I'm done

A self-help therapist wrote a book, she said if you are lonely, you can waive to the tourists on a tour bus....and they will waive back. She told it much better.

Thanks Susan and Cwillie,
It is just beautiful, and sounds good to be seeing the birds.
In Sausalito, CA., there are Egrets walking around the docks in the boat marina. One can fall asleep to the clanging on the masts. I loved it while I was there.

I thought so, cwillie! :-)

I hope to be on the Michigan side of Lake Superior at some point in the future. Preferably as far west in the U.P. as I can get, but I'd take pretty much anywhere. St. Mary's River is my next choice.

Send - the big lakes get tons of seagulls, and they're the bane of every shoreline town to keep under control, as the tourists feed them all the time, so they won't leave a ready food supply.

The inland lakes here get *all* kinds of bird life: killdeer/sandpipers, heron, cranes, egrets, ducks, geese, loons, swans....and with a natural water source within 6 miles no matter where you are in MI, it's not hard to go bird watching.

Good eye Susan, I'm on the Canadian side of Lake Huron.

Sea gulls but no naked people Send (I don't think so anyway). It is legal to go topless here though, but very few try that.

We have sharks, surfers, lifeguards, and even naked people on some beaches in California. Lol

Do you get sea lions and sea gulls? Heron or Egret?

We have piers like that here in MI, cwillie - or is that in MI? It looks very familiar. I've seen just about all of them - my parents were big on cheap vacations and family time, so we spent a lot of time fishing from piers, visiting beaches, etc. Anything free or cheap. Can't blame them - 4 kids on a factory worker's salary and only one income as mom stayed home with us kids.

People always told me the ocean was so awesome and impressive, but I've been to the Atlantic and the Pacific coasts and they don't look much different than the freshwater coasts I'm used to, I think once a body of water is large enough that you can't see across it looks pretty much the same as any other. We don't get sea shells or whales though. LOL

That is a big ocean! Canada must be a beautiful place, Cwillie.

My avatar pic is the local pier, generally swarming with tourists as soon as the weather warms up.

Are there any nearby bodies of water? I recommend a ferry boat ride to the other side and back, throwing bread to the seagulls. Or a seashore trip to the edge of the water. Or buying a chocolate covered frozen bananna while window shopping the beach sandal boutiques. ????

CWillie and Countrymouse,
Whenever the question "Are you a team player?" was asked of me in job interviews, I answered: "Yes, I am, but only until the team trys to go off the reservation, then I side with management".
Oh well, considering they thought management was a part of the team, maybe that was not the best answer. I don't play well with others because I don't play at all at work, I just work.

Cwillie, It's great you are keeping an eye on Mom. Can you take a few days for your much needed respite? That home sounds really cramped. If you get stressed, then just go home. Do not add to your stress right now.

They say we are welcome, but the reality makes it difficult. From what I've observed the dining room is arranged with tables of four. Mom is at a table with two others who need some help and one aide, which really doesn't leave a place for family to pop in and help, not to mention chairs are at a premium.

You and me both! I spent the whole of today in a team of five. It's not something I put on my resumé, but you know how they always ask brightly "are you a good team player?" and you're supposed to say "certainly am!"

... er ...

Well I only wanted to strangle three and a half of the others...

[Mutters] It's not us being introverted. It's them being beyond annoying.

They were in a hurry to leave by four. We still had two ward reviews to complete. Fine, they want to crack on - so they spend a full ten minutes discussing how and why they want to leave at four and how they feel under pressure and how long it will take us to do the rest... I'm rictus smiling and trying not to snap the pencil.

I did worry at lunches that I might distract other diners and make them take even longer over their food, which wouldn't have made me any too popular. Who helps at mealtimes, other family members or the care assistants?

Hm, re reading that I sound like a pouty child who wants things her own way or nothing at all. I admit my introverted tendencies mean I don't play well with others, I know I'll have to learn to deal with it.

No no, I chose not to join the lunch crowd, I feel like a fifth wheel and it's just too stressful.

