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My mother, or Mommie dearest as I referred to her (ever see that movie?) passed away last week. I'm the only family and she had no friends. In accordance with her will, cremation has taken place and I will scatter her ashes. The funeral home will keep her ashes for now..too creepy to have in my house, sorry.

Digging out from under the mountain of stuff that came back from the NH and dealing with a ton of paperwork, house under renovation and veggie gardens/greenhouse exploding ... I'm exhausted.

How do I feel? Nothing at all. She was close to 90 and spent her life demanding, using, manipulating and abusing anyone who dared cross her path. As an A+1 narcissist she could put on a show for outsiders but me and my father took the brunt of her abuse. Frankly I'm so grateful she's gone. A supreme narcissist, she knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was 6 - it never got any better after that and I spent a lifetime avoiding her until she manipulated me into selling my home, quitting my career and moving to live in her cold dark basement to care for her for 4 years. All I had left was my old dog and when he died ... he was all I had left ... I contemplated suicide as the only way to get away from her..

Even in the nursing home the past 3 years she was after me every day - set the government on me accusing me of stealing her money, screaming down the phone every day until I blacked out doing 85 in my truck and had a nervous breakdown - changed my phone number and made it unlisted.

All I can tell you is that I'm so damned grateful she's dead. My father suffered over 50 years of her torture until his heart gave out 16 years ago. After a lifetime of pure hell from that woman, in my mid 60's I can now have a life.

For those of you who post how awful things are when the oldsters get looney tunes, violent, bed ridden, incontinent or whatever get them into a nursing homer asap where they will have professional care 24/7 for your sake as well as theirs.

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Just realized why Mommie Dearest and Carrie are at the top of my list. They hep me cope with psychological scars too deep to heal.

The ashes are going to rent too much space in your head. Scatter them in the sea, and let the tides wash away her physical presence.

Your post might have been too gritty for some in this forum. But not for me. My mother is still alive, spreading her usual evil gossip and sending her children on guilt trips now that she's too weak to wield a broomstick, electrical cords, and homemade whips. I can't help laughing when she plays the victim with phrases such as "I've given up my life to take care of you," and "I've always been your mother, father, and best friend." ... I've told her to get off that Cross many times. Someone else needs the wood.

My sisters and I are once again talking about the right words to put on her tombstone in her native Puerto Rico. "Beloved mother," blah, blah, blah said Ivette. I suggested "Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over." Fits perfectly, doesn't it?
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Oh, Ashlynne - I so identify - having all those Things To Do was kind of a blessing. I gave stuff away to anyone who could use it almost right away, and though my profile says I'm here because my hubby needs a little care, my real reason is the same as yours - a mad desire to have it all mean something, to help someone else. Love you.
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Thank you all so much for your kindness. It's been a couple of weeks now since my mother passed and I've waded through all the stuff that came back from the NH - bits of furniture, along with boxes and garbage bags of stuff. Some will go to the NH so it can be used by others, some will go to Goodwill and some had to be burned. Can't deal with the photo albums or pictures yet. Got all paperwork done.

In accordance with her wishes I have to scatter her ashes in her former home town but I won't do that for a couple of weeks. The funeral home is keeping them until I'm ready ... too creepy to have them in the house.

I'm not grieving, just feeling a bit weird, like an orphan, which is silly. This too shall pass. My handyman/helper, Brian, has been a rock and of course I have my beloved dogs, Sue and Ashy Girl, by my side 24/7 ... don't know what I would do without them.

I'll continue to drop by here ... if my experiences can help someone else then so be it. This forum is a godsend ... so many suffer with elder care issues. My doc told me a couple of months ago that if I didn't get my blood pressure down I'd die before my almost 90 year old mother.

Again, thank you all asnd Dog Bless you!
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Ash, from other posts of yours you are doing a wonderful job of reclaiming your life. When dementia inflicts those with personality disorders sometimes the behaviors intensify which makes them very difficult people to care for. My mom is beginning to enter the phase of combativeness, sadness, anger, increased confusion, nothing makes sense to her any more, which even meds are not helping yet.

