Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Carla, I read what you wrote about your mom and that's called "manipulation" and "try to guilt trip". You did the right thing setting your boundary (which you have every right to do) and saying that "good...Saturday it is then"...bye bye.
I try very hard not to tag the word guilt on to what I might be feeling emotionally. Because if you read the definition of guilt...it means you did something wrong. So if I'm thinking to myself...well I haven't seen dad for a week....am I guilty? No...am I questioning why I haven't or if I should...then yes. The "shoulds" are the ones that can get you. If I am not doing anything that's harmful emotionally or physically to him then I am not guilty. We all have to deal with our own psychological make up and what we assign to our feelings about certain things. I also remind myself of all the things I am doing for him to make his life better and easier. Puts it in perspective. I am only responsible to him and not for him. My life has become less stressful as I've gone along. I realize this is not the take for everyone on this forum...but it is for me.
(7)
Report

Guilt on not being able to care at home. Hubby is 82 and I'm 79. He has accute kidney failure and is on dyalis,a fib,stroke 2 years ago,poor vision,mild dementia, etc. No longer safe for him to be alone due to physical disabilities.
He is in a good rehab but still I feel guilty.
(5)
Report

Disappointment first because now we will not be doing any of the things we had planned for retirement. Biggest mistake is to put off travel for 'later'. Because my spouse also has severe hearing loss, even with his hearing aids, I am raising my voice for all conversation. Anger because there is almost no communication/discussions/sharing thoughts. Getting him to do anything specific is very difficult since he doesn't understand instructions and probably isn't hearing them clearly anyway. We are fortunate in that he is very healthy otherwise and for now is able to continue his personal daily care.
(2)
Report

Guilt on not being able to care at home.
(4)
Report

When mom has a moment of clarity and calls me from the memory care facility and asks me to come pick her up - she wants to go home. This has happened three times in 6 months. When I visit her, she never asks me to take her home.

I feel guilty because I am the one who has made all the pertinent decisions for her. Sold her house, moved her with me, placed her in memory care etc. etc.
When I feel guilty, I look back and realize that I did the very best I could; but that doesn't stop the heart break. In my experience; there is only sadness in end of life care and you really have to make peace with the decisions you make on behalf of another.
(10)
Report

"Maybe I didn't feel guilt much because I recognized other feelings: anger, regret, powerlessness, frustration. I'm not saying I didn't have painful feelings as a caregiver -- but usually it was not guilt. "

Too many seem to be missing Jeannegibbs' main message. There are a lot of negative emotions that can accompany caregiving. Anger, frustration, second guessing, sorrow and remorse are not guilt, and not something to feel guilty about unless they cause you to behave unkindly.
(2)
Report

Guilt....loaded with it, continuously. Did I do my very best? Were there better options? Should I visit more often? Is she getting the best care possible, but the one that set off the most guilt and anger too was when Mom would accuse me of *stealing* from her when in fact she was taking nearly all my time and energy.
(4)
Report

Not guilt so much, but resentment. Just when we are both retired and could do some fun things like travel, my husband "takes a powder" from life and I have to pick up the pieces. I have to remind myself often that I'm not the only one dealing with this; this is the row I'm destined to hoe; I am glad I can function and keep loving him. If I ever feel anger, it's against our friends who seem to have dropped us from their mind and never come to visit, so I feel lonely in this endeavor.
(6)
Report

Triple ditto to Jeannegibs. No guilt. I'm doing what is supposed to be done and to the best of my ability with the resources on hand.
(2)
Report

Ditto jeannegibbs comments. I don't feel guilt. Although it is terribly difficult to be a caregiver of a spouse who has Alz, frontal temporal dementia and ALS, I consider it an honor to be able to care for him at home - someone who gave me the best of his life and someone I know would do the same for me. Sadness at seeing such a vibrant person lose his independence, memory and judgement, yes. Frustration at the fragmented healthcare system that makes mistakes and causes him pain and discomfort, yes. Disappointment in some members of our family that don't understand my husband as my first priority these days over them or their children, yes. Am I impatient at times, yes. But feelings of guilt or anger, no.
(3)
Report

