It ain't over...When it's over.

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We talk about our narcissistic parents here so my ramblings are right at home.

Just because your narcissistic parent has passed, don't think you've escaped completely. You haven't...and you won't.

Since my mom passed away Dec 20th of last year things have certainly been more peaceful. Yes, indeed. Since my mom passed there are a lot of things I'm very grateful for. My mom's death is one of them.

That sounds worse than it is. I don't say that with malice or spite. She was at the end of Alz and it was hell on her and hell on me as well. It wasn't pretty. There really are some things worse than death, Alz being high on that list..

My mom's loudest message to me was YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH, NOTHING YOU DO IS GOOD ENOUGH. Over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get that mess out of my head.

What kid has defenses against a narcissist? My mom didn't just wake up one morning and suddenly became a narcissist. That crap was probably going on long before I was even born. I can't even begin to describe the type of smothering my mom did. When it came to me she was OC. I couldn't do a damn thing, not even homework, without her being right there on top of me. Micromanage seems tame in comparison. Even as a kid I'd tell her flat out, 'I want to do it myself...' but....no. That wasn't allowed. My mom took over every home work paper and project from the time I was in elementary school. I hated it. Even then, so young, I realized that something was seriously off with her behavior. I had no words for mental illnesses then, I just scented danger like prey senses predator. Even so young I felt squirmy around my mom, uncomfortable and constantly on edge. Anyone having grown up with a narcissist knows what I mean. You don't have time to be a kid when you're trapped with a narcissistic parent. You're too busy trying to survive them.

With my mom I never knew what the day would bring. Hell, hour to hour I didn't know when the next ax would fall and I'd have to deal with an out of control, rabid animal. That's pretty much how I perceived my mom as a kid. It's sad as hell. And it was scary as hell. The two overriding emotions I associated with my mom my whole life were fear and anger.

Even when your parents battle is over, yours isn't.

Thanks to this site where I can some and talk about these things.

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SA-First off "perfection" is an unreachable goal. Simply because the idea of perfection is different from one person to the next. As far as your Mother is concerned, next time you start to worry about a ghostly "visit" from her, picture her at the gates of Heaven, standing in front of Saint Peter trying to answer his question as to why he should let her in? I wonder what she would have to say? You know she can't pull the wool over his eyes about anything because he knows what the truth is? Stay true to who YOU are and be happy with the fact that your life has quieted down some. Kudos to you and keep up the wonderful life you are now living.
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I hear you, Cap. lol And yeah, my goal in life is to be my mom's polar opposite. Perfection has never been one of my goals. Another reason I guess my mom and I didn't get along.

Sunny, OMG. I used to worry about the same thing! I fully expected her to start haunting me after her death and I wondered how I'd handle it... Well, so far, so good. All is quiet. Thank God. lol
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Much sympathy and hugs to you SA, I think the amount of baggage that builds up over a lifetime is very heavy. I imagine after my mother has passed and I try to unpack and sort it out who knows if I ever can. Living in the present and being true to yourself seems like the right thing to do.

One thing I worry about is being harassed by her ghost when the time comes. I wonder if this has ever come up for anyone especially if they had a deeply conflicted relationship with their parent?
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solitude, lol. if a twig snaps on this hill i want it resolved permanently . i was funnin with you. have 10 bottles of wine, im gonna cook the other 10 in the pressure canner. it sounds like your moms fanaticism has been duly noted by you and adjustments made to make yourself a hell of a better person. case in point, my dad was an ogre and a closedminded dictator. im only a moderate control freak. hey, one step at a time..
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SA-
I certainly understand your solitude part! We are trying to get to the point where I can take a weekend away. People want me to visit my kids, that is the furthest thing from my mind. A neighbor has given me a key to her house so I can do just that. She lives 1,000 miles away and the house sits empty except on her visits here every couple of months or so. I crave the solitude, the chance to just stay in bed if that is what I want to do. Caring for an elder with Alzheimer's is such a chore, even if in day care, you are constantly on call should anything happen. Day care does not provide respite if you are always waiting for the phone to ring.

Just relax, enjoy and use the solitude, see if there is a support group that you may be interested in attending. A Presbyterian church here has many groups that meet, one is Growing Through Grief, if you think that might help. You will get there in YOUR own time, when it will work for you, and NOT on someone else's time schedule. It will be work, and each day a bit easier, one day at a time.
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Cap, I know that things aren't all that important in life. That was hammered home when my lights went out in the middle of winter. I've never been much for too many things anyway. Have you seen some people's garages?? My ex boyfriend had not one, but three, storage sheds stuffed to the gills with junk he hadn't looked at or used in years. I like a rather minimalist look to my surroundings. I don't like to be surrounded by chaos and that's what piled up things are to me. I'm not trying to live large. But I do have to live, which means basic necessities and that's about it. I like my furniture, my soft, plush blankets, my dragon collection, my hot water and my hot cup of tea... I don't need too much more than that.

This house had to be perfect while my mom was alive, like some showroom. 24/7. God forbid there was a speck of dust on the rug. It was absolute insanity because she never stopped bitching because she just couldn't be satisfied. Personally, I don't give a crap if my rugs haven't been vacuumed in a day or three. I don't care if there's a couple dishes in the sink. I'm clean ENOUGH not to be a pig and that's good enough for me. Unfortunately, it was never good enough for my mom. Hell no. A stray sock on the couch was a crime. God no, I don't ever in this life want to feel like perfection has to be my goal. I do a damn good job and pretty much anything I put my mind to do. But perfection is out of my league. It's too exhausting to try and be perfect. So I don't try. Life's more peaceful not trying to be what someone else needs you to be. I need to be a certain type of person, I have my own mind and opinions and I believe in being able to express them in many different ways, through music, decor, clothes, whatever, I am what I am. I've always felt in my gut that I simply had a right to be me and I fought my mom for that right almost every single day for as far back as I remember. They say to choose your battles. That's just it with this kind of narcissist. Every damn thing is a battle. Every little freaking thing. If my mom talked, she bitched. The bitching never seemed to stop or end. God, who has that kind of energy. Taking my mom on exhausted me. Wore me the hell out.

After 48 years of a war that just ended, I need utter solitude. The mental and emotional toll this has taken on me, this whole life of insanity, has brought me to my knees. It's like 48 years of suppressed emotions are in my face and making themselves known.

Lord, there's so much grief that I feel when I think of these things, all those ugly fights, all those stupid, piddly arguments...and with a narcissists arguing and screaming fits are the norm, and you get used to things breaking and smashing..

I don't have the energy to be like my mom. I'm too damn tired to sweat bullets over a towel thrown over a chair or a dish in the sink and even if I wasn't I still wouldn't worry about it. .

I quit caring about really pleasing my mom a long time ago. I couldn't ever be the person she wanted me to be, and seemed so desperate that I be.

All I can say is that my journey with her, the whole damn thing, has left me torn and shredded, bleeding inside, sick and exhausted. I don't think I'll ever really want to socialize too much ever again. I'm content in the quiet. The thought of someone making even one demand of me gets my hackles up. I'm in no condition to be around the rest of humanity. And I know it. Frankly, I just want to be left the hell alone in RL. And I might feel that way for awhile.

Narcissists aren't the soft pillows in your life. They're the knives and razor blades. Nothing soft around here. Ever.
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im reading, " overachieving is a horribly misguided goal and ill bet the sob living in a van down by the river is the happiest person in society, AND ive heard he makes some hellish good cantaloupe wine " ..
( inside joke )
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