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Dont know where to start to be honest so ill just start writing. My mother is 62 years old. Yes, not that old but sometimes it feels like im caring for a 90 year old.

List of medical problems:

Depression
Diabetes
Heart problems
Kidney problems
Lung problems
Eye problems
She hallucinates
She sometimes cant walk as her legs swell up
Her hands sometimes swell up
Renal problems
She has a hard time understanding things

On top of that, she is a control freak, has old fashioned hateful views, she complains about everything, she sticks her nose in other peoples business, she bad mouths me and my siblings to everyone including family.

I am 32 years old and im sick of not doing anything with my life. I receive a carers payment and dont work. I cant work because I am always having to take my mother to doctors appointments and on some days she needs me to be there for her after an eye procedure, or she sometimes forgets what meds are for what. Sometimes the doctors appointments last for 4 hours and I have to sit there doing nothing.

I am sick of being around sickness all the time. I wake up to make some breakfast, she is sitting at the kitchen table throwing up or something. She is always moaning and groaning or she starts to hallucinate and tries to convince me that there is a talking head in the microwave.

Im just over sitting there and waiting to be called upon. I am 32 years old. She is 62. I don't want to be doing this for the next 20 years of my life...

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Great news! But please don't let them chalk this up as a one time thing; now that she's in hospital, you have access to social work, discharge planning. You need to make it clear to them that she needs more care than you can provide going forward. From what I understand, she has frequent hallucinations...what is that about (ask them).
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Just an update on her condition. I went to see her today at the hospital and wasn't sure what to expect. She is almost 100% back to her normal self. She remembers some of what happened and some that didnt. She now acknowledges that everything was a hallucination. They have been doing tests and they still cant find anything. They are going get her to see a therapist and get her GP to keep a better eye on her.

I was so relieved to see her back to normal.

Thanks for all the replies and advice everyone, I appreciate it. Although she isn't back home, I have a feeling this may have been a one off thing.
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I have no experience with the protein levels thing...no idea what that is about.

What struck me in your description of her behavior, was it sounds a lot like what my mother-in-law went through in her illness. She had Lewy-Body Dementia. Most people here are aware of it, though not in the general public and even some doctors. It can only be diagnosed in a post mortem of the brain.

Basically, it's like a combination of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease. Hallucinations are a very common. My MIL saw bears coming out of the walls, children under the table, thought people were living in all the rooms of her house, etc. It's very frightening for them.

And it was very frightening for us too, and I'm sure you as well, to see her in such a state. These things are difficult to diagnose. If you have time, check out Lewy Body Dementia online. My MIL lived with it for many years.

I wish you all the best having been down the same road with brain maladies in my family. Know you will get through this and there are a lot of people thinking about you and praying for your situation. You can count me in.
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The other morning her hallucinations were getting a lot worse. A lot happened and no one got any sleep. Long story short, we had to call the ambulance as she kept saying that this isnt our house and she wants to go home and she kept saying that there is a little girl in the room who is on fire. The doctors are still not sure whats wrong with her but they said her protein levels are "through the roof"
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Have you reported her worsening condition to her doctor, or to the social worker?
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I know how hard it is to be a caregiver while NOT wanting to be a caregiver but not really knowing what to do next or how to go about doing something else. I cared for my dad in my home for 5 years and there were times when it occurred to me that being his caregiver, being chained to the house, was a great place to hide. I wondered if maybe I was using the "Caregiver" status to keep from moving on. I'm not saying that's where you're at but I wanted to share with you that I felt that way.

My dad finally did get to a point where he had to be in a nursing home and I was left with "What now?" Yes, I was free to an extent. But I had a house on my hands that I couldn't afford without my dad's income (financially we were roommates) and no job. And also a father who was in a nursing home. I unloaded the house, found an apartment (which I preferred to the house), and then found a job. It was all extremely stressful. And scary. And expensive. But I did it.

I think there was some depression while I was taking care of my dad. Depression in me, not him. Nothing alarming just a subtle feeling of apathy that was with me everyday.

But that's enough about that. I hope you've found a good support network here. I found this website when my dad lived with me and it was a Godsend. The people were lovely and helpful and supportive and even though my dad is gone I still continue to come and show my support for those who are still caregiving.

And a helpful hint, if I may: When our loved ones hallucinate I've found it easier on myself and my loved one if I don't try to convince them that what they're seeing (or hearing) isn't real. To them it's very real and maybe very scary. That's their reality. Imagine how disconcerting it would be if someone were to try and convince you, for example, that your bed wasn't really there, that you were imagining it. Or if someone tried to convince you that your car wasn't actually sitting out there. When someone is hallucinating trying to keep them tethered to this world can be very frustrating to them and us.

