I hear it's all about choices...

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Grandma was admitted into the hospital from an assisted living facility, her main condition was listed as failure to thrive. Now I am questioning the decision I made over a year ago to move my grandmother into my home. At the time, I knew it was huge and I wondered if I could truly handle it. I decided I could, and unfortunately I failed to take into consideration the impact it would have on my children. Grandma adores my son but only tolerates my daughter. My daughter has been subjected to unfair favoritism and she is fully aware of it. I am very angry right now. That is such an understatement at best.

I know all the sacrifices I have made and I did it willingly at the time, but things have changed. I look at the state of my life and the quality of my children's lives, and I question my decision. I want to 'undo' our living arrangement and get back on the track of being the best mom I can be, which I've recently redefined. There was a time that I thought as a role model that meant taking care of my grandma in my home with my children helping along the way. It seemed like the only right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure. Today it seems more like we are all hostages because grandma didn't want to acknowledge her abilities declining and she wanted to stay in her home as long as she could. The truth is, she stayed too long and refused to plan for the time when she couldn't.

Now, I can't help but ask myself why I continue to take responsibility for the choices she made, rather refused to make year after year. The truth is, the children and I have done a remarkable job with making her comfortable and happy in a life she would NEVER have chosen for herself. The catch is that now I've noticed that the three of us are no longer thriving, but she is. Is it worth it? I find myself in a quagmire of family values; priorities vs. loyalties. Honestly, I do not know what I am going to do to change the current situation. But, because of my experience I have become very proactive and set up long term care plans for myself so I never put my children through a dilemma of this sort. However, I'm not sure that means very much to them at this point.

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YOU GUYS!!!!!!! You are making my 'fix it' fairy wings try to flex and fly!!! I wish I knew what to say or better yet, DO! But all I think the best I can do is pray for you and your dad. I wish I had some answers!
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Yep! What are you doing up so late? LOL
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It's a tough place to be, isn't it?
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No stings Anne, I now have leather skin thanks to dad, LOL. See, I think he is in a stage somewhere between nursing home and assisted living. Is that possible? He can still shower himself, change his own depends, shave half-assed, and well, wiping and other hygeine is another issue.
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Praying here, too. He doesn't qualify for greater care? With all those conditions, why not a Nursing Home. Oops, hope that didn't sting...
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Thanks Anne! Dad has dementia, neuropathy, osteoporosis, and arthritis in his back, with disc problems. He is 74, and walks like a 100yr old man, has balance problems, and falls. Lets see, what else? Top it off with poor eye sight, and poor hearing, or should I say, selective hearing. Trying to get him taken care of first, as always. His house cannot wait much longer, because he won't be able to make a $1,300/mo house payment, along with a $4,000/mo minimum on assisted living. I'm waiting for direction from the Lord on this, but to no avail. Maybe I'm not praying hard enough.
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Jamie, you're cute! Thanks, I have a condition that cannot be cured, only treated. I know, I have chosen to put others first because that is in my nature. I think I got it from my mom, she always did the same exact thing, call it a curse I guess LOL. Thanks for the much needed uplift. Now, how about a vacation? LOL
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Dear Nauseated,

I feel compelled to say a few words here...If you fail to take care of yourself first, how can you possibly offer care to others? Ever been on an airplane? The friendly and well trained flight attendant always instructs the passengers, should the event occur, to first secure your own oxygen mask - then assist your child. Do you know why they say that? Because we all (well most of us anyway) need reminders to take care of our needs first - so we are able to offer assistance to others.

Have you ever observed a lifeguard assisting a distressed swimmer? The first thing they'll do is to dunk the person in need of assistance under water, assuming the swimmer is still conscious. The reason they do it is because they are trained to do it. It doesn't come naturally. But if you think about the distressed swimmer- very afraid- he is trying to grasp and cling to the rescuer -quite desperately, for it is a matter of his life or death. If the lifeguard doesn't sufficiently control the panic, then he is at risk too and no one will be rescued.

If you are just now putting your health and safety first, I think you have just reached the 'trained professional' status. Congratulations!!! What part of that permits guilt? Not a bit of it, really.

Lots of love to you!!!
And you're doing great!
Jamie
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Wow, we have faced similar. God will guide you. He did us, and prayer paved the way. My husband gives God all the praise. His Dad was defrauded out of his house, and we had only a car in the end. But God... So fast forward to today. What type of place are you looking at for your Dad? Is he in fairly good health? The house can wait, while you take care of your Dad (#1 priority), family and yourself. Right? (Not that you need to come last.) Please do take care of you.
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That is so nice, that both Dads are together and so close. I'm looking at a place, which is only 10min from me. I received a package of papers from them, and they told me I can make an appointment to show Dad around, or if I am out and about I can just drop in anytime to tour the place. I'm not sure at what point he would not be a good fit for the facility. That is a good question to ask them. I'm still learning more everytime I go to do something. I just don't want my ignorance to make any bad choices or mistakes. This is still a learning process for me, and I don't want to make any errors. He has lost enough in the past years. I'm still checking out options for his house. I talked to a realtor friend in his state, and they tell me that the next few years will be harder and harder on the real estate market, and I may have to do a short sale. Not sure yet, they are going to let me know what it is worth. Probably less than his loan that he was fraudulently talked into.
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