I'm done

Cwillie

Enjoy your R&R

What a great way to look at it, Cwillie! Your 100th Birthday! Par...tee...!

Next battle? I don't want to think about it, I'm still getting used to my R&R.

I carefully set myself up to live very cheaply here and I can survive a long time on my savings, it just means a little less stashed away for my own 100th birthday.

One could have state of the art facilities and buildings, but if the staff hasn't got it, then I could see you bringing in the calvary to get her out of there.

You seem to have done so well, and survived those 8 days!

It was a surprise to me when a friend was placed in a similar looking place that is part of a top rated hospital for post-surgical rehab, and she has the best insurance. Her meals arrive cold it's so far away.

What is the next battle? Will you be able to keep your housing? I am hoping the best for you, Cwillie.

FF, our provincial Health Minister has mandated that all these very old facilities must be upgraded by 2025, but for us that seems a very long way off.
Mom seems to be settling in much more easily than I anticipated, but of course she is a lot less oriented to time and place than she was a year ago. And the staff there, rather than being disgruntled about their working conditions, seem extra friendly and really do make up for the shortfalls of the facility.

You've certainly accomplished a lot in 8 days. Take a hot bath, go get your hair done and maybe a pedicure. See if there's a good movie on today, kick back, have a good cry if you want and just breathe. Sending good wishes from south of the border. (I think you are Canadian).

Cwillie, hope everything goes well with your Mom being in her new home. And you can finally exhale. It is always so difficult to see one's parent no longer living at home but knowing it really has to be done.

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize there were still nursing homes where one would step back into time. Thanks for the update. Hopefully the Staff is better prepared.

I remember when my Mom had to go into long-term-care. We had no other choice as she needed skilled nursing care. No way at my age could I do hands-on as it would be like trying to pick up an 80 lb free weight.

I remember my Dad saying that he didn't think that he and Mom would live this long. Both were in their mid-to-late 90's. Well, according to Ancestry . com, lot of relatives going way back lived that long on both sides of the family.

...don't pick on your scabs, takes time to heal 😉

Hm, it has only been 8 days since my original post, so much has happened since then it seems so long ago...

I feel like a soldier who has been living in the trenches and just passed through a tremendous battle. I am now brushing myself off, defeated, bruised and bloodied, but I (we) have survived and already I am beginning to refocus my energy on the next task, because I know the war isn't over yet.

Sorry for the liberal use of metaphor, but that is the way my mind is working right now.

You have not failed Cwillie. If you feel you are at the end of your rope in that you can't provide care to her anymore, look into a SNF. Don't feel like a failure as we humans can only stretch so far emotionally and physically and it is to both of your detriment to continue as you are.
It's really hard work caregiving at home by yourself.
It's ok to not want to continue.
You will be able to provide her with more emotionally when you are well rested and have taken care of yourself.
Try to have her placed somewhere and do it soon. Get the process done and then deal with the emotions that come with it.
We did it with my mother when it was apparent my brother and I just couldn't do it. My mom hadn't had a bm in two weeks- neither my brother nor I knew that, and she ended up placed after that hospitalization as she wouldn't bath, refused hygiene, tried to still get to the bathroom but barely, her home was too small for equipment she needed, for just a few reasons - I can list more.
Nope, you are not a failure for placing her to preserve her safety and your emotional and physical well being.
Good luck to you. I understand what you are going through 100%. But I still made the call to transfer her to a NH vs return home.

CWillie, joining this thread kind of late. I hope you are feeling a bit better about things today. Try not to let the images get in your head too much. I know with my Mom when she first went into fulltime nursing care I had to avert my eyes a lot so as not to get depressed by the sight of the other residents. Just concentrate on your Mom and how she is adjusting and forget about all that other stuff or you will make yourself ill.

Thinking of you and wishing you well C Willie!

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and words. I actually slept til daylight this morning, if that robin hadn't started singing outside my window it might have been even longer, so I'm feeling a little more resilient. I am one of those people who tries to keep life under tight control (futile, I know) so giving that up is hard. On the plus side, once I do make a choice I'm pretty good at not second guessing, and I know in my head that this had to be.
The nursing home wing of the facility is very old, it must be a nightmare to work there. (Sorry to FF if she reads here, but her cheery admonitions that facilities aren't dismal like they were back in the 50's makes me grind my teeth, sometimes they are). Residents, 90% of whom are in wheelchairs, must be escorted by 2's (max capacity) down an elevator for meals and then back again to their rooms, a process that must take up the better part of the day. Sis and I stopped in before lunch yesterday and walked right past mom, who was already in the long queue waiting their turn. It was nice to have sis there for support, but on the other hand she interfered with my plans to quietly observe. I'm concerned that mom isn't able to get her fluids at meals - setting thickened water, milk (she hates milk) and coffee (black, no sugar, it's not as though she can add her own) out of reach on the table. Well, there's lots of time to sort out that, and they manage to keep residents even worse off than mom alive so I'm sure it will be managed. Everyone seemed to be tucked back in bed after lunch, which also concerns me, but mom was obviously exhausted and needed to sleep. There really is no space to leave them in their chairs, the rooms are cramped and the lounges, although charming and welcoming, could not accommodate more than a few wheelchairs. Today I plan to visit mid afternoon.

Thank you, BB and Send.  I have found it now. 

CW, thinking of YOU and mom. May this be as easy a transition as possible. Be there for your mom as much as you are able. Do not feel you HAVE to. Do what is best for YOU! I do not see my mom often. Six times in two years. Course there was the year I was 450 miles away. One visit visitors were not permitted because of an intestinal bug had them on quarantine.