I'd have to say frustration while watching formerly competent people just lose their desire to do anything for themselves. Yes 89 is very aged, but I have friends in their nineties that are still making an effort at LIVING to the best of their ability. My mom can no longer feed herself due to severe sight loss, but my dad sits there while a caregiver or myself feeds her. She's HIS wife and he is still able to do those things for himself and I sit thinking, "she's your wife, why don't you take care of her as best you can". there, got that out. Thanks for the place to vent. (I'll have to note that this man was the "breadwinner" in his working years and was never expected to care for us kids or mom so honestly it just may not occur to him). That's just one of many things that raise guilt in me.
(7)
Report

Maybe I simply don't have a conscience, because there wasn't a lot of guilt associated with caregiving for me. Losing my temper did make me feel guilty, as it should. It is OK to feel guilty when you do something wrong. That will probably help reduce how often it happens in the future. (That is the legitimate purpose of guilt, right?)

When I lost my temper I apologized. I hugged him. I assured him that I loved him and it was the darn disease that I hated.

Maybe I didn't feel guilt much because I recognized other feelings: anger, regret, powerlessness, frustration. I'm not saying I didn't have painful feelings as a caregiver -- but usually it was not guilt.

I had a lot of people -- family, friends, the doctors, a caregiver support group -- to tell me over and over what a great job I was doing. I'm sure that helped a lot. My heart really goes out to those who have people trying hard to make them feel guilty and who point out everything "wrong." I'm afraid it would take more strength than I have not to be an emotional mess in that situation.
(13)
Report

Oh, my! I feel guilty whenever I say "no" to my mother, and she plays on that too. This week my mother and I had to postpone our regular trip to the library and Walmart because she was sick. Now that she's starting to feel better, she wants to go right now. Today. Friday. Even though I told her that Friday was the only day I couldn't take her because I had a podiatrist appointment. She's like "Well, I guess if it has to be Saturday, it has to be Saturday. I sure hope I don't run out of books before then." She has a way of communicating the idea that if she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants it, it's a major tragedy. And on some level I always buy into it and feel responsible, even though I know it's nonsense. Aaaarrrggghhh!!!
(11)
Report

Just read what you wrote, sunny. It is very simple to feel guilty about feeling angry. If we were better people we wouldn't harbor feelings like anger and resentment. But we fall short of those perfect people marks. And it is our parents. That is why we feel guilt about not being totally loving all the time. Is it logical? No. But it is the way it is.
(10)
Report

Feeling anger. There is no set way to handle it other than to stay away as much as I can. This is not easy to do, since I live in my mother's house. I have to do a lot of self soothing. If someone isn't good at self soothing I would tell them to never try being a caregiver.
(4)
Report

That's a very amusing question. I would be interested to know too. It seems that guilt is a very pervasive emotion that a vast number of caregivers seem to have. It really baffles me why loving caretakers harbor such a painful emotion, when they are knocking themselves out giving care to their family members. Many give up their outside interests and activities, sacrifice financially, and endure enormous stress and sleep deprivation to care for a loved one who has dementia or is otherwise disabled, but, then they top if off with feelings of guilt, even though they are doing their very best. As Cwillie says, it's good to be reasonable about the matter. I mean you are only human. When you're doing your best, why feel guilt? I suppose it's a psychological phenomena like survivors guilt. It's not rational, but, still exist.

I won't question people's emotions, but, I sometimes wonder if what is labeled guilt is actually anger, worry, pain or disappointment. I suppose that I'm fortunate, as I have always done what I thought was right for my LO and put her need as my top priority. I'm not perfect, but, I have never felt guilt, because I know my heart is in the right place, I work hard, devote my time, do my research, act as her advocate and seek the best for her.
(8)
Report

Losing my temper.
The only way to deal with it is to forgive myself for being human and to ensure I get as much help and time away as possible to help keep burnout at arms length.
(12)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter