I just left a "not so nice" message for my brother...oh well.

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Dad is in the hospital right now and yesterday I asked my brother if he could call my other brother, and between the two of them, figureout if one of them would spend the night with dad. I am exhausted after spending a long time up there. Well, I am sure you can guess what the result of that request was. A big fat NO!!! So now I am finally home, 7:00 am, since my sister and husband are with dad now. I just left my brother a message telling him that I will no longer ask him for anything (since this is my first and last request for help) since it seems to be an inconvenience for him and I am not very happy at all......and I dont feel bad at all.


I can understand your feelings about your brother refusing to help you out when this is the first time you have asked for help-did he give you a reason why he was not helping I would ask him to do other things there is no reason it is your job to do it all-would you all be able to get together and talk this through when you are together with your other brother and sister he may very well feel folish for refusing to help at this time and may actually be of help to you in the future if not with his time then maybe offering money that could be used for his care or to hire someone to take the burden off of you.
I do know what his reason was....he just didnt want to. This is a brother that doesnt ever seem to have time to just sit and talk to dad because he says he doesnt have anything to talk about with him. But he can ask for money without any problem. (which we finally put a stop to) We always joked about my brother being a "jerk" even to his face and he just laughs about it. Now I am serious....he is a big JERK.
witt: Do we have the same brother???? This type of person is not the kind that you can sit down with and have a meaningful conversation about your Dad's care. My sib just starts an argument and walks off. This passive/aggessive behavior gets him out of a lot of responsibility. However, he will be first in line for any monetary rewards! He nearly cleaned out Mom's accounts a few years ago...just so sickening to hear about. Mom said that they were "loans" - but they were never repaid. (and, I swear to this day, she would still give him money!!! What is it about these creeps that they can manage to take whatever they want and not look back??)
So many of my friends are going through this right now...where one sib in the family is shamelessly pilfering the parent's accounts.
I have no sympathy for these people, they know what they are doing. Their is no "psychology" behind it (ie: sibling rivalry, etc.). When your parents are in need you have two choices: step up or step back. Our sibs have CHOSEN to step way back.
I know that I am doing the right thing by helping my Mom, but it would be so much more helpful and less stressful if the sib helped out once and awhile. Right now I can't even hear his name without becoming nauseous.

From what you're saying, it seems money was the only connection between them. But since you cut the money off, why should he bother helping you out? I think he's just paying you back.
It's just a sad but true fact.....Some people will do anything to get someone to bail them out ( for example, getting money from them) rather than pull up their own bootstraps and take care of themselves. And we are only enabling these people if we give them money. ( "Loans" count here too.) I went down the path of the "over-giver" and gave money , over and over, to a needy individual. You probably already know the outcome.....she didn't ever become more self-reliant. As a matter of fact, she got weaker and more dependent.
anne: good point about self-reliance. I spent most of my life telling my Mom that if she kept giving money to the sib, he would never be able to stand on his own two feet. This type always blames their woes on "money" - so the kind-hearted person thinks that if they bail them out all will be solved. Wrong! They spend their lives mooching off others. Everyone has the right to protect themselves from these "energy vampires."
Wittnitt, when you said your brother didn't have anything to say to his dad, reminded me of my husband's mom & dad. His dad died a few years ago now, but the two of them could spend the whole day on his dads boat, and never say a word to each other. That would boggle my mind to tell the truth, but then again it seems a woman can talk easier to people than a lot of men can. It wasn't that my husband and his dad had problems, it's just that that's the way he grew up. So when he married into my family, and we all talk at once, he was shell shocked. Now, since his dad is gone I am looking out for his mom. It was really hard at first having, what I would call a 'normal' conversation with her. So I found a book she might like, and started reading to her. Then I started taking her to movies, and she's become my movie buddy now. Eventually it opened the door to having the 'normal' conversation with her I wanted. Your brother, should he really WANT to have a relationship with his dad, can still do it. If he has nothing to say to your dad, bring a checker board with him. Bring a book like I did and read. Do crossword puzzles together, read the newspaper to him. I can sit and talk to my parents about serious or dumb stuff, and before I know it an hour has passed. But it's not like that for my hubby. He didn't even like his mother hugging him at first when his dad died. He felt it was fake. But it wasn't fake, it was just way too long overdue. I know old people can be a pain, and that'll be me someday too, but life is too short to have regrets. My husband has regrets that he never pushed himself out of his comfort zone and made the effort to really talk to his dad. He sure won't have that regret with his mom, (thanks to his pushy wife). ha.

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