I am now about 90 miles away, have been for about three months. Have not seen mom yet. I was fighting flu and sinus stuff for about six weeks of that. Still have a bit of a cough. To tell the truth, it is now the twisteds responsibility and after all that has happened with those two crazies, I do not want to risk even running into either of them. Triggers so much anger  that is not good for me.

CW thinking of you.

Cwillie,

Thinking of you, we all care and hope your stress has lightened up a bit...let yourself have a good, loud, ugly cry to let it all out. (great stress reliever for me)...maybe you gave something that works better)

You have many shoulders to lean on, ears to just listen, and bunches of hearts here that care for you.

Sending you peace and hugs,
Bella

Cwillie,
Hope you are okay.

Gladimhere,
Cwillie said this:

cwillie
2 days ago
Today is D day, the wheelchair van is arriving to pick up mom at 10:30 to transport her to her new home. What began as a respite stay has shockingly progressed to the offer of a permanent bed. (If you live in Ontario Canada you will understand that getting placement in long term care in under a week is unheard of). My social worker cousin pointed out that no matter what our hopes and plans may be life is not under our control. Maybe that is the life lesson I was destined to learn from all this, and it sucks.

Glad, it's on the whine thread.

I am confused. I do not see anywhere that cwillie's mom has been permanently placed or that people came for her. Did I miss something, Send? Did someone jump to a conclusion? I know cwillie needs a break, but all I have read is respite.

Hang in there, CWillie....we're here for you. This will be a tough transition, but you'll make it.

Just wanted to touch base and see how you are feeling. You are carrying such an incredibly huge load on your shoulders.
Never forget that you have many walking right beside you ready to hold you up when you grow weary.
Though I am likely stating the obvious, try to remember that your Mum has done nothing to grbring on any of the issues you are struggling with, including not knowing who you are. Your seeming resentment is growing out of sheer mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. You are possibly wondering how much longer your Mum might live, meaning how much longer you might be her caregiver. Is there any opportunity for extended respite time, whether that means her going to a facility or carers staying with her at home while you go out or away? It is terrible to think of your gesture of love becoming tainted by bitterness and resentment. I hope you are able to take action and implement changes before the feelings you are experiencing now set in as permanent.
Remember that you always have choices and options. Depending on where you live, there are organisations, programs and facilities available, not to mention resources like web sites that will provide information on services and treatments available to enhance both your life and the life of your Mum. You made the decision to take care of her years ago. Now you need to ensure that you include a system to take care of yourself as well.
Take very gentle loving care of yourself.
I wish you peace and happiness in all you do. With gratitude and grace

Cwillie

I cried for a week when I placed mom at the hotel California last year and I still have guilt

You hung in above and beyond

So scream cry eat ice cream stay up all night sleep all day but please don't go for any walks in the middle of the night

Give it enough time but then put your game face back on

Keep Talking to us this weekend

Not in so many words you didn't mention it. Caregiving consumes us, if not in physical labor, then constant focus on another human. So, you went, you saw, did you come home?
The other issues will have to be addressed. Can you take the weekend? Home?
I don't know much about guilt. It is said often, by the ignorant, don't cry, don't feel...guilt. But I wish it was okay just to say to you, (in my ignorance), please no guilt for you. If those feelings creep over you, feel it briefly, and know you have no reason for guilt, you did not fail, that portion of your j o b was completed bravely. Now, it is changed. You will bounce back, and shine!
Where are your running shoes?

Did I mention caregiving had consumed me? Having time for me means time to do... what? I have no spouse, kids, job. Sad to say that now that mom's money is directed elsewhere I have no income either. My health is fine, or I choose to believe it is because I have no plans to go to the doctor for a check up..... f that.
The nursing home is in the next town, only 15 - 20 minutes away. It was easy to get in because it is the oldest and least desirable. Oh god. But mom can't see and mostly can't hear so she only cares that the bed is comfortable and she is warm, and the aides are gentle and kind.

So, everyone is here for you, Cwillie, as you go through this.

You don't have to say, and maybe Canadians are too polite to share their own medical concerns, but have you been checked up? Do you have any conditions to watch out for?

With permanent placement today for your Mom, there will be some more time for you, hopefully.

How far is the new home for Mom?

Today does feel like a new day. Hoping other caregivers are feeling hopeful.

I am so happy to hear that the canadians did not join in building "The Wall!

Did you wash up your game face, put on some warrior make-up?

Going soon for hubs-he forgot to clock out at 1:30 p.m., I'm sure....no time for washing my face now.

Be back later....

That was fast, getting the new caregiver to come out!
So, what exactly is the caregiver capable of doing?

Mortar is maybe made from yesterday's ashes.
I'm feeling shaky, but have to keep my game face on til after the new caregiver has been and gone.

Sounds good, like you are doing everything you can.
Gone are the days when the doctor's staff made these calls for you, along with the doctor's recommendations? I don't get it, really, and I don't like it.
The system did the same to Jude, with her Mom.

Maybe, if you sent a note, the doctor could recommend more beneficial hours?

Glad you are getting some help, that was a big, brave step!

Plow right on through that brick wall (your avatar, brick wall).
The mortar looks a little fresh...hmmm, is there anything behind the brick wall? huh? huh?

I spent the day on the phone looking for short stay respite beds. 1st choice is full, 2nd choice gov't funded beds have one opening but need to move fast with paperwork to get it. Case manager just left, and I also put her on the wait list for long term care. In the mean time we are rearranging my home care to give me daily help in a.m. and p.m. Typical bureaucratic BS has given me 10:00 in the morning and 6:00 in the afternoon, too late for getting her up and too early to put her down for the night, but we will make it work. She must know something is up, she has been sleeping all day.