Just want it to stop.

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Dont know where to start to be honest so ill just start writing. My mother is 62 years old. Yes, not that old but sometimes it feels like im caring for a 90 year old.

List of medical problems:

Heart problems
Kidney problems
Lung problems
Eye problems
She hallucinates
She sometimes cant walk as her legs swell up
Her hands sometimes swell up
Renal problems
She has a hard time understanding things

On top of that, she is a control freak, has old fashioned hateful views, she complains about everything, she sticks her nose in other peoples business, she bad mouths me and my siblings to everyone including family.

I am 32 years old and im sick of not doing anything with my life. I receive a carers payment and dont work. I cant work because I am always having to take my mother to doctors appointments and on some days she needs me to be there for her after an eye procedure, or she sometimes forgets what meds are for what. Sometimes the doctors appointments last for 4 hours and I have to sit there doing nothing.

I am sick of being around sickness all the time. I wake up to make some breakfast, she is sitting at the kitchen table throwing up or something. She is always moaning and groaning or she starts to hallucinate and tries to convince me that there is a talking head in the microwave.

Im just over sitting there and waiting to be called upon. I am 32 years old. She is 62. I don't want to be doing this for the next 20 years of my life...


Poor Mom! Imagine having all those ailments and needing all those medical appointments and getting sick so often. The poor dear needs a caregiver for sure ... but it doesn't have to be you. Someone else can be the paid carer, you can visit often as the loving daughter, get a different job, and get on with your life.

Try not to take Mom's hateful attitudes and bad mouthing you too seriously or personally. Being that ill does crazy things to one's self-control. Don't take it personally ... and don't take it up-close and personal, either. Please get what is needed in place so you can leave as soon as possible.

I think a good place to start is with her case worker, or the person who authorized payment to you. Give notice. Explain that you need to get on with your life and so Mom will need other arrangements made.

It is really very good that you are seeing the need to move on now. Perhaps will all her ailments Mom's lifespan will be shortened, or perhaps she will live another 20 or even 30 years.

Don't abandon your mother. Don't turn your back and never help her again. But do resign from the role of primary caregiver. She can't help her health status, but that is no reason for you to give up your life for her.
I'm 62 as well. If I had all those problems, I would hope my kids called the Nursing Home and let the professionals take over. No mother wants to kill her kids by forcing all of this on them. Make the move.
Thanks for the reply and I'm male.

I don't want to abandon her. I do love her, but as a person I don't think I like her. To me, the biggest issue is her attitude and one sided view on everything. If her attitude was different, I don't think id mind looking after her so much. I also feel like im losing my intelligent and interests in things. I cant be bothered to even watch a movie or work on a project when I do have the time as I keep thinking "whats the point"

My older sisters stopped communicating with her a while ago. Before she was this sick because she is always criticizing them and and complaining about really stupid little things that shouldn't matter such as what they spend their money on and how clean their house should be. My niece needed a place to stay for a little while so she lived with us for a few months. She also couldn't handle it and she hated how I was treated. She also left. I think my mother started getting really sick after my sister passed away from an OD. (my nieces mother)

I sometimes feel angry towards my sisters for abandoning me and my brother to deal with mum.
Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for the long posts.
Being a male makes it totally different taking care of a mother. She does havea lot wrong tho and she's probably not happy because she's so unhealthy. I'm a 23 yr old care giver for my 87 year old grandmother. It's very hard but I've been doing it for five years.. to top it of. Im now seven months pregnant and we clash.. I understand the moaning and groaing tho my gma does that all day and all night as soon as her eyes open.. sometimes louder than the vacume haha. She's been doing it for years too!! I have dreams with moaning and groaing aanyways you should definately find her diff help or put her in a home your not fit for the job.. and you can't hold it against your siblings my gma have five kids and a ton of grandchildren and I'm the only one to help.
Been doing it for the past 7 years now. I know my sisters have family and they cant really help me but what gets me angry is that when something does happen (mum gets rushed to the hospital) my oldest sister makes things really stressful. When she finds out, she calls the hospital and gives the staff a hard time. She feels very obligated to do stuff and I never ask her to. She just makes things 10x more stressful.

I dont even bother letting my oldest sister know when mum goes into hospital because it happens so often. She then gets angry when she finds out and I didnt tell her about it. If she did care, she wouldn't find excuses never to come over or to hang up on her when she is on the phone with her.

I know my sisters have a family of their own, but when I was little they use to run away from home all the time. They use to go to their boyfriends houses, anything to escape mum and dad because they were toxic.

My oldest sister got taken away by social services and put into a home. My other sister kept running away from home. They eventually started families meanwhile me and my brother were stuck with an always depressed mother and abusive father. I grew up being told that something was wrong with me and after school, I never did anything. I just went on disability benefits. Everything my mother said until I was 25 I believed was 100% true. I hardly had friends and was very withdrawn. It all started to unravel when my brother was looking for work. She tried to do the same with him. Make him feel like he was stupid and not good enough. When he started working, I then started to realize that we are capable of doing normal things like normal human beings. Even after all her put downs, he kept going to work. When he lost his job, he got another one asap. Again, the put downs. He didn't let it get to him. She always had something negative to say. She is now complaining that we dont save money and that we don't have a house of our own.

Encase you are wondering, my brother is 27 years old. My sisters are 40 and 45. The younger one would have been 37 but she passed away in 1999. My mum was very young when she had my oldest sister.

I dont know. Sometimes I get so depressed that I just cry. Maybe I should see a psychologist or something.

Jeez why did I write all that....
Dear everythingsucks,

You are very brave to tell us about what your life is like. You found the right place to do it. Many of us here have come from abusive families, and we understand. I'm so happy to hear about how your brother broke free. Now it's your turn.

I'm guessing that your mother is nice to people who are not her children. I bet she's nasty because she hates herself. I hope you are learning that you do not deserve to be talked to the way she talks to you.

If the state took over her care, how could you start your own life? Start making plans. Step by step, you will find the way.
A lot of us either talk to a therapist every week, like I do, or have gotten some therapy. Most of us found it helpful. Don't feel weird. We don't try to pretend that we have it all together.
Thanks for the replies and support. It helps a lot. I will go the the doctors for a referral to see a therapist. I havent been to one since I was pretty young. It wasn't the best experience though but talking about issues never is I guess.
Everything, today is your lucky day. Your life is going to change! The best thing to happen to you is to have found this place. It is filled with loving, caring, knowledgeable people who have ALL had experiences, both good and bad being care givers.
Ya know the nice, comforting, supportive moms you see on TV, but never had? Now you have hundreds of us. You should not be suffering, as you are, by paying for the poor choices and abuse from ANY other human, including your own mother.
Come here often and vent 10 pages worth. We will listen
Ask ANYTHING. Along with all the posters, there are exceptional professionals here to help you too.
You are a human being, that is a worthwhile as any other, and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

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