I certainly understand the relief and release that you are feeling. Not a day goes by that I don't wish something happens to suddenly take my mom, a stroke, heart attack, something, anything. She is a mere shadow of the person she used to be, she does not like the person she is when the agitation and anger are unmanageable and she has told me she does not want to live like this.

So, keep working to reclaim your life, my journey down that road has barely begun with mom now in a facility. I wish her now 24/7 caregivers the very best and am grateful that they are working with her to try to make her life as comfortable and productive as possible.
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I'm so glad for you. A great big oppressed burden has been lifted off your conscience. You've done it and barely survived. But you did survive. Don't let anyone tell you how you should mourn your mother and make you feel wrong when you don't at all. You take care of you now. {{{HUGS}}}
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Glad you are free Ashlynne, I hope a new world opens up for you.
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Congratulations on your new life! Breathe deeply...
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Ashlynne--
I'd say I was sorry for your loss, but that's not true. As you purge all the garbage from her house, I hope you can also purge the anger from your heart and mind. Some people think everyone has something nice, or redeeming about them. Sadly, that isn't always true. I think of my uncle, who taugyt school for 30 years, was a counselor to literally thousands of HS kids and when he died, only 20 people showed up to his funeral. I only went b/c mother needed ride or there would have been 19. Purge and burn all the junk and move forward, glad you had a "horrible warning"--you know exactly how NOT to be. And, get a new pup!!
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You have survived.

Now, I hope you thrive.
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You go, Girl!

If you have trouble at all with hauntings from the past, you get you to a therapist who can exorcise them for you.

You deserve peace now.
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Ashley, I am happy for you that you are not tethered to "Mommie Dearest" anymore.

I can't help but think when I hear these stories of mentally, physically abusive parents.......why, why, why do you people put yourself through the torture of taking care of them for one minute, let alone 4 yrs, 15 yrs, 20 yrs., whatever the case may be. If you were married to an abusive husband you would escape to a women's shelter, perhaps even change your identity to hide from said abuser and no one would fault you for that.

I hear it so many times on this site about how I hate my mother or father and i hate having to do this, do that for them. Then don't do it.

You may think its the godly thing to do but I disagree. God wants us to love one another and treat people as you would have them treat you but I don't think he wants us to allow people to treat us like an old dish rag and then be enslaved to them out of some kind of misplaced obligation or guilt.

While I sympathize with the stories I have a real hard time feeling sorry for someone who puts themselves in the line of fire when there is an alternative. If you are the only living relative, so what. There is no law out there that says you owe your parents anything after you become an adult. I don't mean to be harsh but thats how I see it.
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Ashley,
Just want you to know that I’m so happy for you that you are finally free. I gained so much from your posts over the years. I hope all the paperwork of sorting out her affairs is soon in your rear view mirror, so you can go forward and have a beautiful, wonderful life. It would also be wonderful if you care to stay in touch here as you move forward, but most importantly, it’s time for YOU. Hugs.
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Ashlynne, nothing to say but big hugs to you. You had a hard life with your mother and you've done a good job. I hope that you are able to find peace and contentment now that you can breathe clean air free of worry. ((((Ashlynne))))

And thank you for the support and understanding you have always had for others with difficult parents.
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Certainly hear the relief in your post. Now you finally have a chance to change your life and move forward. Here's to your new opportunity and upcoming adventures! Go forth and have a wonderful time.
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What an ordeal you must have gone through, and how much of a relief it must be to have it over. I've never experienced anything as intense as you've described but it seems like it must have been a living hell.

I'm glad for you that the horrible experience is over, and glad you still have a positive perspective and have moved forward with your large area of property and garden.
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It's good to know that you are now free to find peace in your life. Take care.
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Hugs, Ashlynne. I'm so sad it was like that, but relieved for you that you're free. Hugs again.
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You've got some work ahead but it's going to get better. Good luck to you
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Lynne, deep sigh, freedom at last. sending you , the pups and the Mouse Squad lots of hugs....
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Ashlynne I am happy that you can now move on and live the life you deserve, free from the torture your mom put you through. I hope you continue to check in with us as you start to get your life back, so we can cheer you on. I'm rooting for you from Chicago. Please keep us posted!!
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Ashlynne, From your postings, I think I can hear a huge sigh of relief. That was quite a journey you were on with your Mother.
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