Just need to vent. My father, who is 88 years old is now living with me. I am an only child. He has numerous medical issues.

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He tries to be independent. Will not ask for help. Doesn't realize that it's much easier to help him than to clean up his messes. His language is awful. Can't speak a sentence without using four letter words. He has always used this type language but has gotten much worse. We have asked repeatedly that he not use it. He talks this way when home health nurses and therapists come to visit. I try to ignore it but it is really hard. He even talks this way when talking about church. Only attends church for social reason. My husband has asked him not to use that kind of language but it does no good. I feel it is disrespectful. Thank you for allowing me to vent, not sure if this is the correct place to do it.


bellringer, your profile doesn't give any indication of issues your Dad may have. Memory loss? Chronic pain? Mobility issues? If he has dementia, it is impossible to change his behavior. Otherwise you may start to 'correct' hima bit at a time. BUT if this is lifelong behavior, it will be quite a challenge! Still, your home, your rules.
AND try to find something that he can be useful with. Folding towels? Setting the table? Taking groceries from the bag and sorting items into refrigerated/non-refrigerated? Matching socks from the clean laundry? Rolling coins to bring to the bank? Clipping grocery coupons?
Thank you for your comments. My dad has COPD and lung cancer, plus other medical problems. His breathing problems are the biggest concern right now. His mind is pretty sharp. He is just a difficult person and I can understand he does not feel well. His language will never change, especially around us. I've tried to suggest he keep his room and bathroom clean, but he just throws things on the floor. Then complains that he doesn't have anywhere to put things. He is living in a brand new home. He has the largest bedroom, his own bath. And he still complains. I will just have to deal with it and find ways to relive stress. Thank you listening. Hope you have a great day!
Sometime they are just angry because of their situation that they can't change. He is set in his ways. Perhaps you can hire someone to clean up once a week for him to pay for. He may not feel like cleaning but should be willing to pay to get some one to do it. You are not his maid just his daughter.
bellringer, time to set up a SWEAR JAR... 25 cents for every time he uses a bad word. Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing this if it comes second nature to him. If he sees the jar filling up, then that is a visual reminder on what he is doing. Whether he will put money into that jar is another matter.
God bless you and your family. Their brains run a recording of what they were accustomed to doing. Try not to be embarrassed, it's not you. If he'll watch let him view clean comedy, often. Laughter is like a medicine. Prayerfully, it will help change his countenance. He doesn't ask for help because he is proud and embarrassed before you. He wan'ts to yet prove to you that he is a man. I congratulate and admire you for continuing to love you dad in ways many are unwilling to show; your patience, regenerated kindness and willingness to get dirty. Focus on creative and more efficient ways to clean up the messes while your praying and waiting for a change to come. From one caregiver to another lets get some laughter and joy in our lives.
I understand that your FIL may seem sharp in some ways, but, I'd still keep my eyes open for cognitive decline. Memory issues and confusion are not always the first sign of dementia. My LO was running her own household, shopping, maintaining a checkbook to the penny, etc., HOWEVER, she became belligerent, unreasonable, lazy, and agitated. I was so confused and discussed it with family and friends. A few people asked me if it was dementia and I say No way. She's fine mentally, but, that's before I knew that sometimes, it's the behavior that shows up first and not what we typically think of as dementia. Fast forward down the road and the other signs showed up, including memory, confusion and fear. I wish I had known what was causing that behavior in the early days. I would have handled things differently.

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