I'm beyond burnout. I just can't take care of two 'patients' anymore.

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I think I need to detach from my narcissistic mother. I've taken a bunch of burnout quizzes -- I'm toast. My narcissistic mother thinks there's nothing wrong with her, and I'm just done trying to 'fix' everything she does. My brother lives out of state and is trying to help, but Mom complains about everything -- especially having home care, even though DCF became involved because of self-neglect. Meanwhile my husband who has bronchiectasis, a feeding tube, and now is having seizures as a result of long-term side effects of radiation and chemo, is also suffering from exhaustion. He feels like he has wasted what was left of his 'golden years' and says he is 'done' worrying about my mother, who is financially comfortable and can afford to be in a memory care/nursing facility. She constantly criticizes my efforts to help, and calls from 6 to 12 times a day with complaints and questions. Her short-term memory is zero, but she can't/won't admit she needs help.
My husband can see that my trying to 'do the right thing' by Mom and care for him too, is overwhelming me, and my health is declining. My doctor has told me I have to 'put on the brakes', or I'm headed for more problems than fibro/arthritis.
My brother would like Mom to be able to stay in her home; but I just can't go to her home (45 min away) every time there is a problem anymore. I am willing for my brother to do anything, including guardianship of Mom at this point.
What I really think I need to do is detach and concentrate on my own health and taking care of my husbands needs. It's 4:45 am, and I can't sleep, again.

5 Comments

Does your brother have health issues and a seriously ill spouse to consider? No? Then let him apply for guardianship; and if he can sustain his wish to keep mother at home good luck to him. Anything, just so long as it ceases to be your problem. Do it. Call him as soon as you think he'll be up and about.
And get another phone so that you can keep your mother's calls under control. Change your landline number if you have to, and keep one cell phone specifically for checking up on your mother as often as you think is necessary - once a day at a fixed time should be ample.
Countrymouse beat me to it. Let your brother handle your mother's care from now on. What's he done up to this point (other than express his wish that your mother be allowed to remain at home)?
Yes, to what the others said. Everyone has an opinion about what should be done with our family members, but none of them are willing to step up. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your husband.
Thank you all for your quick responses. In my unending quests to 'do the right thing' I have been not doing the right thing for myself. Your answers have given me positive reinforcement for looking out for me, and my husband.

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