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Hi cmagnum,

That is the conclusion I've come to as well. I mean, I know caring for someone with dementia takes a toll on the caregiver's free time, but this is so much more than caregiving. I read a book, When He's Married To Mom, it's kind of been what keeps me sane. Every time he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable I go through and read some of the cases in the book and realize that it's not normal. I have, in times of complete frustration, told him that he is married to his mom. Needless to say, that doesn't go over well. When we are together, just us, it's so perfect. I just hate that he can't see the bind that he is in.
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He is married to mom emotionally as her substitute partner. You can't win this battle given his age. Move on.
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Hi BarbBrooklyn,

I will watch the movie tonight. Thank you for your reply.
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Hi cwillie,

I definitely feel like the mistress but that thought alone makes me feel like I'm crazy. It's a constant struggle between feeling like I am not wrong for wanting more and feeling bad for wanting more because he makes me feel like I am being selfish and not supportive of what he is going through. He says he doesn't feel as though he can talk to me about his mother because he doesn't feel as though I would have her best intentions at heart. That's not it though, sometimes I just think he needs to have a firmer stance when she throws a tantrum because she doesn't feel like she's getting enough time even though he had visited four days in a row. Also, I've never had a problem with his mother as a person, but he seems to forget that it is her who has never had nice things to say about me so yeah, it is hard for me sometimes to look beyond all of that.

I read the article you mentioned... it was disappointing and eye-opening.
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Two years and you've never met his mother?? Run, don't walk!
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Hi Isthisrealyreal,

Her needs increasing is a legitimate concern of mine. She already monopolizes the majority of his time right now when she doesn't necessarily need his care, but when her health does decrease and she requires more of his help, I just can't see this working out. I feel sorry for him. His mom is all he has now. He works too much to have any real friendships and his relationships with his siblings are very strained. I can't imagine what will happen when she passes.
I think they have spoiled each other. I think she likes being able to tell her friends that her son takes her on vacations etc, and I think he likes being told he's his mom's favourite and best friend in the world.
And you are absolutely right, in all other aspects he is the perfect man, and in many ways, this has been the best relationship I have ever had and things are great as long as I don't question him about his mother. When I do, another side comes out. He shuts down and gets defensive immediately and always makes me feel as though I am in the wrong for even asking for more from him. I'm constantly wondering if I am just not being considerate or sensitive enough to his mother's situation.
Thank you for the warm welcome, and for taking the time to reply to my post.
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He is a already married to his mother emotionally. She has made him her substitute partner. You don't stand a chance. Move on.
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CaregiverLvr1, one positive note, if you do continue on and marry this fellow, he is already a very well trained caregiver.... thus if you should become under the weather, he will be right there for you.
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"I have never met his mother but the first thing she had to say when she learned of me is that I am with my boyfriend for his money. That was the first dig. We got into an argument early on in our relationship and he told her all about it do for months after, even though things were really good with us, she would remind him of the argument we had"

The first thing this woman had to say to you is NOTHING because you've never met her. What you are saying is the first thing that your boyfriend is telling you she said is XYZ.

Just be aware of that.

And you should watch the movie MoonStruck.  Very instructive in these kinds of situations.

Move on.
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There is a good article at "psychology today - Are you being gaslighted?" (google it), you might want to read it to see if anything sounds familiar.
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Hi CarlaCB,

thank you for your reply. I have spoken to him about it but the answer I get is usually along the lines of I'm not being understanding enough, and that it doesn't matter if he shares these things with his mom because it's not a competition between her and me. He says I don't understand dementia so I wouldn't understand how he is choosing to care for her. He makes the things he does and says to her all about her dementia so I thought maybe I really was missing something seeing as I have never had to deal with dementia before.

He always says he sees the relationship going somewhere and lasting, but last week we had another argument about this whole thing and he said he's exhausted and that he believes that I believe that our relationship will not work until she is dead. That broke my heart, I don't want his mom to die, and I am not saying that we won't work as long as she is alive, but for it to work... I just think maybe he has to address how close they are and maybe set some boundaries. He doesn't like when I say that though, he makes it seem like I am asking him to leave his mom all alone to fend for herself. He is thoughtful, and he this mother issue aside, he treats me well, but it gets overshadowed by all of this other stuff.
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It sounds like he spends much more time and thought in his relationship with mommy than with you, when you say you feel like his mistress it looks to me that your feelings are right on the money.
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Dementia only gets worse. Is theirs a healthy relationship, not in my personal opinion. That he is 52 and never been married probably says more to me then anything else. He tries to make you the bad guy for wanting more time away from mom, I'm thinking that he has been spoiled by mom. If he is always mom this, mom that it will never change, unless he is prepared for change and it is hard to teach old dogs new tricks. I bet he seems like a super guy, all compassionate, concerned, empathetic, kind, loving, generous and on and on until he has to answer for anything he has done or said, am I right?

As she ages and her needs increase so will her demand on his time. If she evens thinks she is losing part of him to you she has already proven her ability to cast aspersions without ever laying eyes on you. From what you said, mom trumps everyone and everything. I'm not being judgmental but you give him his way as things stand, what motivation does he have to cut the apron string?

I feel bad for the poor guy, you know that he has been trained in fear, obligation and guilt from before his memories began.

Best of luck with whatever you decide, please let us know, feedback from original poster is great. We help support one another. You can even come here to rant😁 welcome to caregiving.
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Dear Caregiverlvr1 - I can't say your relationship is doomed, but I can say with relative certainty that it won't go anywhere as long as his mother is alive, and maybe not even once she's gone. There is clearly something very off here - him sharing your private conversations and even letters(!) with his mother, and her advising him whether to have sex or not - SHEESH!!! It's hard to understand why he bothers with a girlfriend at all.

If you are looking for a relationship that will advance to cohabiting and possibly marriage, then I would have to say that this will not be that relationship. If you are looking for a partnership in life and to be somebody's "significant other", ditto. He has a significant other, and it isn't you. If you are looking for someone to have an occasional no-strings-attached lovely encounter with, he might be just the guy.

But seriously, why ask us? Why not ask him? Ask him where he sees this relationship going. Ask him what kind of relationship he's ultimately seeking with a woman-not-his-mother. If he's the type who will tell you to just let it alone and see what happens, then I think you have your answer.
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