They didn't let you in to assist with lunch? Blimey. I was allowed to do that even in rehab.

CW, I'm so sorry. All your hard work. I don't know what to say, just hugs.

Thanks MsMadge and CM, I think they probably have the fluids spooned into her. It just chafes that the self determination I have worked so hard to give her for so long is so casually abandoned - no effort to allow her the grapes or crunchy snacks she so loves, or to hold her own cup to drink when she desires, no attempts to toilet, no access to music she prefers. Of course she agrees she wants to see the news or wants a cup of coffee because those were the habits of a lifetime, but the reality is that she can't remember or articulate what she really wants. I got a call from sis that they had left a message on her machine that the doctor had been in and changed up her meds (I guess they couldn't get me because I was sitting on the street waiting for lunch to be over). I'm fine with the changes, but I'd like to feel consulted rather than dictated to. I know that isn't the way it works though.

Cwillie
Hang in there

In an earlier post you mentioned cups were out of mom's reach - is it possible for you to observe mealtime in the facility ?

This may be when some extra assistance would help -

CW, with my mother it was a case of "would you like the news?" "yes, lovely... [snooze]" "Shall I put the CD on?" "yes, lovely... [gentle snoring]"

I assumed that anything that filtered through was as much stimulation as she felt like. I expect your mother, too, still likes to go through the motions.

A month seems a bit long to wait for the care plan. I mean, it's not like you don't have years of expertise and experience to share with her new team.

Your mother is safe. As long as you're happy, that she's comfortable and not frightened, then I'm happy on her account - it's you I'm concerned about. Sure you're not going into freefall emotionally? Please keep checking in. Hugs.

Patient advocate, what's that? :( I was told yesterday that we will be able to go over all my questions and concerns during her care meeting... in a month or month and a half. I've stopped in twice today and both times she has been too deeply asleep to wake up, not unusual in the morning but not her previous norm in the afternoon.
I figured out for myself she had a shower yesterday after quizzing her, as far as I can tell her daily stimulation is the 3 hours it takes to prep for meals, eat and return, and I'm told she likes to "watch" the news after supper (blind and hard of hearing, not too likely lol) I think that is code for being parked in the lounge while they get everyone ready for the night.

Cwillie, my heart bleeds for you. I was in the same place mentally just a short time ago. Was at the end of my rope, then my mom had a fall that put her in the hospital. Good time to transition to a facility. So that was done and she was making progress physically even if she had not quite accepted that this was her new home. Then another fall at the home. Back in the hospital. This time surgery involved. Another set back. Getting multiple stories from the home about what happened. Just tell me the truth! I wasn't looking to place blame, I know accidents happen, but I hate being lied to and will have a hard time trusting that she is getting adequate care now. If I have to be there round the clock to be sure she isn't being ignored I might as well bring her home. Still getting no peace! Soooooo Cwillie, my advice to you is to let the home know exactly what kinds of behaviors they can expect from your mom and how you want them to deal with those. Tell them everything you know about your mom and make them document it. Let them know exactly what you expect from them. And, keep a journal of things you observe (concerns, etc.); go over those things with the patient advocate shortly after the observation. Don't be like I was and fear pissing them off. It's their job to keep your mom safe. You have a right to peace of mind and trust me, there will be none if you can't trust the people taking care of her. The facility I sent my mom to has a very good rating and I believe they are good and caring people. Accidents do happen, but now I've lost some trust (because of the lies) and will be on pins and needles and very watchful. I'll be spending most of my time there observing for a while. If I can't feel comfortable about her care after a while I will need to look for another facility. I tell you all this to perhaps spare you from some of the stress and guilt I am feeling right now because I was not assertive enough about what they could expect from my mom and what my expectations were. It may have happened anyway, but I will never know that.

I'm already rattling around the house wondering what to do, mom didn't take up a lot of my time but her scheduled needs added structure to my days. It's too soon to jump back into the work world, not that there is anything available, especially since my resume will have to be a carefully worded fabrication and no references, my former restaurant boss moved to parts unknown, cleaning clients ditto and I'm in a different town anyway.

