. My mom has made it clear to him that she wants my sister and I as her caretakers. She enjoys his companionship when he isn't railing into her about how her daughters are terrible people. It is truly a very difficult situation to be in as we won't abandon our mother in her time of need, but cannot seem to accomplish a thing while this person continues to be in her life. My sister is talking about moving out of state in the next year and taking my mom along with her. That would mean selling her house in NJ. We are not her POA, my mom decided to appoint her sister-in-law to that post, who admittedly is very good with finances and is generally trustworthy. However, she is one of the people who has bought into the lies. I have lived out of my home state for about a decade and am no longer close to most of my extended family. In fact, I've not interacted much with my mom's chosen companion other than through emails which were mainly logistical in nature. My sister and I are planning a family sit-down with my mom's companion present when I go home to visit next. I don't think it'll accomplish much, but we're going to do it anyways. Does anyone have any advice, legal or otherwise, about how to deal with this person in the immediate and in the long-term futures? We are at a total loss and cannot stand to see our mother stressed out and feeling so down about the family situation he is continuing to cause. It's not good for her health. My intuition suspects he wants to push my sister and I out of our mom's life so he can be her caretaker and take over all her assets (he did this with an ailing aunt of his). I refuse to allow that to happen, so it won't, but he is trying very hard to ruin the last years we have with our mom and it is really toxic to my sister and I. Please help!


your mother has had years to decide the lesser of evils for a poa . she has reasons for her choice and a good judge wont question those reasons . he has no right to , it isnt his life and the elder is likely older than him ( her ) self .
some of our hospice workers ( all knowing b*tches ) were less than satisfied with me as a primary caregiver too . i told em fantasy was one thing , but here in real time im IT . deal with it .,.
I don't object to my mom's choice of POA, but her choice of companion is causing a lot of problems and we have no idea how to deal with him. The usual, you need to respect our role(s), talk has done nothing. With my mom's increasing confusion it's causing a lot of issues in getting care set up. Example: we had set up a family friend who is also an eldercare professional to come by and assist my mom twice per week at a very discounted hourly rate. She would help my mom, who can no longer drive, go food shopping, go to dr appts, go see friends, clean the house, make food, etc. My mom's companion told her it was too expensive and that she didn't need the assistance. Meanwhile, he's not around to help. But for whatever reason she decided to listen to him and told the family friend not to assist any longer. This is an issue as my sister works full time and cannot be there during the days to help my mom with any of these things that our family friend was helping with. And her companion does not help in any way whatsoever with her care. Then he'll turn around and go "look, they leave their mother home alone all day," to my mom's brothers and sister. This is just one example of the problems he is actively creating.
My first thought was to get a restraining order against him, but it might come down to a "she said, he said" issue for a judge to determine whether or not to grand an ex parte order (PPO - Personal Protection Order).

It's the only way I can think of to legally restrain him from contact.

He is engaging in some lying, which might rise to the level of slander, but I doubt if those to whom he lies would get involved in providing Affidavits that could support this charge.

He is a bad influence on her, interferes in family plans that are for her good, and his presence is detrimental to her welfare.

Unfortunately, your mother has allowed him in her life. But there is a possibility that even if her Alzheimer's has progressed to the stage that she's not able to determine what's best for her, she doesn't realize that he's a bad influence. I think that would be the strongest case for getting a PPO.

While she may have enabled his presence earlier, she may at this time not be able to make the distinction that he is not a positive influence. That might be another factor to cite in any PPO application.

If you do try for one, include in the no contact restrictions "any and all existing and/or future places of abode"....something like that, to address any facility(ies) in which she may eventually reside.

my youngest son will be my spokesperson because he is radical . social norms make him suspicious . he listens instead of dictating . to outsiders he might seem absurd . its the outsiders / normals who are absurd . i want the free thinker for my poa .
im stashing small assets in various places . to get from one to the other the poa is going to have to comply with my requests .
i was born in the dark but it wasnt last night ..
oh my . in reading my last post its become obvious to me that i intend to be a control freak even after im no longer on the earth .
legacy / smegacy .
typo ;
My advice would be to visit for a week, with an open mind, and observe his interaction before you rush to confront him. It's pretty hard to get a clear picture when you are not actually there. You may be quite surprised at the amount of decline she has. It may be time for Guardian status.
An elder can "showtime" on the phone, sound really good to out of state relatives, then when they would visit, there was a "WHOA" moment. They would realize only by being with her, how bad she had gotten and how delusional she was.
Hi, pamstegma, I spent the winter there up through February and really got to see first hand what his influence is on her. He calls her upwards of 5 times per day, mostly to talk about nothing, but at times I witnessed him telling her to do things against her own wishes or rails into her about what terrible people her children are and how they are not trustworthy. Her comprehension and abilities vary day to day, but she is not yet incompetent.

Though you're right, GardenArtist, she doesn't understand that he is a bad influence or that she is being manipulated by him. Hell, her healthy siblings don't recognize that they're being manipulated by him. My sis and I took our mom to visit family overseas this past fall and it was then I found out that he had told her to stop taking one of her medications prescribed by her neurologist. And she did, without consulting her doctor! Of course, when I got to NJ for the season, the first thing I did was set up an appt with her neurologist and told him about the incident and asked him to make note of it in her medical files. I wasn't really sure if we had a strong enough case against him since our mom is not incompetant, though she may be losing abilities. But you bring up some good points and I am going to talk to the lawyer about it in addition to filing for guardianship now. I have one cousin, who was the short-term caretaker mentioned previously, who has agreed to write an affidavit regarding incidents she's witnessed while caring for my mom and my mom's abilities. It's so sad that we are forced to go to that place, legally, because I know if he weren't a presence in her life none of this would be going on.
Find an eldercare attorney ASAP. Find out if your local senior center can help you find more about this issue or refer to a good attorney. Good to her doctor and tell him about the situation ASAP. Find out what Adult Protective Services can do for you.
One suggestion. Condense your story into key points, including who he is, how he came to be part of your mother's life and the actions that have jepordized your mother's health and well-being.
My advice is just off the top of my head and it's the first thing that comes to mind - and it might sound a bit dorky and tedious. I think the family meeting, including the companion, is an excellent idea. However putting myself in your shoes I would probably loss my temper pretty early on in the meeting - as soon as the companion spoke most likely. So my advice - prepare! Read a book on conflict management. Consider all the factors needed for this meeting to be successful. Things as small as home court advantage and bigger things like how to keep your cool and be able to get said everything that needs saying. Prepare ahead for solutions to over come objections and so on. I think this is your first and best chance to get your extended family to see the reality of the situation. Prepare ahead of time to make sure it goes your way.

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