Least to be considered, but first to be looked upon for needs.

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It hurts when you realize your elderly mother turns to you first for her unending needs, but the last on her list of consideration when it comes to family members. She makes so many excuses as to why she does not wish to burden them, but does not even consider or acknowledge the burden she is placing on me. I do not blame the family members, this has been a life long habit of my mother when it comes to me. I was always the good dutiful daughter of convenience when it came to her choices in life. I have basically put helping her on the back burner. It hurts so much to know I am more of a gopher to her than a daughter. Yes, I did help enable her, but not anymore. Wish the guilt, fear and obligation toward her would go away. It paralyzes me from enjoying life more than I could. I dwell on it daily and it is causing me to feel trapped in a nonexistence prison. If I only could have a mother/daughter relationship like she has had with my siblings throughhout their lives. My visits with her leave me emotionally drained, because there is no substance to our relationship, just an empty void of anger for wasting what precious time I have giving her of myself out of obligation.


Debralee, I m an only child and, though my mother is now in a NH, she continues to suck the life out of me, such that I had a mini stroke and had to change my phone number. I still don't feel really well. A narcissist, she's run off the few friends she had. The past 18 months one person has visited twice and two others have visited once apiece. Her reasoning for no-one visiting is "Oh well, I expect they're busy". I've been running down there 3x a week doing her errands and listening to her b*tch and complain - alone, with an old house needing work, 2 acres and animals to care for I'm not busy??? Spring is almost here and I'm going to take back my life and try to rebuild what she destroyed over the years. Run errands? visit? maybe visit once in while ... maybe.
And I have a big black lab as well. Ashy is 7 and came to me from rescue last year. Can't imagine life without her.
I know what you are saying. Parents seem to be more considerate of the members who seldom come around and take us for granted. It is just not parents, as I am going through the same thing at work.
Don't give her a choice. Disappear. Then she'll HAVE to call on your siblings instead of you. Since they seem to get all of the consideration, let them start dishing some out for your mom, too.

If the visits drain you, don't go as often.

I think a sit down with mom and sibs is in order.. If you don't want to be treated like a pack mule, make it known to all concerned and don't act like one.
my mom developed an OCD a couple of years before she passed away. shed very much like to sit on her azz and command my energy to turn her place into her idea of utopia. it just didnt happen . i have a walk behind bushhog that says the grass gets cut twice a year. i dont care if anyone likes it or not. i build things, not a slave to a golf course looking lawn..caused us much friction. tough s**t. my "to" do list looks like the dead sea scrolls. shame on a sob who might try to alter that list.. stand your ground. screw what the parent thinks is important.
I reached the end of my tether with my mother about 12 years ago...she treated me just as you describe. Daily insults...just so casual and easy for her as if they meant nothing or I was so terrible that they were obvious..one night I was talking to her and mentioned that I had to make a run to Walmart for the coffee shop I was working for and I had to buy about thirty bottles of chocolate syrup because the shipment didn't come..I said "I was getting some strange looks from the other shoppers while I was in line!" and her response "They probably thought...no WONDER she's so fat!!" laughing.

Something in me just clicked. I hung up the phone and didn't see or speak to her for a solid year. Since then, she has been far more respectful and never says things like to me. She finally accepted that I wouldn't put up with it. I was VERY VERY VERY fortunate that I had that year...my sister is at that point now but I don't think she has a year to take. My mother has an inoperable blockage in her heart and could go at any time.

I came back to my relationship with my mother in a very different place. I can see her in a new light and we have had a much better relationship. She still says stuff that drives me batty some times but I understand now that it's not really her but the dementia that is loosening her tongue. (For example, I am a 'bad person' because I won't drink the last bit of soda in a can or bottle...it's a phobia I have from when we were young and someone told me that the last bit is just backwash spit! ewww!! but I think it hardly makes me a 'bad' person! LOL!)

I don't know how sick your mom is...but taking a break may help you if you can stand it or feel you have the time. Even a month might help
Thank you everyone. Everyone offered some excellent advice and insiight. Ashlynne, I rescued a Lab/Border Collie Mix when she was eight. Her name was Tasha and gave me 8 beautiful years with her. Ashy will give you many years of happiness. I got my Black Lab, Piper, shortly after I had to put Tasha down. I also have two beautiful cats I rescued, Smokey and Amber. My husband wants to get another puppy, not sure if I could handle another 4 legged addition to my menagerie family. With another grandchild coming and first great grandchild coming I am overwhelmingly blessed at age 59. Wish my mom would be happy for me, but she is more concerned about my time being taken away from her. My sister is also going to be a grandmother again and my mother is very happy for her. My other sister never had children, but accomplished a very successful life working hard with a great job and a beautiful home which my mother is so proud of. I served 24 years in the military and never heard my mother say anything about my career path. I am proud and happy for my sisters, they are good people. I know I will never show favortism with my children and grandchildren. I would never want them feel towards me the way I feel towards my mother.
Forgot to add, my mother does not have dementia, just a sick need to be idolized by those who are willing to give it to her. I will leave that to my maker and remain the back burner daughter.

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