As for being the "happy visitor, who brings in treats" I'll take that comment in the spirit it was intended, so thank you Stacey, even though it bears little relevance to our situation. They've got her on pudding thickened liquids, and I did manage to spoon a glass of warmish juice? into her yesterday, I don't think that counts as a treat though.

I tried to put myself in cwillie's place and know that when my mother is no longer here I am going to feel disoriented. After it has been your life for so long and changes suddenly, it would be like whaaa... I would still be looking to do certain things at certain times. I would feel like I needed to visit a lot to fill in the blank spaces left in my life. cwillie, I don't know if you feel this way, but I know I would.

I am so glad that you knew that it was time and got some of the stress off of you. Even when you love your parent, it can ruin your life. It is a reality of long-term caregiving. I'm rambling along here, because I've given so much thought to my own road after my mother is gone. I will still have so much to tend to that I won't be able to just pick up and leave, though really it is what I will want to do. I am glad there are people on the group who have been through it and can help guide our way out of caregiving full time. Maybe this first step is a time to reflect and adjust, then figure out where to go from here. Long-term caregiving can lead us down a long path alone and it can be hard to know how to get back.

Cwillie, you put up the fight for a good long time, it's now time to let the professionals caregivers care for your Mom, and you can be the happy visitor, who brings in treats, and gets to go home to rest and recoup!

Cudos to you, for loving and caring for as long as you have been, but your right, it isn't over yet.

My hope for you and your Mom, is smooth roads ahead, with great care for her, and you finding your new normal, as her daughter, and not her main caregiver. I'm sure it will be a long adjustment period, but you can do this!

I'm so glad that you aren't displaced, and can go on living where you are, as having to move would be unbearable, after having dealt with so much for so long. You take care of yourself now! Love Stacey B

It is a good thing that you can trust the staff now.
What are you doing in your free time?
If it was me, I would be doing absolutely n o t h i n g, and not feeling guilty about it one bit.

My limited experience has been that once I stop the huge efforts to support a loved one (or even a neighbor) in the past, there is a feeling that I need to recover from the shock, think things through, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I was trying so hard, but never have I done the care that you did for so long, alone. All I can say as an observer and friend, is that you have been very brave!

No Send, you've got it right. It started out as a respite stay and morphed into a permanent stay, although she will likely be moving to the place closer to me when a space becomes available.

I was wrong about permanent placement, sorry. You were offered permanent placement, but the placement now is temporary, for respite.
Is that correct?

Gershun, I have to admit once I got over the original shock I couldn't be happier about the feel of the place, mom has only been there days and already I have staff greeting me at the door like an old friend. It is such a huge contrast to the "better" place in my town she has been in before for respite. It will be difficult to know what to do when a place opens up there, will things be different when she is a permanent resident vs a short stay, or will I still feel like an unwelcome outsider?

CWillie as a fellow Canadian I know what you mean about those outdated places. Archaic aren't they. But one thing my Mom's case worker told us is a lot of these fancy dancy places spend most of their budget on appearances and leave you wanting staff wise. Case in point: the place we placed my Mom in was really old but the staff was golden. They were so sweet and kind to my Mom. We fixed her room up really nice with a lot of her favorite pieces of furniture. Or should I say, I did. Siblings didn't have much to do with that. They were in the process of rebuilding the facility and we were told that Mom would be in a brand spanking new place. So, fast forward a year. Yeah, the place was brand spanking new. Mom was not allowed any of her personal stuff except for a few pictures. They cut staff. The people weren't nearly as nice. The place looked like a brand new prison for all the warmth there was there. My Mom got so depressed. I'd phone her up and she would be crying, saying "I'm staying here?" Something she never did at the old place. She ended up dying less than 3 mths. later. I sometimes wonder if she would still be alive if she had stayed where she was.

So, don't count a place out if it looks old. Sometimes thats not so bad.

The song of a woman who has come through. Yea! cwillie. I know things are not over, but it must be nice to breathe and sleep and do nothing at all if you want.