I think you're a good son and I always appreciate hearing from male caregivers and getting their point of view. Your mom is lucky to have you.
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Thanks for the replies and encouragement again everyone. My mothers health is getting worse and worse and since I last posted, her hallucinations have gotten really bad. She usually sees them when she is dosing off or just waking up but now she has been seeing them when she is awake. She is convinced there is a little girl hiding under the chair and is making fun of her. She even asked me to pick the chair up to check if she is still there.

She just fell asleep but its starting to freak me out a bit now as I could convince her before that what she is seeing isn't real. She is also seeing my dead sister and is convinced that she is alive. I'm not sure how to deal with it as it has progressed this bad in just a matter of a week. Last thing that she had done was a vitrectomy due to bleeding and really high pressure in the eye.

And yeah I'm in Australia. I have had help from the hospital and they sent over a social worker. Nothing really happened after that. Will make a better reply later on.
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Do you live in the United States? Some of your wording makes me believe you don't. Let us know, otherwise you'll get a lot of advice appropriate only if you're in the US.

Your mom has a vested interest in keeping you in her home, taking care of you. So she beats you down, because if you start to feel confident and competent, you'll leave her, just like your brother and sisters did. But she doesn't have the right to keep you as her personal servant. You have a right to a happy and healthy life and a job and a family of your own - with your own spouse and children if you want that for yourself.

Absolutely get some counseling! And if you don't like the first counselor, find another one. Like any kind of profession, different counselors are better for different situations. You just need to keep trying until you find one who you like and who listens to you and offers you constructive steps to making your own life a happy one.

This is a great group like others have said. We've got your back and we want to see you succeed. You're much too young to be spending your life taking care of your mom's physical and emotional problems. Get her outside help so you can start to live your own life, and not rescue her from hers. And keep us posted!!
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Maybe you can get your mother approved for Medicare & Medicaid & then hire caregivers to give you a break. So you can work during the day. If you have a brother that will help you that is a good thing. You guys can work together. Praying that your situations improves & you get the help that you need plus Xtra.
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Wow. Everything that really does suck. And I mean it. If you could do any job in the world what would that be? Have you ever dreamed about what you would do with your life? Could you get to work ok? Do you have enough space in your house maybe you could find a person to stay there in the day and watch her in exchange for having a place to stay?? Lordy You need to get out of there even if it's for the day. I bet she's too young for adult daycare. One thing maybe you can try is have her put in for psych evaluation. Say she's been dangerous to you. That will get her onto people's radar and maybe get you a social worker. It's sad but I can't think there would be inexpensive care for something wrong like this. She wouldn't be nursing home care. Psych facility wouldn't be very long . Maybe some kind of group home ? Just long enough for you to grow a life of your own
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(((((hugs)))) - you have had good advice. This is just some encouragement to get the help you need and to start building your life. Your bro did and you can too.
Keep letting us know how you are doing. We all spill our guts here - it is therapeutic
Do something good for you every day You are worth it..
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Perhaps a uti? Get her to a doctor. Get a referral for yourself! You're on your way.
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Thank you for the replies and kind words. It means a lot. I plan on taking small steps towards a better life but I don't think I can do that until I see someone. It feels like I am always sabotaging my self every time there is a chance to be happy. It as if a black cloud goes over me and I just doubt my self.

The last couple of days her hallucinations have been getting worse. She thought she was bottle feeding a baby the other day and tried to convince me its real. I'm not sure what changed in a week.
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Dear Everythinh, There can't be all that much wrong with you (as per your mother's opinion) if you can't write as eloquently as you do. I'm a psychologist, I've been depressed and I'm here to tell you that it's the sane people who seek out treatment and therapy...to help us deal with the toxic, the abusive and the just plain crazy. You've been given lot's of good advice here; make a list of small steps to take to change your situation. Take one action a day if that's what is manageable. if your mother tries to put you down, just smile and think (or say) my friends tell me otherwise. And if she laughs at your plans to further your education or better your situation by saying how old will you be when you've finished that, say "how old will I be in 5 years if I don't?". Chech back, you got a whole bunch of loving big brothers and sisters here who have your back now.
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Everything, today is your lucky day. Your life is going to change! The best thing to happen to you is to have found this place. It is filled with loving, caring, knowledgeable people who have ALL had experiences, both good and bad being care givers.
Ya know the nice, comforting, supportive moms you see on TV, but never had? Now you have hundreds of us. You should not be suffering, as you are, by paying for the poor choices and abuse from ANY other human, including your own mother.
Come here often and vent 10 pages worth. We will listen
Ask ANYTHING. Along with all the posters, there are exceptional professionals here to help you too.
You are a human being, that is a worthwhile as any other, and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
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Thanks for the replies and support. It helps a lot. I will go the the doctors for a referral to see a therapist. I havent been to one since I was pretty young. It wasn't the best experience though but talking about issues never is I guess.
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A lot of us either talk to a therapist every week, like I do, or have gotten some therapy. Most of us found it helpful. Don't feel weird. We don't try to pretend that we have it all together.
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Dear everythingsucks,

You are very brave to tell us about what your life is like. You found the right place to do it. Many of us here have come from abusive families, and we understand. I'm so happy to hear about how your brother broke free. Now it's your turn.

