I have so much anger and impatience dealing with my mother's dementia. I need help.

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I so know what you are going through! My father passed away in 2010 and my mom was always very dependent on him and now depends on me for everything. Her dementia got pretty bad in 2012 and also became extremely depressed. She doesn't want strangers in her home so getting outside help or respite will be difficult. I have 3 brothers who haven't shown any interest in offering any help. This is extremely difficult for me because I also have a diagnosis of major depression. My mom can be so mean to me sometimes and I know she doesn't mean to be but it doesn't lessen the pain.
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BarbaraHelen,
As I see it, you need to put your priorities in order. Your first responsibility is to your mate, then your children, then your mother. It sounds like you are taking on too much. You need to cut back and you need to include yourself in the care.
You're going to burn out soon with so much work. It's a common thing to "snap". I did when I spanked my mother's fingertips after she threw a sandwich at me. Poor dear, she's just about 95 and going into stage 7 Alzheimer's but I'd had it that day and "lost it". That's when I knew she could no longer live with us. (She was cursing and hitting my husband also plus many other reasons.

Don't get to the point (if you're not there already) of falling apart. Have you checked into Assisted Living for your Mom? You must do something for yourself soon. Please take a break, then explore options to change your situation.
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Barbara, I think that when you feel like this, you owe it to yourself and to mom to take a step back.

1. What are her needs?

2. What are her resources?

HER resources, not yours, should be paying for her care. Does she have Medicaid? Have you applied for her? Have you explored, with your local Area Agency on Aging what help she is entitled to?

If you crash and burn, who will there be to take care of your mom?

I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh, but rather as a loving hand reached out across the distance. Happy Thanksgiving!!
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I am so worn out with my Mother .....I'm at the end and on my knees metaphorically speaking. I'm too tired to type, I'm trying to run my own home, look after my Mother who lives just 100 yards away, help with my three granddaughters who live 150 yards away, help with my son who has mental health difficulties ...there's not much more I can take. Sometimes all it needs is to write on a forum like this to help wind down a bit. Very sorry for moaning, we're all in the same boat on here and I send love to you all coping with the nightmare of Alzheimers (my Mother has vascula dementia as well) ....help isn't forthcoming from anywhere, well ....it is, at a price.
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Oh Angel I sent you a hug the other day. I was hoping things were going better for you. Sorry about your husband. Looks like I gave Sue a hug on her page too. Everybody needs one!😃
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SueC1957
Effecting my marriage as well. My husband is now having medical issues, possibly heart related. Much guilt thinking of placing her.
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Polarbear,
Contact Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) and apply for benefits for her. You will have to prove her income and bank account but, if she's within the range (under $2000. in the bank), she will get assistance. They will take her Social Security check to help pay for her custodial care.
Medicare and Social Security don't cover assisted living or memory care (any "custodial" care). They would cover medically needed care for a certain period of time.
You may not be able to choose which facility she would live in.
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It sounds like you and your mother may be ready for her to be in assisted living. Bless your husband and you for taking on this responsibility. It is a very loving thing to do. It doesn't mean you don't love her if you get her more care. It is absolutely the opposite. Sounds like she is pretty expensive to have in your home so may not be to much more expensive to find her a suitable place. Then you will have distance and can enjoy her. All of you may benefit from the space from each other. I hope all works out. If you are always running on empty there isn't much left to give. You have to have time for yourself and that is okay. God Bless
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Hi SueC1957,
I am glad for you that you got your life back. I am dealing with my 81 y.o. mother who has Alzheimer. It is so hard. I am so stressed and so are my kids. I wanted to scream at her many times. Her memory is worse by the day. I don't know if I could take care of her till the end. I would like to know how you go about finfing a care facility for people with Alzheimer. My mother only receives social security. She doesn't have any money, and I don't have much. How much does it cost? Any information is greatly appreciated.
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Angelmommy57,
I'm right with you. It was WAY more than we thought. The anger, demands and confusion (repeating things hundreds of times a day), not to mention the physical work of picking her up, bathing her, feeding her and helping her walk just got to be too much for us "old folks". We caved in after 2 months. It's really not a livable situation. (I swear her dementia got much worse after moving in with us.)

We placed her in another memory care facility, much closer to us, on Friday. I am so sad and guilty but immensely relieved also. The home situation was beginning to affect my relationship with my husband because of my mother. Not worth bad feelings with the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I spent today returning the house to its "pre-dementia" state.

We will visit her for the first time tomorrow. I hope she's "settled in".

Gosh this isn't easy.
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