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Dad's live-in girlfriend has an issue with me taking over his care and finances while she was living with her family for a few months due to a medical issue. We have never been close, but I am doing my best to be friendly. Now that she is home and better, I am trying to extricate myself from taking care of the both of them. I have someone from an agency that comes up, and a caregiver that lives close by. She will tell me she does not need help, then she will contradict that and say she does. I show up with whatever it was she asked me to get from the store, then I find out she already went to the store that morning. I say I will take Dad to the doctor, and she is leaving to go to town and says she will meet us. I have spent every day for the last 3 months taking care of Dad for one month straight, then going back to work and staying with him on my days off for the rest of the time she was gone. I now find out that she is telling the caregiver she has hired for years for my dad that I am not coming up to help her, after she says she doesn't want me to come. I got a call FROM THE CAREGIVER wondering why I am not willing to help.


I am trying my best not to be petty. I am doing my best not to be rude or b!tchy, but I woke up last night with the realization that I am being played. Likely because she wants me out of her business. I am going up tomorrow to politely explain to the both of them that I am going to back out and will be available for them if needed, but that my role will be that of a daughter now that she is back. My stomach is in knots. I am so sick of being nice and doing the right thing to just have it turned against me. Dad doesn't seem to care or won't say that he does care about what is going on. All I can think about is her telling me "It is so easy to manipulate people, all you need to do is tell them what they want to hear." years ago after she had surgery. Any advice?

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Well, you are tired. It is very stressful to care for elders and stress takes our energy. Is it time for your dad to consider AL? If she has memory problems perhaps they both need to move to AL? Since she had a medical event, perhaps she is having some memory issues from the anesthesia? That sometimes happens and takes awhile to recover from. She may not realize that she is asking you to do things that she then does for herself. How old are your dad and his friend? Do you have a relationship with her family? You might want to develop that to help keep an eye on the two of them going forward. What kind of help does your dad need? Perhaps you can give things a chance to settle down. If I were you I would continue to take your dad to his dr appointments if you are able to. This way you know what is going on with him firsthand.
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I don't think I get the full picture of why you are upset with her. You say that she asked you to pick up something from the store, but ,then she got it first. And that she told a caregiver that you would not be coming to provide care, though you were. It doesn't sound like major stuff to me. Maybe, she's having memory problems. Some seniors forget what they have said. I'd consider that and try not to cause a commotion. If she's up to no good, getting huffy might be just what she wants. Instead, I might take her some lovely flowers and wish her well. Then hug daddy and tell him how much you love him. I think that might have a better effect.
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