I'm guessing that your mother is nice to people who are not her children. I bet she's nasty because she hates herself. I hope you are learning that you do not deserve to be talked to the way she talks to you.

If the state took over her care, how could you start your own life? Start making plans. Step by step, you will find the way.
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Been doing it for the past 7 years now. I know my sisters have family and they cant really help me but what gets me angry is that when something does happen (mum gets rushed to the hospital) my oldest sister makes things really stressful. When she finds out, she calls the hospital and gives the staff a hard time. She feels very obligated to do stuff and I never ask her to. She just makes things 10x more stressful.

I dont even bother letting my oldest sister know when mum goes into hospital because it happens so often. She then gets angry when she finds out and I didnt tell her about it. If she did care, she wouldn't find excuses never to come over or to hang up on her when she is on the phone with her.

I know my sisters have a family of their own, but when I was little they use to run away from home all the time. They use to go to their boyfriends houses, anything to escape mum and dad because they were toxic.

My oldest sister got taken away by social services and put into a home. My other sister kept running away from home. They eventually started families meanwhile me and my brother were stuck with an always depressed mother and abusive father. I grew up being told that something was wrong with me and after school, I never did anything. I just went on disability benefits. Everything my mother said until I was 25 I believed was 100% true. I hardly had friends and was very withdrawn. It all started to unravel when my brother was looking for work. She tried to do the same with him. Make him feel like he was stupid and not good enough. When he started working, I then started to realize that we are capable of doing normal things like normal human beings. Even after all her put downs, he kept going to work. When he lost his job, he got another one asap. Again, the put downs. He didn't let it get to him. She always had something negative to say. She is now complaining that we dont save money and that we don't have a house of our own.

Encase you are wondering, my brother is 27 years old. My sisters are 40 and 45. The younger one would have been 37 but she passed away in 1999. My mum was very young when she had my oldest sister.


I dont know. Sometimes I get so depressed that I just cry. Maybe I should see a psychologist or something.

Jeez why did I write all that....
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Being a male makes it totally different taking care of a mother. She does havea lot wrong tho and she's probably not happy because she's so unhealthy. I'm a 23 yr old care giver for my 87 year old grandmother. It's very hard but I've been doing it for five years.. to top it of. Im now seven months pregnant and we clash.. I understand the moaning and groaing tho my gma does that all day and all night as soon as her eyes open.. sometimes louder than the vacume haha. She's been doing it for years too!! I have dreams with moaning and groaing aanyways you should definately find her diff help or put her in a home your not fit for the job.. and you can't hold it against your siblings my gma have five kids and a ton of grandchildren and I'm the only one to help.
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Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for the long posts.
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Thanks for the reply and I'm male.

I don't want to abandon her. I do love her, but as a person I don't think I like her. To me, the biggest issue is her attitude and one sided view on everything. If her attitude was different, I don't think id mind looking after her so much. I also feel like im losing my intelligent and interests in things. I cant be bothered to even watch a movie or work on a project when I do have the time as I keep thinking "whats the point"

My older sisters stopped communicating with her a while ago. Before she was this sick because she is always criticizing them and and complaining about really stupid little things that shouldn't matter such as what they spend their money on and how clean their house should be. My niece needed a place to stay for a little while so she lived with us for a few months. She also couldn't handle it and she hated how I was treated. She also left. I think my mother started getting really sick after my sister passed away from an OD. (my nieces mother)

I sometimes feel angry towards my sisters for abandoning me and my brother to deal with mum.
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I'm 62 as well. If I had all those problems, I would hope my kids called the Nursing Home and let the professionals take over. No mother wants to kill her kids by forcing all of this on them. Make the move.
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Poor Mom! Imagine having all those ailments and needing all those medical appointments and getting sick so often. The poor dear needs a caregiver for sure ... but it doesn't have to be you. Someone else can be the paid carer, you can visit often as the loving daughter, get a different job, and get on with your life.

Try not to take Mom's hateful attitudes and bad mouthing you too seriously or personally. Being that ill does crazy things to one's self-control. Don't take it personally ... and don't take it up-close and personal, either. Please get what is needed in place so you can leave as soon as possible.

I think a good place to start is with her case worker, or the person who authorized payment to you. Give notice. Explain that you need to get on with your life and so Mom will need other arrangements made.

It is really very good that you are seeing the need to move on now. Perhaps will all her ailments Mom's lifespan will be shortened, or perhaps she will live another 20 or even 30 years.

Don't abandon your mother. Don't turn your back and never help her again. But do resign from the role of primary caregiver. She can't help her health status, but that is no reason for you to give up your life for her.
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